Stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) may seem to have it made—they "don't have to work all day" and they get to spend time cuddling their kids, right? Actually, that's an inaccurate way to view stay-at-home moms. People who have those opinions could be forgetting (or unaware of) the demands involved, and they may not fully understand modern-day standards of parenting in general. Psychologists warn that misconceptions and generational differences can lead grandparents to say the wrong thing to a stay-at-home mom, and it's best to choose your words thoughtfully."Stay-at-home moms are doing a job that’s invisible to most people—especially to grandparents who came of age when motherhood was depicted much differently, expectations were different and the mental load was hardly ever acknowledged," says Dr. Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, a psychologist. "SAHMs are 'on' from the moment they hit the ground, handling childcare, household duties, emotional labor and the continual expectation of keeping everything running."OK, but "sticks and stones," right? Not really, and definitely not in this regard."[Certain phrases] can make her feel like her labor is invisible and that her contributions are not valued," explains Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health.It can cause friction in your relationship with this mother and the rest of the family. To help you avoid inserting your foot in your mouth, psychologists share 11 things grandparents should never say to a stay-at-home mom—and what to tell her instead.Related: 8 Signs of a Toxic Grandparent—Plus, How Families Should Respond, a Psychologist Reveals
11 Phrases Grandparents Shouldn't Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom, Psychologists Warn
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2. 'So when are you going back to real work?'
What a wild sentence, because stay-at-home parenting is work."This one can feel hurtful because many SAHMs already question whether what they’re doing 'counts,'" Dr. Slavens explains. "Comments like this can bring out identity loss to the surface."
4. 'I stayed home, too, but I never let the house get messy.'
Psychologists say it's crucial for grandparents to avoid comparing their lived experiences to those of a modern-day stay-at-home mom."This compares generations and sets an unrealistic standard," points out Dr. Amy Todey, Ph.D., a psychologist. "Today’s norms for parenting—child enrichment, developmental scaffolding, therapy appointments, school involvement—are vastly different. A comment like this activates defensiveness and erodes your relationship."
6. 'Your husband works so hard—you’re lucky you get to be home.'
Consider that he is also lucky to have a partner who stays home with the children so he can focus on his career aspirations."This comment centers the partner’s contribution while minimizing hers," Dr. Todey explains. "It reinforces outdated gender roles and can make a mom feel indebted rather than respected. SAHMs often work longer hours than anyone else in the home."
8. 'You're wasting your degree/education.'
Dr. Guarnotta dislikes this one because it implies that a woman's value is linked to her professional title while positioning stay-at-home parenting as a subpar option."Many mothers struggle with their identities, and having a grandparent reinforce this can trigger shame and resentment," she reports.
10. 'Don’t you miss talking to adults?'
If the answer is "yes," let her share her perspective first, without prompting. "While it might be true that being a SAHM means most interactions are with children, there is an implication behind this type of comment that being a SAHM is not stimulating or satisfying," explains Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "It places prioritization over interacting with adults instead of parenting."
11. 'How are you not going stir crazy? I would be so bored if I were you.'
When it comes to what grandparents can say instead, try something validating. "It never hurts to start with some recognition," Dr. Goldman says. "A SAHM is the reason the family is functioning."Dr. Goldman suggests saying something like, “You are keeping this family afloat."And Dr. Todey recommends saying, “I see how hard you’re working, and you’re doing an incredible job.”"This one sentence validates the invisible labor, acknowledges the emotional complexity of caregiving and gives the mom something she rarely receives: recognition," she says.Up Next:
Related: 9 Things 'Slow-Living' Grandparents Do Differently, According to Child Psychologists
Sources:
Dr. Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, is a psychologist.Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, is a psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health.Dr. Amy Todey, Ph.D., is a psychologist.Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.Hence then, the article about 11 things grandparents should never say to a stay at home mom according to psychologists was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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