11 Things Grandparents Should Never Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom, According to Psychologists ...Saudi Arabia

Stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) may seem to have it made—they "don't have to work all day" and they get to spend time cuddling their kids, right? Actually, that's an inaccurate way to view stay-at-home moms. People who have those opinions could be forgetting (or unaware of) the demands involved, and they may not fully understand modern-day standards of parenting in general. Psychologists warn that misconceptions and generational differences can lead grandparents to say the wrong thing to a stay-at-home mom, and it's best to choose your words thoughtfully."Stay-at-home moms are doing a job that’s invisible to most people—especially to grandparents who came of age when motherhood was depicted much differently, expectations were different and the mental load was hardly ever acknowledged," says Dr. Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, a psychologist. "SAHMs are 'on' from the moment they hit the ground, handling childcare, household duties, emotional labor and the continual expectation of keeping everything running."OK, but "sticks and stones," right? Not really, and definitely not in this regard."[Certain phrases] can make her feel like her labor is invisible and that her contributions are not valued," explains Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health.It can cause friction in your relationship with this mother and the rest of the family. To help you avoid inserting your foot in your mouth, psychologists share 11 things grandparents should never say to a stay-at-home mom—and what to tell her instead.Related: 8 Signs of a Toxic Grandparent—Plus, How Families Should Respond, a Psychologist Reveals

11 Phrases Grandparents Shouldn't Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom, Psychologists Warn

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Dr. Slavens says every stay-at-home mom has heard this one at least once, and it has a nails-on-a-chalkboard effect."It’s not necessarily meant to be condescending," she concedes. "Still, it can diminish the reality of the role, which is often a constant loop of managing emotions, keeping everyone fed and clean and keeping the house in working order. It is work that you can’t clock out of, and you don’t know how intense it is until you’ve done it." Related: 7 Things a Trauma-Informed Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Doing ASAP

2. 'So when are you going back to real work?'

What a wild sentence, because stay-at-home parenting is work."This one can feel hurtful because many SAHMs already question whether what they’re doing 'counts,'" Dr. Slavens explains. "Comments like this can bring out identity loss to the surface."

It may be hard for a stay-at-home mom to formulate an answer to this because she is, in fact, legitimately exhausted. "If anything, being with your kids all day is precisely why SAHMs are so exhausted," Dr. Slavens explains. "SAHMs carry the emotional, physical and mental load nonstop. There’s no quiet commute, no coffee break and definitely no leaving at the end of the day."Related: 5 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying

4. 'I stayed home, too, but I never let the house get messy.'

Psychologists say it's crucial for grandparents to avoid comparing their lived experiences to those of a modern-day stay-at-home mom."This compares generations and sets an unrealistic standard," points out Dr. Amy Todey, Ph.D., a psychologist. "Today’s norms for parenting—child enrichment, developmental scaffolding, therapy appointments, school involvement—are vastly different. A comment like this activates defensiveness and erodes your relationship."

The line is often packed with revisionist history or, at the very least, the benefit of time passing (and different standards)."Many grandparents unintentionally romanticize their own resilience," Dr. Todey says. "But today’s moms face different stressors: less community support, more child-rearing demands, higher expectations and more isolation. This comment can make a SAHM feel weak for needing support."Related: 10 ‘Old-School’ Boomer Habits That Can Come Across as Gaslighting, According to Psychologists

6. 'Your husband works so hard—you’re lucky you get to be home.'

Consider that he is also lucky to have a partner who stays home with the children so he can focus on his career aspirations."This comment centers the partner’s contribution while minimizing hers," Dr. Todey explains. "It reinforces outdated gender roles and can make a mom feel indebted rather than respected. SAHMs often work longer hours than anyone else in the home."

Dr. Guarnotta points out that some people may ask this one with genuine curiosity, but there's a loaded subtext."This question implies that unless she brings home a paycheck, her time is wasted," she shares. "The truth is that the labor of being a SAHM is invisible. It's emotion regulation, conflict resolution, logistics, safety monitoring and the list goes on. Asking a question like this forces a mom to have to defend her existence."Related: Parents and Grandparents Who Raise Self-Aware Kids Often Do These 6 Things, According to Child Psychologists

8. 'You're wasting your degree/education.'

Dr. Guarnotta dislikes this one because it implies that a woman's value is linked to her professional title while positioning stay-at-home parenting as a subpar option."Many mothers struggle with their identities, and having a grandparent reinforce this can trigger shame and resentment," she reports.

This comment often isn't delivered with ill intent, but Dr. Guarnotta says it can reek of "toxic positivity.""It invalidates the real struggle of parenthood," she explains. "Being told to cherish every moment creates guilt for those who are struggling. It suggests that she should be happy 100% of the time."She also points out that comments like this one might discourage a mom from speaking up and seeking help when she's struggling because she "should" be happy.

10. 'Don’t you miss talking to adults?'

If the answer is "yes," let her share her perspective first, without prompting. "While it might be true that being a SAHM means most interactions are with children, there is an implication behind this type of comment that being a SAHM is not stimulating or satisfying," explains Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "It places prioritization over interacting with adults instead of parenting."

11. 'How are you not going stir crazy? I would be so bored if I were you.'

Again, Dr. Goldman shares it's important to avoid putting words in a stay-at-home mom's mouth."This type of comment, aside from being judgmental, implies that a SAHM is trapped in her home, not doing anything stimulating or challenging all day," she says. "It also places value on paid employment, suggesting that working outside of the home is more meaningful or engaging."She notes that people often don't realize that being a stay-at-home mom's days are often so full that it's hard to come up for air. It's not necessarily dull, and comments like this one can make a SAHM feel misunderstood.Related: 10 Phrases To Avoid With Your Adult Kids To Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists

When it comes to what grandparents can say instead, try something validating. "It never hurts to start with some recognition," Dr. Goldman says. "A SAHM is the reason the family is functioning."Dr. Goldman suggests saying something like, “You are keeping this family afloat."And Dr. Todey recommends saying, “I see how hard you’re working, and you’re doing an incredible job.”"This one sentence validates the invisible labor, acknowledges the emotional complexity of caregiving and gives the mom something she rarely receives: recognition," she says.Up Next:

Related: 9 Things 'Slow-Living' Grandparents Do Differently, According to Child Psychologists

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