Looking for a gentle parenting nighttime hack or the best bedtime routine for kids? It’s not super clear-cut or obvious. What works one night or for one child may not work for another. Plus, toddler sleep regression, emotional meltdowns at night and bedtime anxiety in children are real phenomena.
You may also feel rushed to get your kids asleep. Maybe they aren’t getting ready like you asked. Or it’s late. Maybe you need time alone or want to spend it with your partner. Or you might know how grumpy they’ll be if they don’t fall asleep within the next 10 minutes. This is all to say that if you rush bedtime, you’re not alone, and the habit is an understandable one.
At the same time, child psychologists encourage you to reconsider. Taking time with your child before bed is so valuable—and it can be done, even when one or both of you have a busy routine. Kids need that more than we realize, sometimes, and aren’t necessarily “just trying to stay up late” or “fighting going to bed.” Plus, believe it or not, taking that time with your child can help them fall asleep faster.
Want to know more? Keep reading for explanations from child psychologists and child psychology bedtime tips, including the most important part of bedtime that parents often rush.
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“Bedtime” for kids can be a whole ordeal. You might offer to let them play “for just two more minutes.” You might have to push them to brush their teeth. The part that many parents rush—and that psychologists are begging you not to—is the “bedtime chat” right before lights out. But why, when sleeping is so important?
First, rushing the bedtime chat invites what’s called a “protest behavior.”
“When parents treat bedtime like a sprint, it causes an equal but opposite reaction in kids,” Dr. Carla Allan, PhD, the Division Chief of Psychology at Phoenix Children’s, tells Parade. “Our push to speed up triggers their push to slow down, increasing stalling behaviors as they desperately try to regain control.”
Second, and along those lines, this valuable time is when both parents and children can settle their nervous systems and open up.
“By slowing down, putting aside distractions and being present, parents create a regulated environment where children feel safe enough to share their thoughts,” explains Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, EdD, a psychologist and the author of The Dysregulated Kid.
Related: 7 Habits of a ‘Deeply Feeling’ Child or Grandchild, According to Dr. Becky Kennedy
The Psychology of ‘Bedtime Stalling’: Why It’s Actually a Cry for Connection
Wondering why kids stall at bedtime? Get this: It’s how they ask for connection, not an act of defiance.
“It is about control and fear,” Dr. Allan reveals. “When faced with the fear of the dark and the anxiety of separation, kids can stall to reclaim a sense of control and predictability over the environment.”
Dr. Capanna-Hodge agrees that kids are rarely trying to manipulate. They may need to regulate after a lot of sensory, social and emotional input from the day.
“Recognizing stalling as a need for stress relief and connection, rather than defiance, shifts the parent’s response from frustration to empathy, making the child feel seen and safe,” she adds.
Related: 7 Things a Trauma-Informed Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Doing ASAP
Connecting with your child throughout the day “doesn’t have to be complicated,” according to Dr. Capanna-Hodge. She and Dr. Allan share how.
Spend five minutes interacting with your child. You could read them a nightly story, do some breathwork or reflect about their day.
“A child’s nervous system begins to anticipate calm and connection, which reduces stress and builds trust,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge explains.
2. Prioritize early evening “special time” and specific praise
Since nighttime can be hard for kids, spend some of the evening connecting with them—even 10 to 15 minutes.
“Join them in an activity of their choosing,” Dr. Allan suggests.
She encourages adding specific praise and compliments, too. Saying something like, “I love how you used your walking feet down the hallway,” for example, can create more positive conditions for bedtime.
Have a must-do task on your to-do list? Consider doing it with or next to your child.
“Doing small tasks together, such as folding laundry, prepping a meal or walking the dog, lets conversation happen naturally,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge states. “Being physically close without the pressure of face-to-face engagement encourages children to open up and practice co-regulation.”
4. Create a meaningful morning routine
You can eat breakfast together, sing songs on the way to school or take a quick morning walk outside.
“These small moments lay the foundation for a strong parent-child relationship while simultaneously supporting a regular morning wake time,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge explains.
Every day, ask your child questions like, “What was the best part of your day?” or “What felt tricky today?” Dr. Capanna-Hodge explains that this helps children practice expressing their feelings.
“Even brief, consistent moments like this create long-term capacity for emotional regulation and strengthen connection,” she adds.
6. Build calm, low-stimulation connection into the bedtime routine
For 30 to 60 minutes before lights out, connect with your child without screens. You might cuddle, read a favorite book or give a gentle hug.
“Consistent, quiet bedtime routines signal safety and security and help your child comfortably self-soothe and drift off to sleep,” Dr. Allan explains.
Manipulation vs. Emotional Need: How To Tell the Difference
Dr. Allan says that “bedtime stalling is not malicious manipulation,” but a bid for connection.
If it seems to be a behavioral concern that needs addressing, she encourages setting limits with a “bedtime pass.”
“The evidence-based ‘bedtime pass’ works beautifully by giving your child a physical coupon to exchange for one trip out of bed for a hug or water,” she shares. “If tantrums persist, gradual approaches, like graduated extinction (checking in at progressively longer intervals), are proven, safe ways to teach self-soothing.”
One way to tell the difference is by assessing their nervous system. Signs of an unregulated nervous system, according to Dr. Capanna-Hodge, include appearing overstimulated, fidgeting, pacing, repetitive requests and sudden shifts in energy.
“When approached with calm presence instead of punishment or pressure, a child’s true needs become clear,” she continues.
Related: 9 Things ‘Slow-Living’ Grandparents Do Differently, According to Child Psychologists
Wondering how to get kids to sleep faster? As explained, it’s about slowing down rather than speeding up. Giving kids predictability, safety and time to chat before bed helps them feel less rushed, vulnerable and powerless.
“Sleep is a biological process, and you cannot force a child to fall asleep; you can only create the conditions for it to happen,” Dr. Allan explains. “When a bedtime routine is chaotic or rushed, it invites a power struggle that interferes with winding down.”
Dr. Capanna-Hodge explains that slowing down at bedtime signals safety and allows their parasympathetic nervous system to engage. Feelings of regulation and connection can also cause their cortisol levels to drop, in which they feel less stressed and can shift into sleep mode more quickly.
The “bedtime chat” doesn’t have to be super deep or long, for what it’s worth. In reality, Dr. Allan says it’s about “establishing a brief, highly predictable routine that reduces friction.” That predictability and feeling of control help them “let go” and transition to sleep. Then, they can more easily and quickly catch those zzzs… and you can, too.
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Sources:
Dr. Carla Allan, PhD, is the Division Chief of Psychology at Phoenix Children's.Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, Ed.D., is a psychologist and the author of The Dysregulated Kid.Hence then, the article about parents often rush this part of bedtime but child psychologists say it s the most important was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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