Caring for parents as they age is more of a moral issue in the UK than a legal one. In some places, such as certain American states and countries like the Philippines and Germany, there are laws that make children liable for their parents’ care expenses.
Yet with an ageing population and creaking social care system, increasingly, people in the UK are finding themselves caring for their elderly parents. Some say this is only right – the child owes this to their parent – while others say that it puts added pressure on families, and that care is something the state should provide.
So, are children responsible for their elderly parents? Janet Street-Porter, Catherine Rentonand Simon Kelner share their Perspectives.
“Look after your dad” was one of the last things my dying mother said to me. I nodded, with tears in my eyes, responding, “Of course I will, I promise.” Mum was only 59 when she succumbed to terminal cancer, leaving me, my father and my older brother behind. I had no idea at the time that caring for my dad would lead to resentment, burnout and sacrificing so many of the things I once held dear.
When my mum died in 2013, my dad was 68 and fully independent, with an active social life and a thriving allotment. Five years later, a fall and a spinal injury led to him being hospitalised and living with chronic pain, becoming ever more dependent on me for picking up groceries and prescriptions and helping arrange medical appointments.
My brother and his family helped out where they could, but I don’t think they fully understood the extent of the care dad needed. Some days, he couldn’t bend down to put on his own socks. I feel like I was often held to higher expectations than my brother by my Boomer dad, too, because he believed in the outdated notion that females should take on the caring role in a family.
In recent years, dad’s mobility has really gone downhill. He tries to make it out to see friends once a week, which is more than I manage, because between working full-time and caring for him, I have no energy for socialising. As for dating, that’s another thing I’ve given up on, because I just don’t have the bandwidth for it.
Friends tell me I am lucky because I don’t have kids and am therefore not part of the “sandwich generation”, but I feel more duties have been heaped on me because I am child-free and therefore seen as someone with more time for caring responsibilities.
I often feel like for every one thing I do for my dad, I have to sacrifice something for myself.
I visit my dad every day, and have designed my work day around caring, often starting work at 6am before heading to my dad’s late morning to do the grocery shop, take him to a medical appointment or just sit and chat, because there are some days when I am the only person he will see or speak to.
I used to travel quite a lot, but now I struggle to go further than a couple of hours from home in case my dad needs me. I also find that when I do take a break, I struggle to relax, because I spend so much time in a state of hypervigilance, waiting for the next crisis to hit.
I spend a surprising amount of money for someone with no social life, but I am an optimist who will buy tickets for events, only to be too tired to make it or need to cancel when something comes up with my dad. I buy myself so many “little treats” like takeaway coffees and fancy pastries to incentivise me to get through the day, or find myself buying expensive beauty products that promise to make me look less tired, when all I really need is a day off and a good night’s sleep.
Medical professionals have asked my dad if he needs outside help, but because he still washes, dresses, feeds himself, and has family support, he is not a priority for social care.
For many years, I had lived with a lot of resentment at my dad for getting ill (which is obviously not his fault), and at my brother for not shouldering more of the responsibility, despite the fact that I had never asked for his help. I was constantly exhausted, started to forget things, lose track of deadlines, and snap at people because I had nothing left to give. I was completely burnt out.
It took my dad being diagnosed with leukaemia last year to be the catalyst for me admitting to my brother that I couldn’t cope. He immediately stepped in to help, accompanying dad to hospital appointments. Thankfully, the cancer was caught early and getting help from my brother meant the mental load began to lighten a little.
Recovery from carer burnout isn’t linear, and I’ve found myself taking on too much sometimes, because I don’t want to let anyone down, and it feels selfish to take time for myself. But no one should be in a position where they have to give up so much of themselves to care for a loved one. Sadly, I know it’s an everyday reality for so many people.
Perspectives
Just read squareCatherine Renton I resented caring for my dad – I had to sacrifice my entire life Read next squareJanet Street-Porter Grandparents do free childcare then are carted off to a care home. It makes me sickHence then, the article about i resented caring for my dad i had to sacrifice my entire life was published today ( ) and is available on inews ( Middle East ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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