Have you heard the one about the sleepover where a couple of Year 6 boys climbed out a bedroom window and hopped on a night bus across London? Or the sleepover birthday party where 10-year-olds kept chatting until 3am but by then the host mum had fallen asleep on the landing? Similar tales abound in most neighbourhoods. I always feel for the children who are taken home in their pyjamas at 11pm after a sudden pang of homesickness.
It’s no wonder that most parents steel themselves before hosting a sleepover. But might these all-nighters – formerly a rite of passage in childhood – be fading out? Kate Pattison, former teacher and founder of AlphaBites, a podcast and Substack about Gen Alpha (those currently aged between one and 16), asked parents what they thought of sleepovers. Some 83 per cent said they didn’t like them at all, while 17 per cent did like them – as long as they were hosting.
Pattison herself, whose 10 and seven-year-old are both sleepover fans, believes less is more since hosting seven children for her daughter’s 10th birthday: “They started to go to sleep at midnight and some were still awake at 2am. I had to get really cross. I won’t do a big group again.”
My children started talking about sleepovers from the age of three, thanks to Peppa Pig, but they’ve remained a much smaller part of my children’s life than they were in my childhood. My daughter Astrid, nine, has had a handful of sleepovers while my son Xavi, seven, is yet to have a friend overnight.
For Tejal Patel’s family, who live in north Harrow, sleepovers are a firm no, much to her 14-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son’s dismay. Patel, who works as a coach for peri-menopausal women, says many women she’s coached have talked to her about sexual abuse at sleepovers.
“I have one chance to raise my children safely,” she says. “If something goes wrong, I can’t turn back time and therapy isn’t a fix-all. I want to control the controllable. Abuse happens frequently inside and outside my Indian culture, where it’s traditional for us to have our doors open for people to stay. And it’s shocking. My children feel they are missing out, but once my daughter told me she understands the reasons why. My son thinks [my ban on sleepovers] is silly; he thinks he’s protected because he’s a boy. He said: ‘That kind of thing doesn’t just happen at night, does it?’ which is a good point but I explained that is when people are at their most vulnerable.”
Sleep consultant Rosey Davidson, who has a 13, 10 and five-year-old, also doesn’t let her children have sleepovers. “I’m a paediatric sleep consultant and know how important sleep is for our bodies. Children don’t sleep at sleepovers and I don’t want that for my children. My son is autistic and he needs quiet to sleep,” she says. “The other thing is safeguarding: I don’t know what happens in other homes, they might have different access online to iPads and iPhones and be able to access porn, or even violent video games or horror films that aren’t age appropriate.”
For mum-of-three Rosey Davidson sleepovers are a no-go for safeguarding and sleep issuesBut she doesn’t want to be a killjoy, so has come up with a middle-ground. “They have late-overs, where they stay late at someone else’s house, do pyjamas, films and food, and I’ll pick them up at 10pm. I think many parents are more aware of dangers than in the 90s when we’d get a video from Blockbuster and eat pizza at sleepovers.”
Victoria Seed, a safeguarding specialist from Manchester who works in parent family addiction and mother of two children, 13 and 10, agrees fewer families have sleepovers because of safeguarding. “My husband and I were anti-sleepovers until our daughter turned about eight. Then we saw the pros in having sleepovers for friendship and independence. We knew primary school parents very well and we spoke to our children about their bodies and boundaries. Parents often don’t know if their children are ready until they’ve tried it,” she says.
She’s learnt from experience to turn down requests for big sleepovers. “For my daughter’s 10th, we had a tent party in the garden. I don’t know what I was thinking. As soon as they heard one noise outside they were all crying and shrieking in the garden and had to camp out in the lounge,” she remembers.
Now her daughter is 13, hosting sleepovers is easier: she pulls down a projector screen for them to watch films and sleep in their living room. But she won’t let her daughter plan sleepovers without her involvement. “I need to have communication with parents, that’s a line in the sand, even if she might think she can arrange it herself,” she explains. “Our children’s phones usually go off at 7pm so I explain to other parents that my children aren’t usually allowed phones in bedrooms but we want them to be able to contact us. If something doesn’t feel comfortable I make an excuse.”
For many parents, navigating different rules in different homes can provide a layer of anxiety. Psychotherapist Anna Mathur says that children recognise different boundaries in different contexts, such as at home, school, grandma’s house. “Some rules are about personal tastes, such as bedtime, snacks and screentime, while others are about safety or values, such as supervision, online access, whether older teens are drinking, for example. We might choose flexibility around ‘personal tastes’, but ask about the second type of ‘boundaries’ more intentionally. When your child goes somewhere else, it’s reasonable to share your non-negotiables. Do it briefly without apology, saying: ‘We don’t do 15-rated films yet’ or ’She’s not allowed her phone overnight’. Most parents are happy to know what your boundaries are so that they have clarity and keep consistency.”
Genevieve Roberts, second from the right, at a sleepover as a childShe recommends speaking to parents. “It’s helpful to know the family, know who will be in the house overnight and make sure you have a phone number,” she says. “When hosting, tell other parents the plan, ask about allergies and night fears. Give the child a quick tour so they know where you’re sleeping and where the toilet is. If someone is homesick, comfort them first and then call the parent if they still want to go home. Don’t talk them into staying as it can put them off the next time.”
For neurodivergent children, deciding whether to go on a sleepover can feel like a big question. “They might feel the pull without being able to picture what it will feel like,” she says. “Explain who’ll be there, where they’ll sleep, what they’ll eat and do, and what happens if they can’t sleep or want to go home. Ask which parts of the sleepover feel exciting, and which feel worrying. This often gives a more authentic answer than a ‘yes’ that’s driven by wanting to feel included – or a ’no’ that comes from that fear of the unknown.” Bringing their own pillow, sleeping bag and having a pre-agreed signal or text that means ‘come and get me’ can all feel supportive.
She also recommends late-overs. “A child can like to be invited, while not liking the idea of sleeping somewhere else, and it’s nice to notice and accommodate that.”
Most importantly, she says, remember that sleepovers aren’t compulsory. “They can feel like the marker of belonging because they’re talked about at school. But they’re usually a sign of friendship, not the cause of friendship itself. What builds belonging is repeated low-pressure time together – playdates, walks home, shared clubs. If a child goes to a sleepover and has a tough time, it can damage confidence more than skipping it would. Widening the picture of what friendship looks like can be helpful. It’s fine for a family or child to say ‘it’s not my thing’. Plenty of people never did them and have close friendships.”
And if your child does go on a sleepover, make sure they know they can come home at any time. “Often when a child knows they have the freedom to leave, they feel able to stay,” she says.
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