Nevertheless, they were sent to Reading's Shinfield Studios to see the real sets of Squid Game: The Challenge and take part in two devious game demos, which were nothing if not humbling.
As immersive as it was, David and Laura didn't have any cash on the line during their grand day out, but the risk of humiliation in front of one's peers did loom large – and quickly became a reality.
This is their story.
Welcome to Squid Game
I'm player 255, kitted out with my tracksuit (which was in fact made in Korea – I checked) and thermals on underneath; white slip-ons; a water bottle and a black bag (with a toothbrush and toothpaste labelled 255 inside). There's a gigantic red 'X' and blue 'O' on the ground, which was used in the drama for players to indicate whether they wanted to stop or continue the games.
Before our games begin, I'm served curry and rice by the intimidating guards in pink. I thank them, in case politeness is rewarded. Naturally, they don't respond, and it makes me question my relationship to authority figures. My inclination is very much to obey them and stay on their good side, but it probably won't make a difference in Squid Game. Just keep a low profile, I think!
It's surreal walking up and down the pastel-coloured staircases that are meant to lead to the games, but these ones lead... nowhere, but that is, of course, where the TV magic comes in.
But after an hour of spouting egomaniacal nonsense to anyone that would listen, I realise that – for better or worse – the unpredictable 'alpha' qualities of the pill-popping performer don't exactly come naturally to me.
It strikes me that, were we competing in the deadly version, these would be the true Thanos-style figures, and I would probably be one of their grovelling followers. Oh well.
Game 1: Six-Legged Pentathlon
For the six-legged pentathlon, taken from Squid Game season 2, five players have their legs tied together and must complete five different minigames within five minutes, competing against another team of five. These include: Ball in a Cup, Flying Stone, Gonggi, House of Cards, and Jegi, and we receive a demonstration of each one.
I'm sweating and feeling the pressure – especially with my team relying on me and cameras in my face. In the end, all that matters is beating the other team, which we manage to do, crossing that rainbow finish line for VICTORY!
This is my ethos going into our first game, Six Legs, where I am determined to wow my fellow players with a never-before-realised aptitude for Korean playground games.
Of the five stations, each with a different challenge assigned to a single player, I leap at the chance to play Gonggi; an intricate game of throwing and catching that looks mesmerising on screen.
Seven excruciating minutes later, the producer tells me to stop and move on. I am shaking and feel as if I have been playing for hours.
Set visit: Mingle
In Squid Game season 2, when the carousel stops, a number is called out and the players must form groups of that number and enter the surrounding rooms, then close the door.
David is obviously a great stand-in for him, so there's only one thing left to do, and that's link arms and twirl around, exactly as Thanos (RIP) would have wanted!
Truthfully, I feel unable to muster the same enthusiasm as the real Thanos once did, not because it doesn't look the part – it certainly does – but because I am, to use the clinical term, f**king knackered.
I want to sit down, or better yet, curl up in the foetal position. May the real players of Squid Game: The Challenge be blessed with stronger stamina than I.
Game 2: Slides and Ladders
Players are put in pairs and roll a die to progress on the board. If they land on a ladder, they go up, and if they land on the dual slide, one transports them further down the board, while the other eliminates them. There are also 'twist' cards to choose from that reveal either an advantage or a disadvantage, with only six teams able to progress.
We're feeling incredibly smug... for a brief moment.
I go down the other giant metal slide, which is surprisingly high and fast, and let out a warbled scream as I come out much further down the board back to where I started. Oh, it's a cruel game…
Change is in the air. You see, it soon becomes clear that what I indisputably lack in skill, I can make up for here in random luck (the great equaliser!).
Stepping onto an industrial-sized expansion of the quintessential children's board game, my partner (People's Gabrielle Rockson) and I have no choice but to leave our destinies to dice rolls and card draws. Fate smiles kindly upon us.
But still, it's glorious to end the day on a positive note, after some considerable ego bruising at the start. (Quietly, I am disappointed to be deprived of a go on one of the slides.)
Death Comes for Us All
I fall immediately to the floor, milking this moment as much as I can. Despite my fake death, which is all part of the experience, I manage to make it out alive, exhilarated, but utterly convinced I would not last long on The Challenge.
I have actually seen a few of my fellow players since, and we're now forever bonded (trauma bonded?) as Squid Game survivors.
I count my blessings that I am last in line for eruption, feeling this is my chance to launch the acting career that, deep down, I always thought of as my true calling.
"Yes! Surely I will not regret this when the footage is shared with me nine months from now," I think to myself.
Squid Game: The Challenge is available to stream on Netflix.
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