We’ve all been there: when you get into it with someone, and they’re yelling at you, or getting really worked up over whatever it is you’re arguing about. And then you decide that the best thing to say, in that moment, is, “Calm down.” Bad move, especially if this is someone you know or want to continue having a relationship with and especially when tensions are high. Because those two little words are sure as heck going to make the receiver of the phrase get even angrier, not calm down.
But what should you say instead? Well, for starters, if you do actually want the other person to chill out, don’t say “calm down.” It’s always good to remind yourself that words have power and it’s very important what we choose to say to others, and what we keep to ourselves.
“Understanding the impact of language on relationships is fundamental,” Dr. Catherine Nobile, PsyD—a psychologist, as well as the founder and Director of Nobile Psychology in New York—told Parade previously. “Words shape perceptions and emotions, which in turn influence the way people process information.”
It can be tough to figure out the best course of action, communication-wise, though. The only way to have a productive conversation is if you’re both level-headed, so how do you achieve that without being rude and dismissive? How do you choose the right words?
Well, psychologists do have one phrase they recommend using instead of “calm down,” and it’s actually really empathetic. Read on to find out more, plus how to prevent yourself from saying those two words when, against your better judgment, you really want to.
Related: Use This Phrase When You Need a ‘Healthy Way To Agree To Disagree,’ Psychologist Says
Use This Phrase Instead of ‘Calm Down,’ Especially When Tensions Are High
In a past article about phrases that can make you “instantly unlikable,” psychologists shared that the best phrase to replace “calm down” with is: “I understand this is upsetting. Let’s figure out how to handle it.”
“This phrase can be troubling because it can seem to have the opposite effect, invalidating their emotions and escalating tension,” shared Dr. Joel Frank, PsyD, a psychologist and founder of Duality Psychological Services, about telling someone to “calm down.”
And that’s why he recommends telling that person, “I understand this is upsetting. Let’s figure out how to handle it,” instead. It shows the other person you have empathy for them and their feelings, and that you want to find a more civil way to move forward while in the midst of an argument. It also validates their intense feelings, whether that’s being upset, frustrated, depressed or angry.
Related: These 7 ‘Bad’ Habits Actually Signal High Empathy, Psychologist Says
How To Stop Yourself From Telling Someone To ‘Calm Down’
Even though you have something to replace that two-word phrase with now, using it is easier said than done. As we mentioned before, you and the other person you’re arguing with are most likely both upset. Tensions are very high, and you’re both frustrated. It might feel good to tell them off or dismiss them with a quick, “Calm down.” However, if you don’t want to escalate the conflict at hand and keep your relationship intact, you’ll want to use “I understand this is upsetting. Let’s figure out how to handle it.”
So what do you do so that the devil on your shoulder doesn’t win this time?
“Taking a moment to think before you speak helps prevent impulsive comments that might be inappropriate or hurtful,” Dr. Frank explained at the time. “Practice taking three slow breaths before responding.”
Related: Classy People Often Use This Technique in Conversations, Etiquette Expert Explains
You’ve most likely heard to count to 10, or blow out some pretend birthday candles, all to help emotionally regulate yourself. But it’s not some gimmick; it really helps slow your heart down and clear your head. It’s OK if you need a longer pause too.
In addition to taking a beat, Dr. Nobile told Parade that you should also ask yourself a thought-provoking question: “Is what I’m about to say constructive or necessary?”
If you were going to tell that person to calm down, then the answer would be no, and you should keep that to yourself.
Again, this is all hard right out the gate. With practice and time, you’ll improve more and more. And hopefully your interpersonal skills flourish because of it as well.
Up Next:
Related: Psychiatrist Says the 1 Phrase That Instantly Shuts Down a Dismissive Person Isn’t What You Might Think
Sources:
Dr. Catherine Nobile, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist as well as the founder and Director of Nobile Psychology in New York. Dr. Joel Frank, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist and the founder of Duality Psychological Services.Hence then, the article about stop telling people to calm down and say this instead psychologists explain was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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