People With Unresolved Childhood Trauma Often Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says ...Saudi Arabia

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These days, it seems like more and more people are talking about "unresolved childhood trauma," and what that can look like in adulthood. For Dr. Robyn Koslowitz, licensed school psychologist, licensed clinical psychologist and educational director of the Targeted Parenting Institute, the topic is personal.Author of Post-Traumatic Parenting: Break the Cycle and Become the Parent You Always Wanted To Be (out July 1), Dr. Koslowitz's inspiration for researching and focusing on post-traumatic parenting actually came from her own story."I had PTSD at a time when no one was talking about PTSD. This was before 9/11—when trauma wasn’t in the cultural lexicon, when we didn’t yet have language like 'trauma-informed' or 'triggered,'” she tells Parade. "I had panic attacks and flashbacks, but I didn’t have a name for them. I just knew: 'Something’s wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it.'"Then, she got pregnant."I started asking myself: 'If it’s this hard for me to be in my body, what is it like for the baby inside me? What’s my stress doing to my child?' And as my children grew, those questions deepened: 'Will my damage damage them?'" she explains."I devoured parenting books—but they all felt like they were written for someone who was already on the third floor of the building, just trying to get to the roof (and there’s an elevator!)," Dr. Koslowitz continues. "I was in the sub-basement. No lights. No stairs. No map. I didn’t need a gentle parenting script—I needed a way out."She didn't have the resources she needed at the time, so she created one for other adults going through similar experiences."I wrote the book I needed back then," she says. "Not a book that tells you how to parent from the third floor—but the one that helps you build the staircase when you're still in the dark. A book that says: you can break the cycle. You can stop your damage from damaging your child. And you can heal yourself while you raise your child."Now, Dr. Koslowitz is sharing 15 common traits of adults with unresolved childhood trauma and how that experience can not only impact you long-term as a parent—but also as a friend, family member, partner, employee and person in general. Plus, she provides tips to begin healing.Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say

Dr. Robyn Koslowitz

Examples of Unresolved Trauma Experienced in Childhood

"Unresolved trauma isn’t always about what people traditionally think of as trauma," Dr. Koslowitz explains. "Yes, it includes physical, emotional or sexual abuse. But it also includes growing up in chaos, in emotional neglect or in homes where love was conditional. It includes being the child of a parent with addiction or mental illness. It includes being shamed for having needs. And it includes never feeling safe—physically or emotionally.""What makes it traumatic is the impact, not just the event," she continues. "It’s the messages that you’re too much, you’re not enough or you’re on your own."

"You’re always scanning for what might go wrong," Dr. Koslowitz explains. "In parenting or relationships, this often shows up as criticism—it feels safer to spot problems before they spot you."Related: 7 Common Parenting Tactics That Can Actually Hurt Your Kid's Confidence, a Child Psychologist Warns

2. People-pleasing

"You shut down emotionally, especially in high-stress moments," she shares. "This isn’t coldness—it’s protection. Feeling too much once overwhelmed your system, so now, you stay disconnected. Another term for this is alexythymia."

4. Fear of conflict

"You say sorry for existing," she reveals. "You may have had trauma that others didn’t and internalized the idea that your needs were 'too much.' But having needs doesn’t mean you’re needy. It means you’re human."Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

6. Perfectionism

"You don’t just think I did something wrong, you feel I am wrong," she explains. "Trauma teaches you that your worth is conditional—and mistakes seem to confirm your deepest fears."

8. Difficulty Trusting Others

"Trauma trains you to believe that control=safety," she stresses. "So when something’s uncertain, you panic. You overprepare, overanalyze or freeze entirely—because once, lack of control meant real harm or the sensation of life being out of control felt overwhelming."Related: 7 Signs of 'High-Functioning Depression,' According to a Columbia-Trained Psychiatrist

10. Emotional Reactivity

"Vulnerability once led to exploitation, so now it feels like weakness," she shares. "You stay 'strong,' stoic or busy—anything to avoid being seen as soft or exposed."Related: 8 Phrases To Replace Saying 'It's OK' When It's Really Not OK, According to Psychologists

12. Disconnection from Your Body

"Your child’s distress feels unbearable—because it echoes your own," she says about how this can impact you as a parent. "You forget that supported distress can build resilience. You never had that support, so it’s hard to trust that they will."

14. Panic in Uncertainty

15. Difficulty Receiving Care

"You’re the caretaker—but struggle to let others care for you," she says. "Somewhere along the line, you learned your needs would be dismissed, mocked or unmet. So now, you give and give… and silently feel empty."Related: Psychologists Are Begging Women To Remove These 15 Phrases from Their Vocabulary

How To Begin Healing

"Therapy can be life-changing—especially trauma-informed models like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Internal Family Systems (IFS) or somatic therapies," Dr. Koslowitz explains. "But healing doesn’t only happen in therapy. It happens in the moments when you pause, choose a different response, repair after rupture, or extend compassion to your inner child."And if you're now a parent who still needs to heal from your childhood wounds while raising your own children, she wants to emphasize: "Your inner child can’t raise a child—but parenting your child can heal your inner child. Parenting should be healing, not triggering. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present. Over and over again."

Related: 7 Habits of a 'Deeply Feeling' Child or Grandchild, According to Dr. Becky Kennedy

Source:

Leibel Schwartz Photography Dr. Robyn Koslowitz, licensed school psychologist, licensed clinical psychologist, educational director of the Targeted Parenting Institute and author of Post-Traumatic Parenting: Break the Cycle and Become the Parent You Always Wanted To Be

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