Around the time you realise that your relationship has turned the corner from “going steady” to “could be The One”, you find yourself imagining what it’s like to join another family – especially if you’re from a small one yourself.
I have one sibling, no grandparents and no cousins. Our Christmases were close-knit and lovely, but very small affairs. The doorbell never rang, there were no distant relatives or drawn-out lunches with a “kids table”.
When I met my husband-to-be in 2013, I listened to his stories about his big extended family and began to imagine myself as part of it. Three brothers with their own partners and armies of children, both sets of grandparents still alive; Christmases sounded jolly and bustling, miles from the sedate celebrations I’d known.
When he proposed a year later, during a trip to the US, I said yes, thrilled not only to marry him, but to join his family too. I look back at that version of myself now and feel sad for her. Not because my marriage is unhappy – it’s anything but – but that happiness is despite my mother-in-law, not because of her. And I know I’m not alone.
Research by Cambridge University psychologist, Terri Apter, found 60 per cent of women said their relationship with their mother-in-law caused long-term stress, and two-thirds believed their husband’s mother showed jealous, maternal love towards their son.
I’ve never felt welcome by my mother-in-law, Julie*. From the start, it seemed she would rather no one had come between her and her son. The first big red flag emerged – after only a few months of dating – when my then-boyfriend suggested lunch with his mum and her partner.
I’d always been great with parents of previous boyfriends, so I arrived at the north London restaurant optimistic, a bouquet of flowers in hand. Julie barely looked at them. She didn’t stand to greet me, offered a limp wave of her hand, then excitedly wrapped her arms around my boyfriend for an uncomfortably long embrace. I was an afterthought, despite my partner desperately trying to include me in the conversation.
When we left the restaurant, he insisted she’d just been having an off day, and I believed him. In those first few months I wasn’t too concerned. But patterns soon emerged and I started to worry this could be a longer-term issue.
She has ignored me mid-sentence, spoken over me, and once even told me off for talking while she was trying to speak to my husband, holding a finger up to my face to “shush” me. I went to the toilet and cried. She never seemed at all interested in getting to know me, checking in with me about life events, or even asking after me when I’d been ill. I have tried to strike up that kind of relationship with her, but even now she often leaves my messages unanswered.
When, 12 months after we got together, her son proposed, Julie never congratulated me. During our engagement, she never once asked me about our wedding, my dress or our venue. Whenever we saw her, which was frequent in the run-up to the wedding, she would brush me aside, sitting with both arms around my partner, stroking him while they spoke quietly. She behaved as if his marriage simply wasn’t happening.
She has never (ever) done a single nice thing for me, so perhaps it wasn’t surprising that even on our wedding day, she didn’t say a word to me. She looked furious and left early. It was so obvious that several guests even asked me if she was alright.
In the 11 years since we first met, it’s become impossible to ignore that Julie would rather I wasn’t around. My husband struggles to acknowledge her behaviour, fearing disloyalty, which has caused blazing rows between us. I do understand that he’s torn, and he wants to keep the peace. All I want is for him to recognise how unpleasant family gatherings can be because of Julie (his brothers are all lovely, and have made so much effort), where my attempts at warmth are met with criticism or passive aggression, so I don’t feel like I’m going crazy.
My husband and his family keep their heads down, desperate to avoid confrontation with her, but they have acknowledged that she can be “tricky” when it comes to newcomers to the family, (a huge understatement given we’ve been together over a decade now). I don’t tend to broach it out of fear of upsetting my husband although I have shared eyerolls with my sisters-in-law on occasion, that’s as far as it goes – I would rather not rock the boat.
Rather than thawing things, the birth of our three children has only exacerbated things further,
Julie expected us to drive three hours to her, even when I was recovering from emergency C-sections. “I don’t like driving on the motorway,” she told my husband. “It’s easier for you to come to us.” She announced the birth of our second child on Facebook before we could tell friends. Unlike my parents, who regularly help with childcare, she has never once offered.
On the worst occasions, she has also tried to come between us, suggesting my husband visit her alone so she could “look after him” while he “had a rest” from work and parenting. She phones when she knows I’m unavailable, then comments pointedly on my absence. “Is mummy out, again?” she once asked, while I was working upstairs.
Life as a daughter-in-law has not been a breeze. But from conversations I’ve had with friends, it sadly seems to be far more unusual to have a close, warm relationship with your mother-in-law than it is to have a tense one. It’s funny that the old trope when I was growing up was men moaning about their overbearing mother-in-laws, when the really strained relationships are often the other way around.
I’ve stopped trying to make Julie like me, and I’ve stopped hoping my husband will confront her behaviour. Instead, I’ve adopted self-help author Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” theory: protecting my boundaries and my peace matters more than holding on to any bitterness.
I still mourn my naive hopes for a jolly extended family, but we’ve created a warm one all of our own.
*Name changed
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