We all have emotions—and in many cases, it’s healthy to express those feelings. However, there are mature ways to share them and immature ways to share them.
Emotionally mature people can effectively observe, understand, regulate and express their feelings to a degree appropriate for their age. When two adults are emotionally mature, it helps make discussing a conflict much calmer and more fair.
Conversely, emotionally immature people struggle to do those aforementioned things as well as properly express their emotions. When this type of person is involved in a conflict, they are often quick to yell, act defensive or verbally attack the other person. In other cases, they may even go quiet or walk away.
With that said, are there ways to shut down an emotionally stunted person’s behavior? To find out, we spoke with Dr. Sal Raichbach, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and the Chief Clinical Officer for Haven Health Management.
When it comes to people who are underdeveloped in this way, “conflict can exceed an individual’s ability to process discomfort and regulate emotions while remaining reflective,” Dr. Raichbach tells Parade.
Ahead, he shares the one phrase that can instantly shut down an emotionally immature person’s behavior, as well as four phrases not to use with these individuals.
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Psychologist Says This Phrase Can Instantly Shut Down Someone’s Emotionally Immature Behavior
When someone is acting emotionally immature, Dr. Raichbach suggests shutting down their behavior by saying: “I can clearly see this is extremely upsetting. I am open to discussing this further, and I expect us to do this respectfully without insults or yelling.”
Why can this phrase shut down an emotionally immature person?
According to Dr. Raichbach, this phrase is so effective because “it communicates two concepts simultaneously: ‘You are not being dismissed,’ and ‘We have boundaries as to how we interact with each other.'”
Specifically, the first part of this phrase works because it validates the emotionally immature person’s feelings.
“Validation works in part by removing one of the most powerful triggers for escalating an argument: the individual’s belief that they need to validate/defend their feelings,” he explains. “When a person says, ‘I can see this is extremely upsetting,’ [the other person] may feel less pressure to prove their feelings are valid, which gives them enough emotional breathing room to get back to the core issues.”
The psychologist adds: “Since few of us naturally respond to another’s anger with a validating response in a conflict situation (because we typically either disagree with their interpretation, explain why we did what we did or tell them to calm down), it appears as though acknowledging someone’s feelings validates everything they said.”
The second part of the phrase works “because it sets boundaries around how others’ feelings will be validated,” he explains.
“From a clinical standpoint, there is a significant difference between validating someone’s feelings and agreeing with their account of events,” he shares. “Together, acknowledging a person’s feelings and maintaining firm boundaries makes de-escalating conflicts more possible.”
Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say
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4 Phrases You Should Never Use With Someone Who’s Acting Emotionally Immature, According to a Psychologist
1. “You’re overreacting”
Although telling someone they’re overreacting is likely “an attempt to provide perspective, when said by another person,” it is “typically perceived as ‘your feelings are invalid,'” explains Dr. Raichbach.
“For someone already having difficulty regulating a strong emotion, adding shame or anger to those feelings will likely cause further escalation,” he adds. “Once an individual perceives judgment, the conversation typically shifts from discussing the original issue/problem to defending their right to experience their emotions.”
Telling someone whose emotions are heightened that they are overreacting can often lead to the individual becoming sarcastic, counterattacking or ending the conversation.
“Rarely will attempting to force an individual to exit their emotional reaction teach them a better way to regulate it,” he says.
If you view your conversation partner’s reaction as an overreaction, the phrase Dr. Raichbach shared above is a good way to respond.
2. “Calm down”
“Telling an individual to ‘calm down’ often positions the emotion itself as the source of the problem,” explains Dr. Raichbach. “If the individual already feels misunderstood, telling them to ‘calm down’ can create another source of resistance.”
If the person reacting emotionally is extremely unsettled and truly does need to calm down, Dr. Raichbach suggests saying something like: “Slow down, let’s get through this one step at a time. I want to listen to you, but my ability to do so is enhanced if we move at a slower pace.”
Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
3. “You’re too sensitive”
“Identifying an individual’s reaction as an indication of sensitivity can create shame or defensiveness rather than promote reflection,” says Dr. Raichbach. “The identified reaction doesn’t address the specific interaction that prompted it.”
If the emotionally immature person is more sensitive to the conflict than you were expecting, he recommends saying something along the lines of: “I did not intend for that to happen as it did. I understand it had a significant impact on you. Can you tell me what aspect had the greatest effect?”
4. “This is ridiculous”
Even if you believe a conflict is ridiculous, the person you’re speaking with might see things much more seriously—and Dr. Raichbach believes that calling it out as such can only escalate the problem.
“The above phrase conveys contempt, and contempt is known to quickly terminate curiosity,” he says. “Even if you are in complete disagreement with an individual’s interpretation, immediately dismissing it provides that individual with little incentive to remain involved.”
Instead, you can say: “I view this in a different light. Please tell me what is most important to you in this matter, and then I’ll describe how I view it.”
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Dr. Sal Raichbach, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist and the Chief Clinical Officer for Haven Health Management.Hence then, the article about psychologist says the 1 phrase that instantly shuts down an emotionally immature person isn t what you might think was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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