In the UK, it is estimated that 42 per cent of marriages end in divorce, with 60 per cent of them being initiated by women in heterosexual relationships.
Reasons cited for separation often include drifting apart, financial disagreements, adultery and incompatibility, but what are the signs that a marriage is over?
Relationship coach David Chambers and divorce lawyer Ayesha Vardag offer their perspectives, as well as an anonymous woman who writes about having an affair.
I had an affair while I was married. It wasn’t easy, and it caused me a lot of guilt, but it was worth it; it gave me the push I needed to end my marriage.
I was with my husband for 18 years in total, married for 15 years, but if I were honest with myself, I should have left him at least five years before I did.
We had drifted. We lived mostly separate lives. We were basically two friends sharing a home. But while he seemed fine to carry on like this, as long as I was still there taking care of the children, making his meals and washing his clothes. I couldn’t.
It’s hard to leave a long-term relationship for many reasons. You have a home together, in our case, children together; you have to consider the impact your decision will have on the rest of your family. You need to think about the financial implications, especially as a woman with children. And then there’s the simple issue of being alone. I’m a relationship kind of person. I don’t like being alone. So, for me, even though I knew I wasn’t happy anymore, leaving felt like such a huge, scary step to take.
I’d been bobbing along, unhappy in my marriage, for at least five years and it wasn’t until my affair that I really realised that.
I’d reconnected with an ex and we started meeting for coffee to “catch up”. I told my husband who I was meeting up with because, at first, it was just an innocent coffee with an old friend. But, of course, it never was.
Right from that first moment when he walked through the door and a rush of feelings surged through my body, I knew there was nothing innocent about this. I told myself we were just friends and we weren’t doing anything wrong, but really, I knew exactly what I wanted to happen – and after the third time we met up, it did, and we started our affair.
I could use the excuse of not getting the love and attention I craved at home anymore. I could say this man was the one who got away and we had unfinished business. All of which is true. But really, I know, I was looking for my way out of my marriage.
My husband never found out about it, although I know he suspected and I think he knew really. The intense affair burned out after around six months, by which time I’d already begun the process of leaving my marriage. I felt an immense amount of guilt over deceiving my husband and going behind his back like that, but I don’t regret my affair.
It closed the door on that old flame once and for all. That unfinished business was finally finished. No more “what ifs”, I had my answer. It would never have worked. But most of all, that affair made me take action regarding my marriage.
Once I was in the affair, it also showed me exactly what was missing from my marriage. It wasn’t a romantic, physical or even an emotional relationship anymore. It was simply convenient. And I wanted more than that.
I told my husband I couldn’t carry on living like two separate people sharing a house, which is what we were by then, and that I didn’t love him anymore. He was upset at first, but he met and married someone else only a year after we split up, and he’s much happier now, too.
Perhaps I should have left my relationship five years before I did. Maybe I should never have had an affair. But without this sequence of events happening just as they did, there is a chance I would still be there, stuck in that loveless marriage, unhappy and longing for more.
When I look back at all this today, I wouldn’t change a thing.
It was stressful, and I’d never do it again, but it gave me the life I have now – I’m now in a much happier relationship. That affair was the vehicle that pushed me to make that huge change in my life. It gave me the confidence to leave and it gave me the belief that there was a better life out there for me.
Perspectives
square Opinion When is a marriage over? AnonymousMy affair ended my 15-year marriage. I don’t regret a thing
David ChambersI coach men to be better husbands. They’re all making the same mistake
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