Even when you’re feeling your best, it can sometimes be really hard to stay confident. Children are not any different—and in fact, the kids of today have some massive hurdles that are affecting their confidence levels.
Education Week reported in 2023 that young girls alone have faced a massive self-confidence plunge in the years since the COVID-19 pandemic and with the rise of social media, according to a ROX Survey. In fact, that research showed that of almost 17,500 girls in 5th to 12th grades, the percentage of confidence rates dropped from 68 percent to 55 percent.
Even with that information, surely, there must still be a way to ensure your kids grow up with just the right amount of confidence, right? If it sounds like a daunting task to you, it can actually be simple to incorporate small, daily habits into their lives to build that up.
Child psychologist Dr. Jacqueline Shiels says that, sometimes, the best thing you can do as a parent is to narrow your focus in on smaller improvements throughout time, instead of racing to the finish line.
“The most helpful reminder for parents is focus on the journey, not the destination,” she tells Parade. “Let’s build confidence, not perfectionism.”
Ahead, she shares seven daily habits that build confidence in children and are vital to teach kids, along with advice on how to incorporate them.
Related: Parents Who Raise Confident Kids Tend To Avoid These 8 Phrases, According to a Child Psychologist
Why Daily Micro-Habits Build Stronger Confidence Than Big Speeches
It’s no surprise that throwing a bunch of expectations at kids can be a lot. That’s why micro-habits are a lot more effective at helping kids feel confident. According to Dr. Shiels, it allows us to give kids “a sense of mastery earlier on.”
She also compares it to parents, saying that it’s easy for even adults to be overstimulated when we expect way too much of ourselves. In any case—parent or child—we don’t want anyone to shut down.
For kids, you’ll want to introduce habits that are digestible and don’t overwhelm them. This will feel manageable to them, rather than being talked at or constantly lectured.
“Think about us adults, when we are overwhelmed we freeze. If you want to exercise five days a week and you never exercise, that goal is unlikely to be achieved,” she explains. “So micro-habits allow for mini celebrations, which tells the brain, ‘You did it!’ and ‘You can do it again.’ Gets that dopamine juicing.”
For some kids, it can be a lot more meaningful if those small wins are acknowledged, a term referred to in psychology as “extrinsic validation.” That means they can feel a sense of encouragement if praised or recognized. That can look like positive reinforcement from the adult, no matter how big or small the micro-habit performed is.
Dr. Shiels says over time, this will help develop intrinsic self-efficacy, which is the inner drive to complete an expectation without the reward.
“Kids need external motivators to develop intrinsic motivation,” she says. “A 5-year-old is [typically] not going to be motivated to clean their room…”
She suggests offering something in return to the child, for them to eventually be motivated to continue with these micro-habits.
Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What Actually Motivates Kids—They All Said the Same Thing
7 Daily Habits a Child Psychologist Recommends To Build Confident Kids
Here are a few ways you can implement healthy daily habits to ensure higher confidence in your kids, according to Dr. Shiels.
1. Give them agency
Before stepping in, it’s important to step back. According to Dr. Shiels, allowing your kids the space to solve their own problems will let them take control of their own outcomes.
“Think about yourself,” she suggests. “When we struggle a little, we are able to problem-solve a lot better. We also know what skills we already have and where we need help. And it helps us know when to ask for help.”
Related: Occupational Therapists Say Parents and Grandparents Often Help Too Much With This Daily Task
2. Name it to tame it
“Recognizing emotions without avoiding them” is one of the most helpful habits you can bring forth to your child’s life, says Dr. Shiels.
In particular, she reveals that getting kids to “identify and acknowledge” their feelings can be more effective than dismissing or shoving the feeling under the rug.
“For example, saying that you’re disappointed instead of immediately trying to make the feeling go away,” she explains. “If the kiddo is really young, they might tantrum. Parents, stay calm and regulated. They will move through it.”
3. Offer choices
This is a big one. According to Dr. Shiels, allowing children the option of choosing for themselves can make them feel assured with themselves.
“Simple choices help them build a sense of control,” she states.
4. Praise with more specificity
Praising your kids is never a bad idea. But the way in which you praise them matters too. Focus on what is “in their control versus out of their control,” says Dr. Shiels.
“Instead of praising results, praise effort and persistence,” she adds.
She suggests avoiding general phrasing and praising in a way that points out something more precise, sharing, “Avoid saying, ‘Good job’ and say, ‘Well done doing first time listening!'”
