Every parent knows the warm, glowing feeling that comes with watching a child succeed. Whether they just scored their first goal on the soccer field, mastered a tricky piano piece or finished a towering LEGO creation, our immediate instinct is to shower them with praise. “I’m so proud of you!” falls off the tongue almost automatically. It is a loving, well-intentioned phrase meant to lift children up and show them that their achievements matter.
However, child psychologists and developmental experts are encouraging parents to pause before blurting out those four familiar words. While it seems harmless—and even supportive—saying “I’m proud of you” can inadvertently shift a child’s focus from their own inner satisfaction to a constant search for external approval. Over time, kids can begin to measure their worth based on whether the adults around them are pleased, rather than developing their own intrinsic motivation and self-worth.
By changing how we frame praise, parents can foster genuine confidence, resilience and a lifelong growth mindset in their children. This is why child psychologists recommend ditching “I’m proud of you” and what you should say instead.
Related: Child Psychologist Says Overpraising Kids Can Backfire—Here’s What To Say Instead
The Hidden Impact of External Praise
When you tell a child “I’m proud of you,” you are placing your emotional response at the center of their achievement. While reassuring in small doses, making this your default compliment teaches children that the ultimate reward for their effort is making you happy.
Psychologists note that this dynamic can create people-pleasing tendencies or anxiety around failure. If a child believes their primary goal is to make their parents proud, a poor test grade or lost game feels like letting down the most important people in their world. Instead of viewing mistakes as natural steps in the learning process, children become overly cautious, avoiding challenges where success isn’t guaranteed.
Shifting away from approval-based language helps kids develop a strong sense of autonomy. When praise highlights their personal agency and internal pride, children learn to rely on their own self-evaluation rather than constantly looking outward for validation.
“It becomes much more effective when it is anchored to an observable effort or behavior so the child understands what you are recognizing,” Dr. Sarah Tannenbaum, PsyD, ABPP, a child and adolescent psychologist, said in a previous article about the best compliments to give children.
Related: We Asked 3 Child Psychologists What Phrase To Avoid With Kids—They All Said the Same Thing
Phrases To Use Instead for Internal Motivation
According to child psychologists, the key to effective compliments is focusing on the child’s effort, process, and internal feelings rather than the final outcome or adult approval.
In a recent analysis on Parade, experts highlighted several powerful alternatives to traditional praise. Dr. Ioana Pal, PsyD—a licensed clinical psychologist at Stramski Children’s Development Center at Miller Children’s & Women’s Hospital—explained that subtle tweaks in phrasing can completely change how a child internalizes success. For example, swapping “I’m proud of you” for “You should feel proud of the work you put into that” makes a world of difference.
“It shifts the emotional reward inward,” she revealed. “The child learns to connect pride to personal effort and self-evaluation instead of external applause.”
Related: Child Psychologist Recommends Using This Phrase When You Know Your Child Is Lying
Other psychologist-approved phrases from the Parade breakdown include:
“I saw you working hard on that.” Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, noted in the same piece that this phrase “is powerful because it focuses on the child’s process rather than just the outcome or final result.” “You stuck with it even when it was hard.” Dr. Tannenbaum shared that this compliment “reinforces perseverance and distress tolerance… It communicates that progress matters, not just perfection, and that sticking with something challenging is worth noticing.”Building on this approach, another Parade guide on growth-mindset praise emphasized validating a child’s internal experience first.
“I can tell you’re proud of yourself, and I’m proud of you too.” Dr. Nicole Lipkin, PsyD, MBA, a psychologist and the founder of HeyKiddo, noted in the piece that this balanced phrase “reinforces their own sense of accomplishment first, then layers in your support. It builds internal motivation instead of making your approval the only prize.”By making these simple shifts in your daily vocabulary, you help guide your children toward building deep, lasting self-confidence that stays with them long after the applause fades.
Adapted from Parade’s “We Asked 3 Child Psychologists What Compliment Is Best for Kids—They All Said the Same Thing” by Beth Ann Mayer and “Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Give These 10 ‘Growth Mindset’ Compliments to Kids” by Ashley Broadwater
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Sources:
Dr. Sarah Tannenbaum, PsyD, ABPP, is a child and adolescent psychologist as well as the Senior Director of Outpatient Clinical Services at The Baker Center for Children and Families. Dr. Ioana Pal, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist at Stramski Children’s Development Center at Miller Children’s & Women’s Hospital. Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist. Dr. Nicole Lipkin, PsyD, MBA, is a psychologist and the founder of HeyKiddo,Hence then, the article about why child psychologists say you should stop telling kids i m proud of you was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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