“It might be a coincidence,” my friend Laura’s then-seven-year-old daughter confided in her mum after a party. “But I felt like my friends kept running off from me.” Her heart broke – Laura* had also witnessed the interactions between the trio of friends. “I felt it too, I don’t think you imagined it,” she told her.
It was the start of an unhappy year for her daughter, who was always the third of the three, unpaired when everyone in class was asked to choose a partner. She’d spend hours in bed in the evening, often tearful that “even her friends” didn’t seem to like her.
Laura arranged playdates with other class members and encouraged her daughter to try new clubs. “She felt isolated and spent a lot of time alone, as the ringleader of the trio would deign she was ‘not allowed’ to join in games. When she’d start fledgling friendships with other people, her so-called best friends would suddenly want to play with her,” she says.
Laura’s daughter moved into a different class when she moved up a year and in time, she established a wider friendship. But the experience shocked Laura: remembering her own childhood, she’d presumed it would be in the teenage years that they first learnt about toxic friendships. “I wasn’t prepared,” she admits. “I tried to help build my daughter’s resilience so she’d feel free to stand up for herself. But she’s seven and when I chatted to her teacher at parent’s evening, I was relieved that she suggested moving classes.”
I understand her surprise: the passage of time between everything being curable with a hug and emotional problems is swifter than most parents imagine. Especially because it’s very common for children to experience friendship difficulties – toxic trios, isolation and so-called “mean girl” behaviour – from the age of seven.
Education strategist Elaine Cunningham-Walker says: “Around seven to nine, you start to see the language of ‘best friends’ and exclusion creeping in. From 10 to 13 it intensifies: identity is forming and peer approval carries a lot of weight. From 14 onwards, it becomes more subtle but also more strategic, especially with the influence of social media.”
For Marla*, who lives in North Wales, the problems started when her daughter Zoe joined year two. “She settled into a friendship circle with three other girls. The girl she raved over most was named Sophia. As we progressed through year two, my daughter’s behaviour took a downward turn. I dreaded pick up and the inevitable ‘Zoe’s mum, can I have a word?’ from the teacher. Every morning was met with ‘I hate school’. Zoe would open up on occasions: she’d had an argument with Sophia; Sophia walked off and took the others; Sophia said my idea was stupid.
“Things came to a head at the end of summer term. Sophia gave the group a challenge. She had a special charm to award her ‘bestest friend’ and would decide who, according to who was ’nicest to her’. Zoe told me about this challenge on day three, after she and the other girls had spent three days carrying Sophia’s bag, opening doors for her, sharing snacks and so on. I wanted to vomit. I explained it was demoralising and derogatory – and explained the meanings – and asked Zoe not to take part.
“The following week Zoe admitted she was still taking part. I prepared for the worst. On the last day of term, Zoe came out crying. Sophia had decided no one would get the charm, but gave each friend a novelty soap instead. Zoe’s wish for affection turned to anger and, after summer, she didn’t play with Sophia or that group. “She now plays with a mix of girls and boys with no ‘best’ friend – I’m more than happy for it to stay this way.”
One of the hardest decisions for a parent is whether, and when, to chat to other parents about the situation, or approach the school. Julie*, who lives in a small village in the Peak District, tried to chat to her good friend Sarah when their daughters became friends aged 13, and she saw her own daughter as the main antagonist in the friendship.
“The friendship became intense, with clubs and lift sharing – we became quite codependent as parents,” she explains. “My daughter Ava was grumpy in the mornings and frequently late. I knew Sarah’s daughter would be in tears the night before, worried Ava would make her late.”
“I was at a bit of a loss when I started hearing complaints coming from Sarah, though. I felt, as a strong-willed teenager, Ava needed to hear it from her friend. Sarah didn’t agree: she proposed we separate the girls and don’t tell my daughter why. She told me: ‘We have very different approaches to parenting, she needs more discipline’ and I felt so judged.
“I explained the separation to my daughter, but it would have been so much more effective if her friend had told her how she was feeling.”
