Having a child open up to you about their day at school is a wonderful thing—not only does it inform you how things are going for your child or grandchild, but it also shows that they trust you and feels comfortable sharing with you.
That said, if you find it difficult to connect with your kids at the end of the day, it may be because of the questions you’re asking.
According to child psychologists, some questions are much more effective than others in getting kids to open up. In fact, there’s one question that child psychologists wish parents, grandparents and caregivers would avoid asking their kids at the end of the day—and it’s a question you’re probably guilty of asking all the time.
To learn more, we spoke with Dr. Carolyn Spiro, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist working with children, teens and adults in private practice in New York, and Dr. Elizabeth Solomon Loyola, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and the founder and owner of the Child Psychology Center in California.
Curious to learn about the question you should stop asking your kids, as well as better questions to ask instead, all from child psychologists? Keep reading!
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Child Psychologists Suggest Parents and Grandparents Stop Asking Kids This Question
The question that Dr. Spiro and Dr. Loyola think caregivers should stop asking children is a simple one: “How was your day?”
What’s wrong with asking kids ‘How was your day?’
“While there is nothing inherently wrong or ‘bad’ about asking ‘How was your day?’, most parents and grandparents would probably agree that this question is not very effective at getting kids to talk,” Dr. Spiro tells Parade.
“‘How was your day?’ often leads to one-word or short responses, with kids answering along the lines of ‘good’ or ‘fine’ or ‘I don’t know,'” she continues. “If the goal is to get our kids to share more, there are more effective strategies parents/grandparents can use.”
Dr. Loyola feels similarly, explaining that children, especially young children, “don’t really know how to answer it or what information to share. Oftentimes, they just say ‘good’ or ‘I don’t know’ as a result, and then parents or grandparents don’t actually hear much about what’s going on.”
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Ask Kids These 3 Questions Instead of ‘How Was Your Day?’
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1. “What was a highlight and lowlight from your day?”
“Some kids respond better to more open questions that offer a bit of guidance,” explains Dr. Loyola. “This helps them think about something that went well and something that was difficult. While it’s not overly specific, it’s still more specific than ‘How was your day?’ and is more likely to produce a response.”
She adds that alternatives to the highlight/lowlight phrasing could be: a rose and a thorn, the best and the worst part of your day, a good and not-so-good thing about your day, etc.
2. “Who did you play with today?” or “What did you play?”
“Questions like this help give caregivers a picture of a child’s social life at school,” Dr. Loyola shares. “Understanding who your child is friends with and what they do together can be so helpful. If they respond by saying they played with no one several times, that could be worth following up with the teacher about.”
3. “What was something you learned today?”
Dr. Loyola suggests asking kids to share something they learned today, and then following it up by asking if they found it interesting or challenging to learn about.
“This helps the caregiver gain insight into what the child is learning about and how the experience of learning is for them,” she says. “If you have a child who doesn’t want to talk about these things, you can be more specific and ask about whether they went to the library, did they have PE, etc. This can also be helpful in allowing you to follow up on things they’re learning about.”
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4 Expert-Backed Tips for Encouraging Your Kids To Open Up
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1. Figure out the best timing for your kid
“Timing is so important!” says Dr. Spiro.
“When your child first gets home from school or camp, he or she may be tired, hungry or cranky from a long day,” she explains. “Kids have so many demands placed on them at school that being asked a question as soon as they walk through the door can feel overwhelming. Most kids benefit from having some time to decompress when they get home. After they have had some time to rest and had a snack, they will be in a better position to share.”
Dr. Loyola agrees, suggesting you “try to ask about their day at different times. Some children are most eager to tell you about things right at pickup while others need time to unwind and can then share about it at dinner. Paying attention to your child’s cues [is] huge in figuring out ways to help them open up.”
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2. Try to connect with your kids during playtime
“It can also be helpful to take some time to reconnect and have fun with your child after a long day of school,” advises Dr. Spiro. “For example, join in with them while they are building with LEGOs, or sit next to them at the table while they are drawing and start drawing too. Kids tend to feel more comfortable talking during play, as the context allows for more natural and spontaneous communication.”
3. Validate your kids when they share with you
“Responding to your child’s responses with validation… can also help them to feel safe and understood, which may lead to them sharing more,” says Dr. Spiro.
Validating responses communicate back to them what they might be feeling, such as, “I can see why that felt hard.”
4. Share something about your own day
“It can also be helpful for parents/grandparents to model sharing about their own days—both the good and the hard parts,” Dr. Spiro notes.
“A parent may say something like, ‘I was so frustrated today when I got stuck in traffic and was late to work. I wonder if anything happened at school that made you feel frustrated today?'” she explains. “This can encourage kids to share their own experiences, and models how they can effectively identify and express their own emotions.”
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Sources:
Dr. Carolyn Spiro, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist. Dr. Elizabeth Solomon Loyola, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist, as well as the founder and owner of the Child Psychology Center.Hence then, the article about child psychologists are begging parents and grandparents to stop asking kids this question and what to ask instead was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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