We often think of grandparents as the ones who hand out butterscotch and let us stay up a little past bedtime to watch Wheel of Fortune. However, psychologists agree that the role of grandparents in child development is vitally important—and underrated.“Grandparents offer unconditional love and support without the added stress or pressure of parenting decisions,” explains Dr. Elizabeth Solomon Loyola, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist and the owner of Child Psychology Center, Inc. “They are typically at a stage in life where they can truly enjoy the time with their grandchildren without managing many of life’s other responsibilities.”Dr. Loyola tells Parade that grandparents serve as a sounding board and can instill important values in their grandchildren. Intergenerational relationships can also provide an antidote to today’s always-on, fast-paced life.“Children learn how to connect with people of different ages and abilities when they spend time with their grandparents,” she adds. “It can teach them how to be more patient, how to slow down and how to interact with people of different ages.”
She insists there’s no official manual for “how to be a good grandparent,” nor is there a single definition of what “good grandparent” even means. But genuine connection is key.“An involved, emotionally available grandparent is so important for a child’s development,” the psychologist explains. “It is also a good idea to understand how to be a good grandparent because being connected to children is helpful for the grandparent to keep them socially engaged, increase physical activity and support healthy aging.”Child psychologists say that we often overthink grandparent-grandchild relationships, though. To help simplify things, they share what grandkids need from grandparents the most. Plus, get expert advice for grandparents who live long-distance. Related: We Asked 3 Psychologists the Best Board Game for Families, and They All Said the Same Classic
The Unanimous Answer: Undivided Attention Without the Pressure To ‘Parent’
According to three child psychologists, spending quality time with grandchildren is what grandkids need from grandparents.
They explain that it taps into what’s known as “unconditional positive regard” in psychology—the idea that a grandparent loves the grandchild without strings. Unconditional positive regard helps build emotional resilience in children.
Related: We Asked 3 Child Psychologists for the Best Question To Ask Kids at the Dinner Table, and They All Said the Same Thing
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The Psychology: Why This Builds Unshakable Emotional Resilience
By harnessing unconditional positive regard psychology, spending undivided quality time with grandkids helps build emotional resilience in children.Now, to be clear, no one has unwavering emotional resilience.“No child is unshakable, and that isn’t really the goal,” says Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, a registered psychologist who is also the clinic owner and co-founder of Cradles to Couples. “Emotional resilience is a child’s ability to cope with stress, disappointment, mistakes, conflict or change and eventually recover. It doesn’t mean they don’t get sad or frustrated.”
Instead, Slavens says children with emotional resilience can experience something hard without it completely defining or consuming them. Speaking of all-consuming, these days we can become mentally swallowed by our devices. So, while spending “undivided quality time with grandchildren” sounds obvious, it’s pretty challenging. Grandparents who genuinely put down the phone, slow down, listen (even if the child tells a long story) and enter their world for a bit play a powerful role in child development.“Responsive, back-and-forth interactions with caring adults help build children’s social, emotional and cognitive development,” states Dr. Ioana Pal, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist at Stramski Children’s Development Center at Miller Children’s & Women’s Hospital in Long Beach, CA. “Researchers describe these interactions as ‘serve and return.’ The child communicates, the adult responds, and the relationship becomes a place for learning and emotional regulation.”
These interactive responses help a child feel seen, especially when they come without correcting, teaching or comparing, but through genuine listening and learning. It serves as a springboard for building emotional resilience in children.“When a grandparent spends time with a child without constantly correcting, teaching, rushing or managing them, the child gets this experience of, ‘You like being with me just because I’m me,'” Slavens tells Parade.Again, this experience is what’s known as unconditional positive regard in psychology.“Unconditional positive regard means that you care for someone and have positive feelings towards them regardless of the things they do,” Dr. Loyola shares. “It means that you accept someone no matter what they say, do or feel. Undivided attention is a way to show unconditional positive regard.”She agrees that undivided quality time with grandchildren lets the child know, “You’re the important thing in this moment, and you have my full attention.”Related: 9 Things ‘Slow-Living’ Grandparents Do Differently, According to Child Psychologists
The Golden Rule of Grandparenting: Support the Parents, Don’t Undermine Them
While intergenerational bonding benefits child development, psychologists agree that grandparent boundaries with parents are critical to preserving these relationships.“One of the healthiest gifts grandparents can give grandchildren is supporting their parents,” Dr. Pal says. “Children feel safer when the important adults in their lives are not competing for authority and respect. Grandparents can disagree privately with their adult children while maintaining a united message in front of the child.”She suggests saying something like, “Your mom and dad have made that rule, and we’re going to respect it.”
