There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted children. No dilemma, no debate. No long-drawn-out discussions with my husband. As two consenting adults with jobs, a home, and the means to raise children, it didn’t feel like anyone’s business but our own.
Looking back now, though, I am not sure about that.
By the time our children, Lily and Clio, were six and nine, I was burnt out – too stressed to enjoy the two small humans I’d invited into my life with a career as a freelance writer. While my husband, Anthony, was working 14-hour days at the office, I remember freezing in panic when I heard the words, “Mummy, can you play with me?” because my deadlines were shouting even louder.
As I struggled to meet demands from editors and children simultaneously, I would sometimes bitterly observe how “having it all” had come to mean “having to do” absolutely everything – on my own. Yet, as a woman brought up in a culture of individualism, I thought I simply had to.
My brain constantly felt like a computer with too many tabs open. Even an essential visit to my GP came to feel as self-indulgent as a spa weekend. I wasn’t living, I was just surviving.
I was too embarrassed to ask other family members for help because it felt like an admission of failure. When I tried to drop heavy hints to the grandparents, I got blank looks I interpreted as, “It was your choice to have children and work. You live with it.” Even though, in reality, it was down to financial necessity. I even got the blame for being “stressed”.
The result was, in 2012, I hit burnout – dysthymia (or high-functioning depression), numbness, and anhedonia (the inability to experience joy or pleasure). It forced me to finally take my foot off the gas because I could see the effect the stress was having on all of us.
So I dialled back the journalism, even if it meant less money, concentrated on books and retrained as a Gestalt psychotherapist.
Fast forward to 2025, both my girls are in their twenties – and I am through the other end. But as a parenting author, I now recognise the challenge is even greater for new parents than it was when I became one in the early 2000s.
Once, it took a village to raise a child. Now it’s left to two, or fewer, strung-out adults on a hamster wheel, chasing the cash to pay for ever more expensive nurseries which, according to Care.com’s 2024 Cost of Care Report, now cost a quarter of their household income.
But, really, we were never supposed to do it alone.
The extended family was always the default childcare system – until a dramatic shift in the past 50 years (Photo: Daniel Balakov / Getty Images)We seem to have forgotten that throughout most of human history, children were brought up by their extended family – not just their parents. This idea of communal childcare lasted well into the last century. Grandparents were always deeply involved in raising grandchildren – the extended family was the default childcare system. Families often lived close by, often in multigenerational households, and caring for other members of our family was considered a duty and moral norm.
In the past 50 years, there has been a dramatic shift. The creation of the welfare state from 1945 on dramatically changed expectations of how families helped each other. -war housing boom and the creation of new towns scattered families who might once have lived on the same street. Migration toward cities and job opportunities meant different generations were far less likely to live close by – let alone under the same roof – as they once did.
By the 1980s, cultural messaging had also shifted decisively toward independence and self-fulfilment for all generations. The tide moved toward “empty nest freedom”, dissolving expectations that older people should prioritise family care over their own lives or leisure. Retirement was rebranded as a time to go on cruises and play golf – not to help out with the grandkids. Grandparents began to see themselves as part of the “freedom generation” who deserved the right to clock off from childcare for good.
But economic uncertainty in the UK now means the number of families who need two wage earners to own a home and keep up with the cost of living has hit a record high. According to the latest ONS figures, three in four mothers with children now work, and there are more families than ever where both parents work full-time.
This social shift is bringing modern parents to breaking point. Three in 10 UK parents say raising children has negatively impacted their mental health in the past year, according to a recent Parentkind survey.
And here’s the hard truth: the people who suffer most are our children. Stress is contagious.
Pulled in every direction, many of today’s working parents spend most of their time in survival mode, struggling to keep the show on the road. Imagine how frightening that must be for a child – who depends on their parents for everything – to see them constantly on the edge. In our manic rush to stay afloat, we miss the fact that children often process this frantic busyness as rejection, believing they are to blame.
Controversial though it may sound, we can’t keep pretending that raising a child is a decision for us parents alone. Considering this social shift is not good for our kids, would it really be such a bad idea to check whether your parents or extended family are on board – and willing to help – before you have children?
Of course, for some families, that’s not always possible. Difficult dynamics, distance, death, and illness can make it impossible for grandparents to give regular support. But there are other ways to build a childcare community, like babysitting cooperatives, where families with children of similar ages share responsibilities and youngsters can also grow up surrounded by familiar, caring adults.
square PARENTING 'I had a C-section but my husband was at work two weeks later - I felt so alone'
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The time has come to step back and look at the bigger picture. For the sake of the mental health of the next generation – and ours – I’d say it’s time to remember our society’s common goal: to raise emotionally healthy kids. Because that’s one thing that’s not happening at the moment.
UK children are among the most unhappy in the world, according to the latest Unicef statistics. Compared with other high-income countries, the UK ranks second to last when it comes to life satisfaction by the time they are teens.
As the author of 12 parenting books over 16 years, who has charted some of these social shifts in real time, I would say one reason for rising anxiety and depression among young people is the loss of that childcare ‘village’ that for millennia helped children survive and thrive.
Maybe if I’d had grandparent childcare I wouldn’t have felt like I spent the first half of my parenting journey in survival mode, and could have been more present with my children at lovely moments, like bed and bathtimes. Perhaps I’d have been more emotionally available, too, instead of going straight into ‘fix’ mode with my kids’ problems.
The onus shouldn’t just be on desperate parents to ask for help, either. If grandparents really do want grandchildren, that request should come with a commitment to offer help and ensure it’s part of the family plan from the start.
After all, parenting doesn’t stop once your own children become adults. That need for warmth, love and care is also needed by your descendants who follow.
‘What’s my Baby Thinking? Practical Child Psychology for Modern Parents’ (£18.99, DK Books) is out now
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