As a partner in a romantic relationship, you may aim to be honest, kind and loyal. You might also prioritize intelligence, humor and cooperation. Yet another important value we can’t forget about in this conversation—for the sake of our relationships and their longevity, psychologists say—is appreciation.
You might see yourself as an appreciative person, and that’s great. Maybe you’re consistent with your “thank you” responses and regularly give your partner affirmations. But what an “appreciative partner” looks like, according to psychologists, isn’t always so clear-cut.
For example, do you say “thank you” every time your partner completes a basic house chore—and do you need to? Are those two words even enough? Plus, what does relationship appreciation look like in long-term relationships when you both have chore routines? Should you express gratitude when you don’t feel it or think it’s necessary?
See? This topic is complex—and some of the experts’ responses may surprise you.
Ahead, psychologists answer those questions, share the one phrase appreciative partners avoid (warning: you might have said it, or at least thought it!) and explain how it destroys relationship gratitude. They also detail how the division of labor between long-term couples affects appreciation, list other phrases emotionally intelligent partners do and don’t use and provide answers to frequently asked questions.
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The One Phrase Appreciative Partners Avoid: ‘That’s Just Your Job’
Appreciative partners would never say, “That’s just your job” when their partner does something helpful. As it turns out, that’s for two reasons. Let’s dive into “That’s just your job” relationship psychology.
First, it can hurt the partner it was aimed at, making them feel taken advantage of.
“When we say [this], we’re reducing the time, effort and heart into a partner’s daily actions down to simply an expectation as opposed to an expression of gratitude,” says Dr. Max Doshay, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and the co-founder and CEO of KMN Psych.
Second, it can hurt the relationship’s emotional bond.
“Instead of recognizing our partners’ contributions in a positive light, this statement causes those who provide support on a regular basis to begin seeing their efforts as obligations rather than expressions of love or appreciation,” he continues.
An appreciative partner keeps their partner’s efforts visible. Saying “That’s just your job” sends the opposite message, according to Rod Mitchell, MC, MSc, a registered psychologist and founder of Emotions Therapy Calgary. It doesn’t benefit you, either.
“When we are appreciative toward our partners, we strengthen the sense that a decision was made,” he says. “The person on the receiving end often argues very little. They just simply stop showing up.”
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Why ‘That’s Just Your Job’ Destroys Relationship Gratitude, According to Psychologists
This phrase can also reduce future gratitude.
“Over time, the couple may no longer recognize the daily efforts of one another,” Dr. Doshay says. That can cause increased resentment and decreased motivation to show support.
It’s all about realizing someone can have a “job,” and they chose to do it.
“‘That’s just your job’ turns your partner’s choice into a debt they owed you,” Mitchell explains.
He adds that gratitude isn’t always a feeling; it’s more about intentionally acknowledging your partner’s actions.
The Hidden Trap of Division of Labor in Long-Term Relationships
In relationships, each partner often has a “role” or certain household tasks to complete. You might have assumptions about what’s “yours” to do and what’s “theirs.”
“Most couples don’t formally negotiate how responsibilities will be assigned,” Mitchell says. “Instead, many divisions of labor occur by default… This then hardens into ‘how we do things’ in the relationship.’”
But here’s the thing: Creating that routine establishes a pattern, which makes habits less conscious and completed tasks less recognized. So, Dr. Doshay encourages people to be intentional about gratitude.
“Taking time to express gratitude, even when those actions become repetitive or familiar, will help a couple maintain emotional closeness rather than allow routine to erode their appreciation,” he explains.
Otherwise, it’s easy to get caught in an unhappy thinking trap.
“We remember the one night that the trash didn’t get taken out more clearly than we remember the hundreds of nights it got taken out,” Mitchell adds.
Related: 8 Phrases That Are Simple, Effective Ways To ‘Check In’ With Your Partner
What Appreciative Partners Say Instead—5 Expert-Approved Alternatives
Wondering how to show appreciation in a relationship (when you don’t totally feel it)? Psychologists share examples.
Instead of “You’re supposed to do that anyway,” say this instead: “You didn’t have to do that, and it made my day easier.” Instead of “This is what you signed up for,” say this instead: “You signed up years ago, and you still show up for me.” Instead of “Well, I work all day too,” say this instead: “Thanks for taking that off my plate.” Instead of “Anyone would have done the same,” say this instead: “I noticed the effort you put in, and it means a lot.” Instead of “That’s expected,” say this instead: “I’m grateful I can count on you. Thank you.”4 Other Toxic Phrases That Signal a Lack of Relationship Appreciation
Ahead, psychologists share and explain more unappreciative phrases.
1. “I do everything around here”
While you may feel as though you’re doing all the work, consider if that’s 100 percent true—especially with an absolutist statement like this one—and if it’s helpful.
“It negates your partner’s work rather than encouraging discussion or solutions,” Dr. Doshay says. “A statement that is overly broad (i.e., overwhelming) will limit the couple’s ability to resolve their issues collectively.”
2. “Must be nice”
Ever heard (or said) “It must be nice to have time to XYZ?” That’s another example.
“This is sarcasm disguising itself as acknowledgement,” Mitchell says. “Your partner’s good moment turns into evidence against them.”
3. “What am I thanking you for?”
Hopefully, if you ask for a little appreciation, you’re never hit with this response.
“Instead of viewing gratitude as a gesture of appreciation for all one has done perfectly, view it as an expression of acknowledgement for what he/she does with some level of effort and concern,” Dr. Doshay encourages.
4. “At least I don’t…”
When you’re cleaning up after a partner, and they say something like, “At least I don’t leave my shoes out everywhere,” you might feel hurt.
“This is grading on a curve, where better-than-the-worst becomes the new standard,” Mitchell explains.
Related: Psychologists Warn: These 7 Defensive Phrases Are Red Flags in a Relationship
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Last but not least: Wondering when you don’t “need” to say thank you, or the best gracious phrase in relationships?
Should you say thank you for basic household chores?
According to both psychologists, yes. Wondering why you should thank your partner for chores? It’s because completed chores indicate your partner has taken time out of their day to make your life easier. That’s meaningful.
“Small gestures of gratitude are part of creating an overall positive and healthy emotional atmosphere,” Dr. Doshay says.
He’s found couples that practice this “to be more emotionally connected,” and he says that connection “provides a strong foundation for building resilience into their relationship.”
Mitchell emphasizes the importance of ensuring it’s not generic.
“A generic thank you can quickly fall into background noise,” he shares. “The act of gratitude needs to be about the specific action your partner took and what that action provided you with.”
For example, you might say, “Thank you for putting the kids to bed tonight. I got the twenty minutes I badly needed.”
What’s the single best phrase for relationship longevity?
“I thank you—I value you” is one of the strongest statements, according to Dr. Doshay.
“It acknowledges the action and the individual who performed it, therefore acknowledging that the actions they perform have a purpose,” he explains. “A strong long-term relationship develops as a result of showing appreciation consistently for everyday occurrences, rather than great gestures.”
Also, Mitchell suggests saying, “You didn’t have to do that,” the opposite of “That’s just your job.” It shows that a choice was made and that the routine didn’t make your partner’s efforts disappear.
While you may think cleaning up the kitchen or giving you flowers is your partner’s “job,” don’t forget they actively chose to do it anyway. Improve your relationship’s emotional strength and keep it going with some gratitude.
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Sources:
Dr. Max Doshay, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, as well as the co-founder and CEO of KMN Psych. Rod Mitchell, MC, MSc, is a registered psychologist and founder of Emotions Therapy Calgary.Hence then, the article about you won t hear appreciative partners using this 1 phrase psychologists say was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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