It’s a beautiful thing when parents and grandparents want to support their children and grandchildren as much as possible. They might buy the kids a special meal, comfort them when they're crying or talk to their teacher when they're struggling in school. Plus, let’s be honest: Sometimes, helping them is the logistically smart thing to do (for both of your sakes). Maybe the child isn’t able to do something, takes a long time to do it or struggles with the confidence to do so.
Those are real, valid experiences you might be familiar with—but can always stepping in to help actually hurt their development?
Over time, kids need their parents and grandparents less (or in different ways). If that’s hard for you to read, that’s fair. Letting go of the comfort that comes with helping kids and supporting their independence can be two emotional experiences.
At the same time, helping too much, and/or for too long, is real, occupational therapists warn. It can lead to various consequences, such as learned helplessness in children, low confidence and self-esteem, motor delays and more.
Ahead, occupational therapists share a particular daily task they want you to stop helping kids with and why, an age-by-age guide on what kids should be doing independently (and when), along with additional tips.
Related: The #1 Mistake Parents and Grandparents Should Avoid Making With Their Kids, According to a Psychologist
Pediatric occupational therapists want parents to stop dressing their kids—but to be clear, not cold turkey. If you’re wondering “What age should a child get dressed alone?” it’s not super soon, but it’s also not as late as you might think.
“I encourage families to gradually give children more opportunities to participate in dressing as they're developmentally ready,” says Sydney Bennett, MS, OTR/L, a pediatric occupational therapist and co-founder of BabyFIT Providers.
This is based on a more general understanding among occupational therapists.
“One of the hallmark phrases in occupational therapy is that we help someone more when we help them less,” shares Dr. Beverly H. Moskowitz, DOT, MS, OTR/L, FAOTA, pediatric occupational therapist and CEO of Real OT Solutions. “In other words, letting kids stumble, fall, scrape themselves off and start again is a significantly better learning experience than when adults plan, problem-solve and execute the task for them.”
The Developmental Cost: Motor Planning and ‘Learned Helplessness’
Dressing yourself is an important life skill, but it’s also more than that for kids.
“It’s an everyday opportunity to develop skills such as motor planning, coordination, balance, body awareness, bilateral coordination, fine motor skills, visual perception, sequencing, cognition, sensory processing and independence,” Bennett says.
Motor planning is our brain’s ability to plan, organize and execute a movement. Dressing helps with that in various ways—from determining how clothing should be oriented, coordinating both sides of the body, adjusting movements and more.
“Regarding motor planning skills, first allow them to fumble and experiment,” Dr. Moskowitz advises. “Figuring out a new motor skill, like fastenings, right-side-outing a shirt or donning pants, is a complex interplay of motor, sensory, cognitive and perceptual skills.”
After a child practices this, she encourages you to acknowledge their efforts.
“Even if they are not properly matched, oriented or sequenced, [this] promotes feelings of completion and confidence,” she explains.
By dressing your child too much or for too long, you’re taking away that learning opportunity, leading to a long-term concern.
“This pattern can contribute to learned helplessness, where children become less likely to try challenging tasks because they don’t yet believe they're capable of succeeding,” Bennett states.
You can offer support when needed, of course, but allow them to participate as much as possible.
Related: Parents and Grandparents Who Raise Independent Kids Often Do These 6 Things, According to a Child Psychologist
Kids can do more and more as they get older, and it’s helpful to be aware of what those specific things are. So, occupational therapists provide guidelines on what kids in different age groups “should” be able to do independently.
The guide can also help if you’re wondering how to teach kids to put on coats and shoes, as it provides steps and explains “the Montessori coat flip trick.”
Just one quick clarification: Bennett doesn’t want you to forget that these guidelines are general; every child develops at their own pace. Primarily, she encourages families to think about gradually increasing their child’s independence and participation.
