Any Tar Heel born and bred must not pick a former Dookie for their NBA fantasy league team. Full stop.
Don’t misunderstand: I want to win. I’m in a fantasy league with my brother, father, uncle, and my two sons. We don’t play for money, yet bragging rights are priceless.
But two of the league owners are UNC alumni, and two others might like to attend one day when they are old enough. Just think of the moral conundrum of having to cheer for Jason Tatum! We love each other too much to allow that to happen.
That’s why we instituted a covenant among us that no one will draft a former Dookie. Not Pooper Flagg or Kon Knipples or Kooky Kenard. Not Kyrie Earth-Is-Flat Irving. All Boozers are for losers. So are Trent Jr. and Carter Jr. and Moore Jr. We won’t pick Bagley III or Lively II. Neither Tyrus nor Tre Jones. No Jalen Johnson, even though he barely suited up for the Blue Devils before bolting for the draft. No grazie, Paolo Banchero. And no Grayson Allen—God forbid!
Our league rule prevents anyone of sky-blue character from having to stoop to cheering on a former member of the Evil Empire. This means that, regardless of what happens with my fantasy team, I won’t have a vested interest in the number of rebounds Brandon Ingram gets, which Plumlee brother plays for the Los Angeles Clippers, who exactly is Cam Reddish, or whether Zion Williamson can actually stay healthy.
Wait a minute! Can you mandate such a prohibition? Isn’t this America? What about the First Amendment? Mustn’t we oppose the slide into fascism at every step, even if it means drafting someone who played for Scheyer or, even worse, the rat-faced Coach K?!
Chill out. This is a fantasy league—it is by definition not real.
Plus, our nation’s first public university is also its flagship. Click on this link and you’ll see the G.O.A.T. dunking with a patriotic backdrop. And no American “flag” is spelled with two “g”s.
(featured image via UNC)
Andrew Taylor-Troutman is the author of the book with Wipf and Stock Publishers titled This Is the Day: A Year of Observing Unofficial Holidays about Ampersands, Bobbleheads, Buttons, Cousins, Hairball Awareness, Humbugs, Serendipity, Star Wars, Teenagers, Tenderness, Walking to School, Yo-Yos, and More. He lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina where he is a student of joy.
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