In an interview to promote his return to the British small screen, Lincoln confessed he was “none the wiser” if Coldwater was a “a farce, comedy or thriller”. Welcome to the club, Andrew – at the end of the first episode, I am unsure if the Scotland-set series is pulling an elaborate joke. It can’t be this dreadful on purpose, surely? Is there a punchline I’m not getting?
Ewen Bremner as Tommy, a creepy Bible studies teacher obsessed with serial killers (Photo: Sister/ITV)
Lincoln huffs and puffs, and the script clearly calls for him to look as if he is having a breakdown as he pegs it. But his terror immediately veers into (presumably accidental) comedy. There are hints later in the episode of past anger management issues, which could potentially explain John’s extreme reaction. In that moment, though, it is like watching a clumsy re-enactment of Tom Cruise dashing across a rooftop in Mission Impossible.
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Then, Trainspotting’s Ewen Bremner pops up as John’s new next door neighbour Tommy, a creepy Bible studies teacher obsessed with serial killers. He is a little too keen on making John his new best friend, and Bremner seems stuck between portraying the character as a monster or a just bit of an oddball.
Indira Virma as Tommy’s wife, Fiona (Photo: Sister/ITV)
You have to feel, too, for Varma. A star of high-wattage hits such as Luther and Game of Thrones, she now finds herself marooned in an ITV drama that has all the spark of a battery recycling bin.
Coldwater writer David Ireland has described the series as a love letter to folk horror movies such as The Wicker Man. But where that classic chiller was deceptively bright and chirpy on the surface – most of it takes place during daylight – and terrifying just underneath, Coldwater is the opposite. It takes the serious subjects of PTSD and anger management and twists them into grim parody.
‘Coldwater’ continues tomorrow at 9pm on ITV1
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