At the current speed of innovation, an AI-inspired hellscape might not be far off. A Musk-Zuckerberg co-creation that taps into our souls and feeds them tailor-made content.
There will be a chamber dedicated to X, run by demonic blue-tick minions who are engaged in a never-ending Messi vs Ronaldo debate. There will be footage of Rio Ferdinand begging for attention in perpetuity, and I will be forced to watch, my eyes prised open like a scene from A Clockwork Orange.
Ah, but the devil will say. You watched that one video of Ferdinand trying to speak to a reluctant Trent Alexander-Arnold, so surely this is exactly what you want? No? Well, we’ve added it to your infernal algorithm anyway.
View this post on InstagramMake it stop. We always knew management was never for Ferdinand, and clearly television punditry was too vanilla as well, with the former Manchester United and England defender calling time on his 10-year stay at TNT Sports in the summer.
And for what? “I am excited about what the future holds,” he said, “spending more time with my family, focusing on Rio Ferdinand Presents and my other business interests.”
What he missed off was that list was becoming a full-time beg, acting more like a YouTuber than the Premier League great he is.
It is YouTuber behaviour to seek attention from their idols. Streamers like IShowSpeed were still sat in their bedrooms five years ago. Now they’re everywhere, with Speed, who at 20 years old has more than 90m followers, displaying a relatable boyish enthusiasm whenever he meets his hero Cristiano Ronaldo.
At what point Ferdinand, a 47-year-old man, decided he wanted to be Speed when he grew up is unclear. This past fortnight, he was not only trying to chat with Alexander-Arnold, but Vinicius Jr and Raphinha too. He was clearly doing that from the Spanish Super Cup final, held of course in Jeddah.
Ferdinand at the World Cup draw (Photo: AP)He arrived in Saudi Arabia fresh from his stint on the Fifa payroll at last month’s World Cup draw. A camera and microphone just so happened to be behind him when he was pitchside to greet Ronaldo at an Al-Nassr game. Great – add it to the list of pointless videos which are going over my head but evidently aren’t leaving my feed.
With each one I see, all that stares back is an attention-seeker desperate to remain relevant without realising their behaviour is belittling their own status as one of the Premier League’s greatest ever centre-backs.
But alas, should I be surprised? His former teammates at club and international level appear on shows called The Overlap, The Rest is Football and The Good, The Bad & The Football, while Ferdinand modestly presents his views on, erm… Rio Ferdinand Presents.
That, honestly, is a shame. Ferdinand still has the capacity to provide unique insight. Instead he has retreated into his own channel, an echo chamber. Who is actually listening? What’s the quality like? That’s irrelevant. Think of the brand.
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There is a reason my feed floods with The Overlap and The Rest is Football segments. They offer genuine debate and entertainment. When it comes to Ferdinand footage, all I see are awkward interactions.
The substance is lacking, and for someone so clearly obsessed with optics it boggles the mind that he can’t see how amateurish these look-at-me videos are.
Perhaps, though, when your favourite subject is yourself, perspective doesn’t just get blurry – it disappears entirely.
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