UndressPut clothes in the hamperPull off socksPut shoes in the closetRaise their arms above their heads in readiness for their shirt to be put onOffer one foot at a time when parents are putting on shoesUnzip jacketsPut on simple clothes with assistance 3 to 4 years
Pull up pantsPut pants on (though they might be backwards)Pull down a shirt after it’s placed over their headInsert feet into shoes (though they may be on the wrong feet)Unsnap clothesButton larger buttons (this is one of many fine motor skills activities for toddlers)Put on socks and shoes without lacesZip a jacket after an adult has started the zipper
Note: Struggling to zip a zipper or button a button can be signs of fine motor delay in preschoolers.
Pick out clothes each dayPull pants on all the way (especially pants with elastic waistbands)Put on jackets using the overhead technique (this is the Montessori coat flip trick, in which kids lay the jacket upside down, put their arms in, then flip the coat onto their backs.)ZipperUndo fastenings like buttons, snaps and bucklesPractice tying their shoes
Related: A Developmental Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Giving Kids This Type of Toy
5 Genius OT Tricks To Make Independent Dressing Faster
Since one reason you might want to dress your child is to keep things moving in the morning, occupational therapists share tips on making the process quicker for kids.
1. Create pictorial sequence lists
Dr. Moskowitz encourages first selecting the child’s outfit (including their socks and shoes). Then, create a sequence of pictures with what steps they need to take. For example, pants first, then socks, then shoes.
When you're selecting your child’s outfit for the day, lay it out flat and ensure the backs of the clothes are face up. “
This helps kids visualize their whole outfit and where everything goes,” Dr. Moskowitz explains.
3. Teach the sequence for putting on a shirt
Bennett encourages teaching them these steps:
Put your head through first (you can help with this step by placing the shirt over their head).Pull the shirt down.Find one sleeve at a time.For taking off a shirt, she shares these steps:
Pull one arm out at a time.Lift the shirt over your head.Sticking with this step-by-step guide is helpful for another reason, too.
“Children learn motor skills best through repetition, and keeping the same sequence each time helps build an automatic routine,” Bennett notes.
Reduce the balance challenge by asking kids to sit down first.
“Sitting removes one layer of difficulty so children can focus on the dressing skill itself,” Bennett explains.
5. Have them practice when they aren’t busy
When you’re in a rush, it makes even more sense why you’d want to dress your child or speed up the process. So, when you’re not in those moments, have your child practice so they're better prepared.
“When children have the time to try, make mistakes and problem-solve without everyone feeling rushed, they're much more likely to stay regulated, build confidence and enjoy the learning process,” Bennett explains.
Related: The Genius Trick for Easier Mornings With Kids: ‘It Changes Everything’
The big takeaway with grandparents and boundaries, according to Dr. Moskowitz, is recognizing the pleasure that grandparents feel when interacting with their grandchildren.
“Guide the grandparents to ask questions instead of making assumptions,” she suggests. “Remind them that the task is the child’s to complete. Their job is to enjoy the process.”
Some questions they can ask include:
What do you want to wear today?Would you prefer this top or that top?Do you want to show me how you dress yourself?Then, she encourages the grandparent to provide genuine and specific accolades, such as “I love how…”
…you matched your socks with your pants.”…you buttoned the shirt yourself.”…you figured out how to turn the pants around when you discovered they went on backwards.”Bennett agrees and adds another suggestion.
“I encourage parents to invite grandparents to be part of the learning process instead of asking them to step back completely,” she says. “Rather than saying, ‘Don’t help them get dressed,’ try giving one specific goal to focus on.”
For example, the child putting on their shoes or zipping their jacket.
“Focusing on one skill keeps expectations realistic, allows grandparents (and children) to celebrate the child’s progress and creates consistency across caregivers without making anyone feel criticized,” she explains. “These small amounts of practice may seem simple, but over time, they build confidence, independence and lifelong skills.”
Up Next:
Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What Actually Motivates Kids—They All Said the Same Thing
Sources:
Sydney Bennett, MS, OTR/L, is a pediatric occupational therapist and co-founder of BabyFIT Providers.Dr. Beverly H. Moskowitz, DOT, MS, OTR/L, FAOTA, is a pediatric occupational therapist and CEO of Real OT Solutions.Hence then, the article about occupational therapists say parents and grandparents often help too much with this daily task was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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