DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a museum cafe, searching for a place to sit with my husband. There were two remaining tables, but no chairs.
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She said, “No, my husband is coming.”
I replied, “Will the two of you be needing three chairs?” looking at the chair that held her purse.
She said “no” with a flounce, and hung her purse over her own chair, allowing me to take the third chair while glaring at me.
Was I rude to push for the chair? Or was she rude to think a chair for her purse was more important than a chair for a person?
I see people doing this all the time — on crowded trains, in airport lounges and other places. How can they look around a crowded room with people standing and think their purse or work bag is more deserving of a seat?
GENTLE READER: That extra chair is seeing a lot of action. You were not rude to ask for it, but the woman was rude twice: when she refused to give it up the first time and again when she flounced about it.
Perhaps the chair has some thoughts on why the woman thinks her purse is more deserving than yourself. Miss Manners cannot help with that one.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my novels received a prestigious award. Upon learning this from a mutual friend, an acquaintance approached me and said, “Congratulations, but what a shame this didn’t happen years ago when you were still young enough to enjoy it.”
I gathered my 70-year-old wits and politely thanked the person without apologizing for my failure to achieve success earlier in life.
Since then, two other people have expressed similar sentiments.
So far, I’ve held my good manners in front of me like a shield, but I wonder if there is a polite way to respond to the negativity implicit in these statements.
You are my guiding light of good manners. If you say it is best to continue to respond to the congratulations and ignore the rest, I shall do so.
GENTLE READER: The optimists among us are inclined to think these speakers are well-wishers who think you should have gotten the award sooner, but do not know how to express themselves tactfully.
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Dear Abby: I was clobbered by my son’s decision to change his name Asking Eric: Do strangers really need to ask about my device? Harriette Cole: I convinced myself I had to lie to get a job, and now I’m in trouble Miss Manners: Was it really so awful what I said on the eve of the wedding? Dear Abby: Was I out of line to visit my first wife’s crypt?The pessimists will see the phrasing as an insult.
Since at least one speaker was only an acquaintance, there may be no way of knowing which was actually intended, but the response should be the same: Treat it as a joke — not the laugh-out-loud sort, but gentle teasing.
Answer with a broad smile and say, “Yes, if only it had come before my dotage.” This response rewards the tactless well-wisher. But it also punishes the person who intends insult by refusing to accept it.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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