Channel 4’s manipulative, gratuitous The Piano couldn’t leave a worse taste in my mouth if I were literally eating one. The fact that it is hosted by Claudia Winkleman, who I count among British TV’s all-time treasures, is baffling. How on earth did one of the worst programmes in the country come to be fronted by one of its best presenters?
That dissonance leaves room for hope. Could it be that in this fourth series, the premise – wherein amateur pianists audition at train stations around the country for the chance to play at a one-off concert – won’t feel so prurient and patronising, as if the producers are more interested in harrowing sob-stories than talent? Don’t be daft.
In fact, if the new series’ first episode is anything to go by, The Piano has attained new heights of awfulness. In Birmingham’s New Street Station, we are treated to a parade of variously vulnerable people – the show’s youngest ever contestant, seven-year-old Bowen, its oldest, 94-year-old Bob, plus Megan who has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Charlotte whose husband has cancer, and Grace who lost her hands and legs to meningitis 15 years ago. And, while I feel grubby leading with those biographical details, I’m only taking my cues from the show.
Although we were treated to glimpses of pianists who weren’t presented tragedy-first (NHS consultant Prash, 20-year-old conservatoire student Ollie), we didn’t spend any meaningful time with them as musicians – because despite its name, The Piano is not interested in its titular instrument. Instead, it trades in tragedy, practically daring viewers to add to its contestants’ considerable woes by questioning the point of (not to mention motives for) putting them on national television.
The Piano has attained new heights of awfulness this year (Photo: Channel 4/Nic Serpell Rand)Granted, if anyone could smooth over this shit show, it would be Winkleman: Cleopatra-lined eyes brimming with both mischief and humanity. In the moments she’s on screen, The Piano becomes almost watchable. Lord knows her presence is a coup for Channel 4 – it’s frightening to contemplate how dire it would be without her – but what is she thinking?
The gulf between her calibre (top tier) and the programme’s (bottom of the barrel) could hardly be wider. Winkleman presenting The Piano is akin to Louis Theroux fronting Love Island. Except that sounds amazing – because while Love Island has its own issues, its contestants start out as archetypes and become three-dimensional humans; The Piano, I’m afraid, inverts that. Not only is Winkleman’s sensitivity wasted, but I am left somewhat questioning her judgement. No one, though, could doubt her professionalism – and perhaps that’s the problem.
In The Piano, Winkleman’s best moments are with the crowd gathered in the train stations to watch. “I’ve got some of these in my pants – I don’t mind telling you woman-to-woman”, she says, passing a little girl a hand-warmer; “I am in love with him!”, she cries about a dog that “sings”. Here, she’s free to be her adorable self. Speaking to the contestants, though, she’s obliged to share the show’s reductive frame of interest, nodding sympathetically as we linger uncomfortably on the hardest thing they’ve ever endured without ever really explaining what it has to do with their music.
To truly redeem The Piano, its presenter would have to actively sabotage it, and Winkleman is too grown up for that. Her unwavering professionalism, though, comes at a cost — a black mark on an otherwise impeccable record, that I will forgive but never forget.
Winkleman is too beloved to be sunk by one bad programme – thank God too, because we need her on our screens as much as we need The Piano off them. Time for this leading lady to go solo.
‘The Piano’ continues next Sunday at 9pm on Channel 4
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