“Morning!” “Lovely day!” “Gosh it’s hot!” “Glad I brought my brolly!” It may have mostly been about the weather, but when I was a child, I remember everyone spoke to one another. Even strangers acknowledged each other – especially when I visited my relatives in Oldham.
Nowadays, without making the first move, I could go all day without making eye contact with a person – let alone getting a smile or a simple ‘hello’. There may well still be a North-South divide but over the past few years there has definitely been a decline in the gentle art of acknowledging your fellow humans.
I first noticed it in my work as a university lecturer, after Covid-19. Students would stare at the ground, no longer open doors for me and grunt back if I offered a jolly greeting.
Then trips to London were met with diverted eyes on the platform and silence on the Tube – and even country walks, when there’s no rush or stress to blame, seemed far less social with people focused on the ground, their dog, straight ahead – in fact anywhere other than me.
Some of this must be due to the impact of lockdowns and social isolation. We were told, after all, to stay clear of others. For people like me, the end of Covid was a time to compensate, get out and chat but those already more socially anxious seemed to get knocked back into themselves.
Screens no doubt play a role too, as all of us, regardless of where we live or what we do, spend so much more time watching the world through a film of glass rather than seeing the reality of it. And with this comes headphones designed to absorb us as we listen to people we don’t know talk or sing with no need for us to talk or sing back. All of us have seen people keep their headphones on, or scroll on their phones even as they pay for something in a shop – meaning they can even avoid making eye contact with the person serving them.
And then there is the fear of strangers. I knew at least two paedophiles when I was a child and the Moors murders were very real for my Northern parents, but I was still encouraged to “be polite” and “say hello” and stranger danger wasn’t really a thing. But now fear seems to have been passed down through the generations and a friendly smile or joke on a bus can be met with a sense that you are a weirdo.
So, the smiles and jokes and chat and even eye contact have stopped which may protect us from actual weirdos but also deprive us of the many benefits those simple interactions bring.
Much has been written about our loneliness epidemic, and plenty of evidence shows that small social interactions do wonders to lift our mood. A friendly conversation with a stranger makes us feel more connected and can help challenge our prejudices or stereotypes, helping us find our similarities rather than just differences with the people around us.
Eye contact can be powerful for our wellbeing. Eye-tracking studies show that eye-to-eye contact can trigger positive emotions and activate the “emotion” and “social” sections of our brains. But it can also speak volumes, often at times when we need it the most. A glance on a hot Tube and a raised eyebrow says, “Gosh yes, it is hot in here”. A look and a smile on a late-night bus says, “I’ve got your back if anything happens” and a friendly nod as you get off the last train home says, “We are here at last’”.
Just acknowledging strangers makes us all less strange – as we recognise that beneath the surface, we are all just people who need to connect. In fact, our brains seem to synchronise when we look directly at each other. And making direct eye contact with another predicts that we are more likely to look again. The more we look the more we want to look.
Eye contact is not just for strangers. It’s also key to managing those who are important to us. Prolonged looks may bring passion and intimacy, and a simple eyebrow raise and a glance can speak what words often can’t. Families can be full of dynamics, power play, favouritism and games which can seem deeply entrenched and impossible to navigate. But a shared look can be all that’s needed to say, “I see you”, “I see this”, “I know how you feel” or “I’m with you, really”. I have so often just wanted a nod, a wink or a look to say “I am your witness and I know what is happening here”. That’s often all it takes.
Watch any wildlife film of our biological relatives or stand in the corner of any café or bar and it is clear that we are social animals who need to communicate and connect. We may have started on a downward spiral due to Covid or screens or fear but it won’t take much to bring it back. Just a look or a smile or a nod and the spiral can change direction again. We all need a witness and if we become someone else’s witness then maybe they can become ours back.
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