Related: Child Psychologists Say These 9 Phrases Are Doing More Harm Than Good—Even if You Mean Well
5. Encourage regulation
In both your child and yourself, making sure you regulate your emotions can help kids learn that mistakes happen—but they don’t have to ruin your day.
“When things go wrong, because they will, kids will understand that mistakes or frustrations are manageable, not avoidable,” says Dr. Shiels.
6. Don’t solve their problems
Let kids come to their own conclusions sometimes, says Dr. Shiels.
“Stop answering questions they know the answer to,” she shares. “Perhaps you ask they retrace their steps for where their shoes are.”
7. Show that you can learn from mistakes
Dr. Shiels says that kids should be taught to “express mistakes out loud.”
This micro-habit allows them to be resilient, but also allows you to turn mistakes into big teaching moments. This then helps them be confident whenever there’s another setback.
“For me, if I forget something, I tell my kids what my plan is to avoid that happening again,” she explains.
Related: 7 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents of ‘Challenging’ Kids To Stop Saying
The Common Parenting Pitfalls That Silently Destroy a Child’s Confidence
Although some pitfalls from parents can harm a child’s confidence, Dr. Shiels stresses that there’s enough shame around the topic, and it’s important to be mindful when approaching this.
Her best advice is to always acknowledge new abilities or strengths that your child has displayed, and showcase that you see the energy they put into tasks.
“Recognize the child’s efforts in trying to develop a new skill,” she shares.
Another example she gives—that she herself is guilty of—is trying to calm your nervous system by ensuring a completely tidy home.
Praise your child for the effort, instead of “seeing a messy room and noticing all the bits that are still untidy,” Dr. Shiels says.
She also suggests something like: “I really like how you organized all your stuffies; although this area still needs work, you are working so hard.”
Related: People Who Were Praised for Being ‘Easy’ as Kids Often Do These 7 Things as Adults, Psychologists Say
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) About Building Confidence in Kids
Still wondering about how to best build up confidence in kids? Consult with some of these FAQ below.
What is the most effective way to build self-esteem in a child?
Focusing on the result of tasks is the most crucial part of your child’s confidence journey, says Dr. Shiels. In fact, it’s helpful not to let your own standards or demands overshadow how you encourage outcomes.
To do this, highlight their efforts instead of what comes out of the task, she advises.
“Develop competence through praising effort, not result[s]. Give your child tasks to complete and don’t allow your own expectations to [dictate] how you judge their result,” she says. “Praise specific behaviors. Praising effort, persistence, problem-solving, kindness and courage helps the child feel seen, which honestly is priceless. Self-esteem and confidence grow when a child doesn’t feel fear for making mistakes.”
What should parents avoid doing when trying to build a child’s confidence?
It can be a challenge, but Dr. Shiels says to not dive into aiding your child immediately when they try new things.
“Try to avoid jumping in to help too quickly,” she states. “[Their] brains have never done this before. Imagine if we were asked to write a paragraph with our non-dominant hand and then the observer criticized our result afterward.”
She also says to prevent yourself from “criticizing a child’s character flaw.”
“Focus on the task. It helps them not internalize their faults and areas of growth,” she shares.
How do you teach a child to handle failure without losing self-esteem?
The easiest way to have children accept failure without feeling bad about themselves is to make it a normal part of life, says Dr. Shiels.
It’s best to explain that failures are a big part of existing, while also validating how they feel. Then, help them move through the challenge.
“Stay with the moment, help them understand that they can manage the difficulty,” she explains. “Another helpful skill is separating the child from the mistake. In therapy, we often separate the issue from the person. For example, with anxiety, we often say, ‘Your anxiety wants to help protect you and you know what you need to do anyway.'”
What are age-appropriate habits for raising independent kids?
For little ones, independence can start somewhere as simple as in the kitchen, in their bedrooms or putting on their own clothes, advises Dr. Shiels.
“That means encouraging [that] they learn how to clean up, first-time listening, choosing outfits and helping with laundry,” she says. “For elementary ages, packing and unpacking backpacks, prepping for sports, water bottles, cleaning up after themselves, bringing dishes to the kitchen and starting to understand conflict resolution without overly helping.”
For slightly older kids, tasks that encourage independence can be rooted in slightly more mature duties.
“For middle school/high school ages, starting to manage their schedule, learning a budget, prepping for dinner and making meals that are safe,” she explains.
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Dr. Jacqueline Shiels is a child psychologist.Hence then, the article about child psychologist is begging parents to teach kids these 7 daily habits was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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