Julie visited Sarah to clear the air, but it backfired. “My attitude was: ‘They’re very young in an intense friendship that has hit choppy waters. I realise Ava’s behaviour isn’t great, and I’m happy to work with you on it.’ I can understand the tiger mother reaction: she was looking out for her daughter, in the same way I was. What aggrieves me is that it’s so binary in her mind between good and bad. It’s no fun being a parent on this side.
“When you’re friends, you need to think: what will you do if your kids fall out? Tread carefully. Be prepared for your friendship to end: things you’d never thought you’d say as friends are suddenly on the table when children are involved.”
Vicki Broadbent: ‘On reflection, talking parent to parent can be quite triggering’Vicki Broadbent, former teacher and author, also recommends approaching the school rather than parents. When her eldest son Oliver, now studying for his GCSEs, was aged nine she witnessed “manipulation tactics” from another boy who would “proactively isolate” her son and persuade other boys not to sit with him.
“He was trying to put his peacock feathers up, he felt a bit threatened by Oliver and didn’t want to lose his status in the group. I tried to talk to his mother but it didn’t work out. She became defensive and quite rude. On reflection, talking parent to parent can be quite triggering. It’s natural to defend our children and hearing ‘your kid isn’t behaving kindly’ feels like someone is saying you’re not a good mum.”
She adds: “I’ve found, both as a teacher and a parent, that approaching the pastoral lead, year lead or head at school can be more effective as they can behave diplomatically.”
Cunningham-Walker agrees it’s important to proceed with caution. “Just because you have a relationship with the parent does not mean you should immediately step into a conversation about their child. These situations are rarely as straightforward as they seem. Children’s accounts are emotional, sometimes partial, and often evolving. The first step is to pause and assess: is this a pattern or a one-off? Has the school been made aware? Have I fully understood what’s happening? Where parents go wrong is moving too quickly and turning a children’s dynamic into an adult issue.”
In Oliver’s case, the head brought in both boys for a round table chat. “There was clearly a lot going on at home for the boy in question,. While I have empathy, if they’re making another child’s life miserable that becomes frustrating,” she explains. The situation didn’t resolve and she moved her son to another school.
While girls’ friendships are notorious for toxic traits, boys are not exempt. Lee Chambers, founder of Male Allies UK, which works to bring in gender equity, says: “There is a gender divide in friendships, but it’s more socialised than biological. Boys tend to have shallower, activity-based, side-by-side friendships – bonding through doing, with less emotional exchange. Girls tend to be communication-based, face-to-face, bonding through conversation, sharing, building emotional literacy, and tend to be more aware of relationships and where they sit earlier. These are not universal rules but play out in most cases, reinforced early by socialisation: boys are pushed towards independence, get on with it, versus girls who are pushed towards likeability, maintaining harmony. The phrase ‘mean girls’ is oversimplifying – boys have similar behaviours like mocking, proving dominance, and physical displays. The key is to tackle negative behaviour from a place of understanding and togetherness where possible.”
For one of my friends, whose daughter’s closest friend is a “Queen Bee”, approaching the parent has helped to lighten the tension. “I know it’s not helpful to start demonising or blaming one child, but I do feel this girl can just be quite mean,” she says. “On playdates, I overhear her putting my daughter down, bossing her around and enjoying competing with her. A few times, she and my daughter have fallen out, with lots of tears at bedtime in our house. But once they make up they remain inseparable and when we encourage her to play with other kids it falls on deaf ears.
“I know the girl’s mother and recently, after a lot of deliberation, decided to talk to her about it. I would definitely want to know if my child was acting like that. I also feel strongly that my daughter just shouldn’t have to put up with this stuff. I kept it light – I mentioned I’d noticed there’d been some tensions and that I was keen to get things back on track. It led to a good opening up where we each shared what we were hearing. I know she then spoke to her daughter – who got a bit defensive, apparently. It hasn’t solved the issue really, but it felt like a weight lifting just knowing that this girl was aware of how my child was feeling.”
*Names have been changed
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