I grew up in a working-class family and my parents had no money at all. Then, in my late 20s, I married well and moved to a big house in the countryside with my wife, near to her family.
I met my wealthy fiancée because I had a promising football career in my teens (that ultimately led to nothing). After I met her, I always kept my old life at arm’s length in case my friends and family were jealous, judgemental or might embarrass me – in case that blew it for me.
My wife and I have been together 20 years and raised two fine young men but now I feel lost, lonely, shameful and guilty. I miss my friends and family and I’ve never fitted into my wife’s life and the community I now judge as superficial, empty and lost in its own bubble.
I want to be loved for who I am. Should I leave my wife?
Paul, 51, Hampshire
Dear Paul,
That feeling of not belonging is deeply uncomfortable and to have experienced it for over 20 years must have been incredibly hard.
Did you ever love your wife? Or did you fall in love with the package she represented? Surveys suggest that between a quarter and a third of us consider money a primary factor when picking a future spouse, so you’re far from alone. You say you feel guilty and ashamed and I want to reassure you: if this was an influencing factor, it doesn’t make you a bad person.
You had a chance and you took it. It sounds as if you were hopeful for a ticket out of a life with no money, whether it be through sport or through marriage. You might have regrets now, but at the time, with the information you had, that felt like a wise decision.
You describe almost abandoning your old life when you met your wife and now it seems like you’re considering a similar sort of abandonment of your current life.
I’d suggest you slow down and ask yourself some questions. First, and most fundamentally: who are you? You’re probably not the man who left his old life; you’ve helped bring up two fine young men in the interim and spent time trying to fit into another world. You almost certainly will have learnt a lot along the way.
Take time to work out your values and what is really important, to help guide you as you work out what you want from this stage. I’d suggest you do this by imagining life where you’re not trying to fit in with anyone, where you don’t have to make compromises: what feels important? Sometimes it might feel easier to be clear about who you are not – or no longer need to be.
I’d encourage you to look at your old life: was there something not quite right about it that helped you to abandon it? What did you love about it? What made you feel you belonged? Is there a way of bringing some of that life into your own?
I hear that connection is hugely important to you, that you miss your friends and family. Did you have anyone who guided you when you were young? Perhaps you have more time to miss those you love and care about now that your sons have grown up. But there is nothing stopping you from getting in touch and seeing if they might be open to reconnecting. They might have been hoping for this for a long time. Can you let your wife and sons into where you’ve come from? It feels to me like you’ve got nothing to lose.
I do think that it’s important you look at abandonment: is this something that has happened to you? Is this why it feels like a solution to a problem? Why were you so adamant that these two worlds couldn’t overlap? After all, they both belonged to you. Did you not deserve both?
I think your friends and family might very reasonably ask why you didn’t give them more of a chance: maybe they would have felt envious, but maybe they’d have been pleased for you.
I also believe it’s very important that you take some time to consider your family now as you start to explore your future. How might you guide your sons in life to seek connection and a sense of belonging, the things that money can’t buy? You describe your wife’s community as empty and shallow, but you have two sons of whom you sound proud: I wonder if it can be that hollow if they’re so decent? Your sons might have left home but your life choices now will still have a huge impact on them, so please make sure all long term decisions are fully considered.
And finally, your wife. I’m guessing she married for love. How does she feel? Have you communicated your feelings about belonging to her? She’s almost absent in your letter.
I could be completely wrong here, but when I read your letter, I was filled with concern that you are running away to try to fix something that doesn’t feel quite right. Before you abandon your life, again, it is worth taking time and letting yourself feel the discomfort, talking properly with your wife, and finding out how she feels. Was she disappointed that you stopped seeing your family? That her sons grew up with one set of grandparents always kept at arm’s length.
Speaking for myself, I don’t believe any person or group can truly accept me until I’ve accepted myself. So I’d urge you to start by getting to know yourself, shortcomings and all. Whether or not you and your wife have a future, it will stand you in better stead to make the decision.
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