“Hey darling so sorry I haven’t been in touch, life is busy, and I was thinking that we should touch base and work out a…” I look down and there are another four and a half minutes to listen to. I put it onto double speed. The speed is stressful, almost incomprehensible, but I need to do a work call.
WhatsApp reports that around seven billion voice notes are sent per day worldwide and if my experience is anything to go by, these billions of messages are getting longer and longer. It’s out of control.
Would you ever go up to a friend, download the contents of your brain and daily schedule whilst staring at them with bulging eyes? No, you’d curate interesting news, or if you were in a rush, you’d say “How are you? I’m fine,” and speed off again.
However, not everyone feels the same way. Many of my friends love the voice note format – the longer the better.
I also don’t mind voice notes that have a strong sense of purpose. It is not the verbal equivalent of turning your brain tap on and pouring it into someone else’s tired ears. “Oh look there’s some fox mess on the pavement, almost stepped in that. Lord what is it with local foxes?” — these are not details anyone needs to know.
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One of my worries, however, is that it is perhaps making us more self indulgent? Voice notes give us the opportunity to show off to our friends, create our own personal podcasts but perhaps lose some of the skills of listening and feeling empathy and connection? Overall however if you’re going to inflict a monologue on your friend that please at least make it short, snappy and funny. Could we agree that each note should be the time it takes to make a cup of tea, max?
And please make it interesting. Tell me that you have just exploded your life. That you fancy your neighbour. Sing a song. Be entertaining. If you don’t have much of your own drama to share, make sure your gossip is at least A-grade and not that you saw a mutual friend not paying for a Tesco carrier bag a couple of days ago.
Rules for good voice notes
Keep them short. Two minutes max. Debrett’s suggests keeping recordings under two minutes, otherwise “your weary listeners will be forced to speed up the recording”.
If your friend is going through a traumatic time then a phone call is probably best. A voice note is the the aural equivalent of sending carnations from the petrol station rather than some fancy peonies from Marks and Spencer.
Be careful that you voice note the right person. I once did an impression of Boris Johnson to the entire Year 5 parenting WhatsApp because I thought I was on a different chat.
Tell your friends that you love them. This never gets old. After all, as Time magazine recently noted: “It’s a small act of love, I think, to want to talk to someone – however you choose to do it.”
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