Gathering with friends or grabbing a bite at a coworker’s dinner party are often events to look forward to. On the days we’re just not feeling it, though, it can be a challenge to think of a way to back out without coming off as rude or like you’re making up lame excuses. This can be especially true if you feel like you’ve tried every single reason in the book. At the end of the day, you just don’t want to leave your host with a response that isn’t satisfactory.
Even if your intentions are good, sometimes you really just want to stay home, are exhausted or do something else with your time. However, your biggest feat might be when they try to change your mind to come anyway, says etiquette expert August Abbott.
“This is impolite on their part, but some people either just want bodies in chairs or really like you and will feel bad that you’re not there,” she shares with Parade.
So what is the right way to decline someone’s invite? That depends on where you’re going and what kind of reply you want to give them. Down below are some tips from Abbott on how to properly navigate those situations when you’re stuck on what to do.
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The ‘Polite’ Response That Host Etiquette Experts Hate
After hours—maybe even days—of formulating the right response to decline an invite, you might think your words are the perfect polite pass-up.
Abbott suggests it might not be as unique or clever as you might think.
“We all might think we have a unique, totally feasible excuse out of an invitation we’re not interested in accepting for an event that means little to us, but I can say assuredly these excuses are anything but unique,” she tells Parade.
So what exactly is the seemingly polite response that most hosts will detest? Pretending like you have something else to do that day is up there, she says.
“‘I have something else planned for that day or night and just can’t get out of it,'” is not an invite response that your host will buy, according to the etiquette expert.
A “tried and true” reply, she notes that there are much better ways to go about declining an invite. Just don’t make fake plans that don’t exist—chances are, your host will know what’s up.
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3 Other ‘Polite’ Decline Habits That Actually Offend People
There are many more decline habits that could do some damage, according to Abbott.
Before you consider turning down your next social invite, there are some responses you might want to think twice as hard about first. Some of these are more “polite” than others, but just don’t try any of them.
“I had an accident”
The first one is claiming: “I had an accident.” Regardless of whether that’s you or “your child, spouse or dearest aunt,” Abbott states.
Even if you choose this excuse, she advises not to make it seem like a dire situation. Otherwise, it could backfire.
“Be careful to not make it serious enough to last more than a day or two and certainly no hospitals,” she explains.
Direct declines
Abbott also says direct declines—being straightforward and unabashedly honest about why you’re not coming—can come off as rude, even if it is a true statement. For example, steer clear from rejecting an invite because you don’t like the smell of someone’s pet or don’t like being around kids, if they have any.
These will “likely hurt the host’s feelings and may guarantee you are never even considered for an invitation again,” she explains.
“These excuses are often actually honest, but rarely delivered with tact,” she states.
You don’t like who will be there
Finally, don’t tell the host you’ll skip out because you don’t like the guest list.
“There’s also the ‘Who else is coming?'” notes Abbott. “It applies to who you would hope to find there and those you really don’t want to see there. In either case it’s about socializing, ladder climbing or feeling you should have some control over keeping other people out just because you don’t want to see them.”
The 3-Part Formula for Declining an Invitation Gracefully
The best way to begin declining an invite in a graceful manner? “Good old honesty,” advises Abbott.
Whether you’re just not feeling like going or you’d simply rather not go, she says her favorite way to go about these situations is to “make them a sandwich” (like a compliment sandwich).
Step 1
In your first layer is your “slice of soft white bread,” says Abbott, which is saying something that is sincerely nice.
“For example, you can say ‘You always go all out for your events, parties or gatherings and it impresses me every time,'” she shares.
She advises to be wary of which words you use after this, especially being conscious of the word “but.”
Step 2
Then, add in the meat, and say something like: “I’m not up to going this time and I apologize. I am looking forward to just having some peace and quiet and alone time,” Abbott says (make sure you note if this includes your partner not coming too).
Step 3
Finally, you’ll add that last slice of bread at the end.
The best thing to say might be something like: “I would make something up if it were anyone else asking. You always seem to understand, though, and I can be honest without worrying you’ll try to change my mind,” Abbott suggests.
“At this point all you can do is hope the host actually hears you,” she explains. “If not, go back to the ‘meat’ of the matter and just repeat it.”
Related: 11 Phrases That Make You ‘Instantly Unlikable’ With Strangers, According to an Etiquette Expert
What To Say Instead—Scripts for 4 Common Scenarios
Not sure how to decline an upcoming event? Abbott offers up some great tips for a few common scenarios.
Casual friend/social gathering
You can always place the blame on someone else, says Abbott. Instead of declining outright, let them know you need to help out someone this weekend.
“You didn’t hear this from me,” jokes Abbott, “but here’s where a little exaggeration comes in: ‘I’ve been promising my (pick a relative, child, neighbor, boss, coworker) that I’d (do this or that with them, or for them) and I’ve put it off so much I can’t let them down again.'”
Formal/wedding event
Weddings can be “tricky,” according to Abbott, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find a way out of them.
If you have to travel somewhere far, using that as an excuse can be a good way to get out of the event, she shares. “If travel is involved you can decline because of the time involved in getting there, perhaps having to stay there even for an overnighter and then getting back to your usual life and obligations,” she explains.
You can say, “I won’t be able to make it and I’m really sorry, but I’ll certainly try to make up for it in your gift registry’ or just plain ‘gift.”
Work/professional function
Work or professional events can also be difficult to navigate, because you want people to see you as a team player even outside of the workplace, says Abbott.
She first advises to go and leave early, just to “shake hands, pat shoulders, smile until it hurts and say something nice about each person.”
If going is really not an option though, she says citing “a family thing” is usually a safe bet.
“Then take someone related to you out for ice cream or a coffee,” she advises. “It being a ‘family thing’ is then true!”
When you just need to rest and/or have a low social battery
When you feel like you’ve exhausted all options and don’t know how else to decline, Abbott suggests that flattery is usually the best policy.
“The one and only response you should have in your back pocket for when the pressure is applied for your attendance is to the effect of, ‘You’ve touched my heart and I’m flattered. With this in mind, please understand how I feel about having to miss it,'” she shares.
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