Dear Eric:
About 14 years ago our son was seriously dating a woman whom both my wife and I really adored. We both thought she would be a great wife and daughter-in-law.
She became the daughter we always wanted to have.
Then the unspeakable happened. She cheated on him. They broke up, yet remained friends, but she claimed she had adopted us as her parents. She was estranged from her father and rarely spoke with her mother. She would come and visit us on her own.
My son was sort of OK with this and she still came to family dinners, events, even when my son brought a new girlfriend along. Then she moved far away for work, but we kept in touch all the time over the phone and internet.
Then my son got engaged to a wonderful woman, whom we dearly love. But when he found out we were still in close contact with the other woman, he had a raging fit, and all but demanded we drop her.
Now we are so torn apart. After a 14-year relationship, do we just drop this woman who became a part of our lives? It was pretty much only us in her life.
What do we do?
– Second Parents
Dear Parents:
The first thing you should do may be the hardest: talk to your son and ask him his honest opinion about the last 14 years. This blow-up didn’t come out of nowhere. You write that he was “sort of OK,” for instance. This raises big questions. How much hurt has he been sitting on all this time? Has he tried talking about this before? What is sort of OK?
Give him space to voice his feelings, acknowledge them, apologize if and when appropriate and then talk about what happens next.
It’s not really fair for him to dictate whom you can and can’t befriend, but he does have a painful past with this person, so more caution and a clearer boundary is going to be necessary.
All of it starts with clearing the air with your son. Simply dropping his ex isn’t going to solve his problem, and it’s only going to cause you and her more pain. But this adopted parent relationship was constructed on a shaky foundation, so you’ll have to dig down before you can build up.
Dear Eric:
A beloved member of my close friend group has joined a drum troupe that plays at events through the city. She always group-texts her besties and tells us where she will be and when and urges us to come.
I understand showing up for my creative friends when they are in plays (or write plays!) or play in bands (even mediocre ’70s rock covers). I make the effort to be there to support.
We all showed up when they played at No Kings Day. I thought I fulfilled my obligation, but no. She continues to ask us to come to more of the shows. I am happy for her that she has found something that brings her joy, but it doesn’t bring us joy. Standing around watching a drum troupe doesn’t appeal to any of us. None of us want to hurt her feelings. I feel extra guilty because she has come to a bunch of my storytelling gigs. How should we handle this?
– Super Trouper
Dear Trouper:
I don’t think the group should address it at all. There’s no way that it wouldn’t hurt to hear one’s close friends say, en masse, that they don’t want to come to anymore of one’s performances. And there’s no harm in your friend’s enthusiasm. If it needs to be addressed, it should be done individually.
Two big questions here: what is your expectation of yourself with regard to showing up for friends’ events and what is your friend’s expectation of her friends? If, for instance, she’s inviting you because she thinks you’ll enjoy it, there’s a different expectation than if she’s inviting you because it helps her to have a friendly face. Basically, are you there to be a member of the audience or are you there to be her friend?
Similarly, what do you expect of yourself? Even with the text invites, you’re actually under no obligation to do something you don’t enjoy. There are probably other ways that your friendship flourishes. And if she presses the issue with you, then you can say that you’re happy for her but you’re not the best audience.
It might hurt for her to hear that her offering isn’t landing for you the way she wants it to. But this conversation is an opportunity for you to reaffirm that you support her pursuits and remind her that the reason she got into this is because it brings her, and many others, joy.
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