What Does It Mean To Be an Emotionally Intelligent Parent to Adult Kids?
You may have already heard about emotional intelligence (or EQ or EI). Essentially, it’s the ability to recognize, identify and manage your emotions, along with other people’s. In a world as terrifying and sad as ours often is, you can only imagine how important that skill is. Psychologists share more about what it means. “Emotional intelligence involves making space for a wide range of emotions and a mixture of emotions within self and others,” says Dr. Brandy Smith, PhD, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Birmingham, Alabama. “Someone who is emotionally intelligent will generally work to be open to feedback, even if it is difficult to hear, and make efforts to consistently engage in healthy communication.”Naturally, emotional intelligence is a trait that requires other traits. If you don’t already have them, they can be built.“To be emotionally intelligent requires self-awareness—being able to recognize your own emotions and their effects on others,” says Dr. Francine Toder, PhD, a clinical psychologist, emeritus academic and professional writer who just published her fifth book, Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0. “It requires empathy—sensing others’ feelings and perspectives, and taking an interest in their concerns; in other words, putting yourself in others’ shoes.”Related: 13 Signs a Boomer Parent Has High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
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2. 'It will be alright.'
Yep, this phrase is surprisingly best avoided. While you may intend to comfort your child with it—and may do so—it can also cause them to feel worse. For starters, it’s not something you can promise, and it doesn’t address the real feelings they're having. “You don’t know,” Dr. Toder says. “Until you really understand the problem, refrain from fixing it.”At the same time, she validates that this urge is understandable. Who wants to see their child stressed and upset? “But it’s not your job to find a solution,” she continues. “Even worse, it might seem like you are undermining them and doubting their ability to handle their lives effectively.”Related: 35 Common Toxic Positivity Phrases To Stop Using—Plus, What To Say Instead
4. 'When I was your age…'
While people can have similar experiences at certain ages, they won’t be the same, because people, society and the world are different now than they used to be.Instead of reiterating your principles or experiences, focus on your adult child’s. “It’s time to learn from them about what matters to them, if you really want to understand and accept them as they are,” Dr. Toder says. “Start by listening.”
6. 'Your brother/sister/uncle/etc. managed to…'
Sharing suggestions can be helpful (when solicited), but comparisons are not.“See your adult child—not as you assumed him/her to be, not as you want him/her to be, but as he/she really is,” Dr. Toder says. “Your adult child is not likely to follow in your footsteps, nor those of others you admire.”
7. 'Suck it up, buttercup.'
How To Become a More Emotionally Intelligent Parent to Your Adult Children
Besides avoiding those aforementioned phrases, how can parents act with emotional intelligence when interacting with their adult children?Dr. Toder summarizes her tips:
Refrain from fixing problems until you really understand them. Learn about your adult child’s values and life choices, without preaching. See your adult child not as you assumed them to be, or want them to be, but as they really are. Remember that if you’re talking more than half the time, you’re lecturing, not listening.Related: 8 Habits To Start With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
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Dr. Brandy Smith, PhD, is a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Birmingham, Alabama.Dr. Francine Toder, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, emeritus academic and author of Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0.Hence then, the article about 7 things emotionally intelligent parents never say to their adult children psychologists reveal was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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