I’m in the bathroom, taking a few deep breaths before I go back out to my three children. I’ve just spent 45 minutes blowing up and filling our paddling pool in the garden so they can cool off, play and give me some time to sit down.
However, just five minutes into playtime, chaos descended between my seven-year-old twins when one splashed the other in the face and they declared they didn’t want to be in the water anymore and were “coming inside”.
This kind of situation happens multiple times a day in our household. The boys get on well together but like many siblings, they also really know how to wind each other up. My tolerance for it will vary depending on many factors: how tired I am, how long they’ve been arguing, whether I’m hungry or hot, and if I’m juggling other tasks like work, driving, laundry or cooking.
Squabbling between kids is completely normal, and I take a lot of reassurance from the fact that it affects most of my parent friends. But the summer holidays are a time when the friction can really ramp up. We’re spending more time together and there are a lot of days to fill.
The fighting, teasing and taunting is something mum-of-three Becky Reid, 43, is not looking forward to this summer, either. “Some days, no, who am I kidding, most days, my children will start squabbling within minutes of being awake,” she says. “It’s usually who gets to have the prime position in bed for a cuddle… just what you need to wake up to!
“The fact that I can leave a room with my children playing nicely, but within minutes it turns into a screaming match is soul destroying. It’s overwhelming, tiring, and heartbreaking that my children seemingly can’t get on. I adore being a mum but I did not sign up to be a referee.”
Natalie Costa, a parenting expert and children’s coach, says there are a few reasons why the summer is more stressful in some households: “Children are having to play and share space in ways they don’t during term time. There’s less routine, less structure, boredom, overstimulation and parents who are stretched thin trying to work at the same time; it can all add up.”
Every parent will have different techniques for limiting squabbling in their house, from setting up separate activities and organising playdates, to using bribery (needs must!) when times get desperate.
When I told friends I was writing about this issue, it’s not an exaggeration to say that half a dozen said: “We send them to the grandparents for some peace!” This obviously isn’t an option for everyone, including me, so I asked parenting experts for their tips on activities and methods for limiting or quashing the squabbling this summer.
Kat with her husband and three children. ‘Two of the main causes of my kids’ arguments are boredom and jealousy. If two of the boys are playing a game, the third might decide to sabotage it because he’s not involved,’ Kat explains (Photo: Kat Storr)Resist always stepping in
Trying to keep the peace can be exhausting, especially when you’re seeing the same arguments flare up every day. But is stepping in to stop the arguing the right thing to do? “Children need the chance to work things out themselves,” says Costa. “Instead of jumping in to solve every dispute, reflect on what’s happening”.
She suggests saying things like: “I get it, you’ve both got good ideas about what to play and there’s one console” or “I also know that you both have good ideas on how to solve this, have a think about what the best way is and we come back to this in 20 minutes”.
Talk about games ahead of starting
As parents, we can recognise which games or situations are going to cause a flare-up between our kids. I know that anything involving water pistols or Nerf guns with my three boys will lead to tears and tantrums. Costa suggests “talking through how you’ll navigate shared games or activities before the friction starts, rather than only dealing with it in the moment”.
If you’re at home and everyone’s getting on each other’s nerves, set up activities that can be done at the same time but individually, without any competitive element. This could be something like Lego, painting or crafting.
And when the house feels suffocating, fresh air never fails to make things feel easier. A walk, bike ride or picnic gives everyone a change of scenery and burns energy.
Limit screen-time from the start of the break
It’s normal for children to watch screens more during the school holidays but this can also cause their behaviour to become dysregulated and can lead to meltdowns when it’s time to switch off. Therapist Nicola Saunders recommends having a conversation about screen-time at the start of the six weeks so everyone is on the same page.
“I’m a big advocate for setting your stall out from the get-go, whatever your kids’ ages. If you have expectations, ensure that they are communicated to your kids. Where possible, and certainly with teens, always collaborate and negotiate,” she says.
Kat with her husband and three children. ‘Having a sibling teaches children a lot of valuable life lessons such as sharing, teamwork, compromise and patience. But of course, these come with maturity and age,’ Kat says (Photo: Kat Storr)Consider a cooling off period
Two of the main causes of my kids’ arguments are boredom and jealousy. If two of the boys are playing a game, the third might decide to sabotage it because he’s not involved. It can be really hard to cope with. “Why can’t you all just play together nicely?” is something I say on repeat both aloud and in my head.
If they really can’t play together happily, then parenting coach Heidi Skudder, who founded Positively Parenthood and runs a siblings course, recommends a brief separation to “reset, rather than punish”.
You can encourage your children to spend some time in their bedrooms playing or reading.And if being at home together is getting too intense, then inviting a friend over to play is a great way of improving things. It gives the boys space from each other and changes the dynamic.
Try to spend one-on-one time with them
Another way to manage the squabbling is to create “connection time” with each of your children, says Costa. “It doesn’t need to cost anything,” she explains. “One dad I know threaded friendship bracelets with one daughter and watched cooking videos with the other because that’s what they were into,” she says.
“It’s about being curious about their world for short bursts, done often. A lot of sibling rivalry is down to how attached a child feels in the family. The more secure a child feels, the less the sibling feels like a threat and they become more of a playmate instead.”
Realise that squabbles aren’t the end of the world
Having a sibling teaches children a lot of valuable life lessons such as sharing, teamwork, compromise and patience. But of course, these come with maturity and age. And it’s the people we’re closest to that we’re going to clash with most often.
Skudder says: “In my 17 years of working with families, I have come to see sibling conflict less as a problem to get rid of, and more as one of the most normal, developmentally important parts of childhood. The daily fights are how children practice handling strong emotions, taking another person’s perspective, and repairing after things go wrong.”
Take time for yourself
Saunders reminds adults that it’s our summer, too. “As parents, please take care of yourselves, too. If you have taken time to rest and recharge, you are going to be able to stay far calmer and steadier than if you are running around trying to be all things to all people.
“Know what recharges you: exercise, reading a book, a short walk. Always make time for the small things that fuel you so that you can come back better resourced for your kids.”
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