Slavens agrees that children shouldn’t have to choose between the adults who love them. Stability is also what grandkids need from grandparents. “When adults undermine each other in front of a child, it can create confusion and sometimes put the child in the middle,” she warns.That said, Slavens clarifies that there’s nothing wrong with grandparents having special traditions or slightly different rules than the parents.
“Kids are very capable of understanding that ‘Grandma does things a little differently,'” she explains. “The problem is when those differences become a competition with the parents.”She says child safety is an exception to grandparent boundaries with parents.“If a grandparent genuinely believes a child is being abused, neglected or placed in serious danger, then they need to do what they need to protect the child,” she adds.Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What They Wish More Grandparents Would Stop Doing—They All Said the Same Thing
Simple Ways To Offer ‘Undivided Attention’ at Any Age
What qualifies as “quality time with grandchildren” will likely change as the child ages. Below, get a child psychologist’s advice for grandparents on how to play a valuable role at every age and stage.
Toddlers/young kids
Here’s a permission slip from a child psychologist to keep it simple.“At this age, kids usually don’t need elaborate activities,” Slavens explains. “They need someone willing to enter their world.”
Some of her favorite ways to connect with younger kids include:
Getting on the floor and letting the child lead the play Reading their favorite book over and over Going for a walk and letting the child stop to look at every rock and bug Baking something simple Doing puzzles Coloring Playing pretend Building blocks Blowing bubbles Having a little dance party“Toddlers and preschoolers spend a lot of their day being rushed from one thing to another,” she states. “When they have an adult who has time to watch them, follow their lead at their pace, and be curious about what they’re doing, it can feel very special.”
School-aged kids
Slavens says kids ages 6 to 12 feel “seen” when a beloved adult shows interest in what they care about. Grandparents can take this step by:
Playing a board game Shooting hoops Baking Crafting Going fishing Playing with LEGO bricks or sets Learning about Pokémon Playing a video game together Going for ice cream Working on a projectSlavens shares that this age is also great for starting family traditions, like Saturday pancakes, a monthly movie night, a special card game or going to the library together.“The activity matters less than the feeling of, ‘This is something Grandma or Grandpa and I do together,'” she states.Finally, the psychologist notes it’s great to ask kids questions besides “How was school?” And ask questions that aren’t only about school. Instead, she suggests asking school-aged children:
What made them laugh this week Who they like sitting beside What they’re obsessed with right now What their favorite game at recess isTeenagers
Slavens admits teenagers are tricky.
“They often want connection without wanting to feel like they’re being pulled into a conversation,” she says. “A drive, coffee, cooking together or watching something they like can sometimes work better than sitting them down and asking a bunch of questions. You’re still showing them, ‘I like being with you,’ without pressuring them to talk.”
Don’t panic if they still don’t talk much.
“Sometimes grandparents make the mistake of thinking, ‘They don’t want anything to do with me anymore,'” she shares. “Usually that isn’t true. Teenagers are naturally becoming more independent. The relationship may just need to change.”
Related: The #1 Habit of Highly Respected Grandparents, According to a Family Psychologist
What To Do if You Are a Long-Distance Grandparent
Spending quality time with grandchildren can feel harder from afar, but child psychologists have good news.
“Physical distance does not have to mean emotional distance,” Dr. Pal states. “Consistency matters more than frequency.”
Unsure how to be a good grandparent from a distance? She says planning and creating rituals helps. You might try:
A weekly video call Reading the same book together from different homes and talking about what you like and dislike Sending handwritten cards (yes, you can still do this) or little packages Celebrating birthdays and milestones together virtually Sharing family photographs and stories Recording yourself telling family stories Having a “special” phrase, joke or tradition that belongs to the two of you Asking about their interests and remembering the details the next time you talkSlavens agrees that the goal isn’t “constant contact.”
“The goal is to create the feeling that even from far away, this person knows me, remembers what matters to me and is interested in my life,” she says.
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Related: We Asked 3 Child Psychologists What Hobby Is Best for Grandparents and Grandkids—They All Said the Same Thing
Sources:
Dr. Elizabeth Solomon Loyola, Psy.D., is the owner and a licensed psychologist at Child Psychology Center, Inc. Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, is a registered psychologist and the clinic owner and co-founder of Cradles to Couples. Dr. Ioana Pal, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist at Stramski Children’s Development Center at Miller Children’s & Women’s Hospital in Long Beach, CA. A Guide to Serve & Return. Harvard University.Hence then, the article about we asked 3 child psychologists the one thing grandkids need most from their grandparents they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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