“It was always difficult at the children’s birthday parties when my grandchildren used to run into the other grandma’s arms shouting ‘Grandma! Grandma!’ She always had the baby on her hip and the kids were generally much easier with her, hugging and sitting on her lap and having stories. If they fell over and hurt themselves they automatically went to her, not me. That was quite painful.”
Fifty-nine-year-old Carol’s four grandchildren – belonging to her son, aged 10, eight, and four – live round the corner from the other grandparents, while Carol lives over an hour’s drive away, in Lincoln. “I always worried they were going to love her more than me,” she says. ‘She’s part of their everyday lives. I expected they would always be closer to her.”
It’s agonising to feel, as many grandparents do, that you’re number two in their grandchildren’s lives. Sometimes it’s a question of who lives nearest and can look after the grandchildren regularly. But it’s often paternal grandparents, like Carol, who feel it most. It’s a shock to discover that they’re second in line when it comes to visiting the new baby in hospital and requests for babysitting. One study found that more than a quarter of maternal grandparents had contact several times a week, compared to only 15 per cent of paternal grandparents.
Janet, 74, from Northumberland, can see both sides from having a daughter and two sons with multiple kids each. All her grandchildren are now in their teens. “It made a big difference when the children were little, although it’s easier now that they’re growing up and can come on their own,” she says. “We hardly saw anything of our older son’s children when they were babies, and I found that really difficult. The other grandparents lived about half an hour away from us, and when the family came to visit they always stayed with them.” Their time with their grandchildren totally depended on what the other granny was doing. “She used to ring up and say, ‘You can have the children next Tuesday,’ which meant she had something else to do. I tried not to mind too much, and I certainly never said anything. But it was really sad, especially because my friends were seeing their grandchildren all the time.”
There’s still an automatic assumption that the maternal grandparents are number one, which sets up an unhelpful imbalance from the word go. For many grandparents, there’s a double whammy of disadvantage if the other grandparents live closer to the family. Both Janet’s sons live five-hours’ drive away, while her younger son’s parents-in-law are a 10-minute walk. “The other granny always makes it clear that I’m number two. Whenever we’re together she goes on about how much our grandchildren love her. It’s hurtful but I’ve learnt to do my best to ignore it.”
Janet got used to enjoying concentrated periods of time with her grandchildren in the holidays, often when the parents need help with childcare. “Once when I came down to babysit for a couple of days the other grandma said, ‘I don’t know why you have to come anyway.’ And when my son arranged for my husband and me to stay for a week while he was away for work, she told her daughter it was ridiculous and insisted on having the kids to stay with her instead.”
Janet and her husband were were understandably disappointed. “We’d really been looking forward to spending a good chunk of time with them,” she says. “It helps I’ve got good relationships with all my grandchildren in totally different ways. I think they get something out of their relationship with me that they don’t get from the other grandparents. It’s a different dynamic.”
Maternal grandparents are often more closely involved even before the baby’s born; they may even be present at the birth. Women are inevitably more likely to confide in their mothers than in their mothers-in-law, and ask their advice during pregnancy and when the kids are little. By contrast, contact with paternal grandparents often has to be more carefully orchestrated; the last thing a new mum wants is her in-laws popping in unannounced. And it’s invariably mothers who organise the children’s social lives. Paternal grandparents often realise it’s up to them to suggest visits.
“It’s totally understandable that my daughter-in-law turns to her mum first for childcare and advice,” continues Carol. “I’m not blaming her because I always used to ring my mum first and my daughter always rings me first. And when it comes to babysitting and organising outings with the grandchildren, I automatically deal with her rather than my son. It’s not like it’s the grandchildren choosing, it’s the mother.”
Carol says it’s definitely different with her own daughter, even though she also lives over an hour away, like her son. “I have a lot more access to her little girl. She makes it very clear that wants me to see her daughter a lot and be a big part of her life,” she says. “My daughter-in-law does too, but it’s different. I’m a bit at her mercy when it comes to seeing the grandchildren.”
Some research indicates that grandmothers feel the disparity more than grandfathers. Professor Geoffrey Greif of the University of Maryland, says: “The impression from our research is that grandfathers do not have the other grandparents on their radar to the extent that grandmothers do.” Ken, who has seven grandchildren, agrees. “One of my granddaughters is very close to her other grandad – my son’s father-in-law,” he says. “He taught her to play tennis and they have a really good relationship. I’m not at all jealous: he’s a lovely guy and I’m pleased for them.”
In time, many grandparents discover that seeing a bit less of the grandchildren can actually lead to a different kind of closeness, because visits are special rather than every day. A close bond is not just about how often they see each other, but how they spend their time together. In the end, Carol concluded that novelty was her trump card.
“Over time, when I’d given myself a good talking to, I was determined not to feel jealous or compete with the other grandma. So I spent a lot of time thinking about how to redefine my role and working out how to be a part of my grandchildren’s lives without stepping on anyone’s toes.”
Rather than trying to compete or copy the other grandmother, Carol decided to play to her own strengths. “I decided I would be fun grandma, even naughty grandma. So whereas the other grandma has to worry about getting the kids to bed on time and making sure they eat healthy food, I swan in with chocolates and let them stay up late.” Carol doesn’t tell them off much, whereas the other grandma has to because she’s more part of their everyday lives. “I let them run all over my house creating mayhem and playing laser guns. The mess and chaos washes over me and I just tidy up when they’ve gone. I soon discovered it’s much easier being the naughty grandma, because you don’t have the responsibility, and you don’t have to be sensible all the time.”
Celia Dodd is the author of ‘Grand Expectations: The joys and dilemmas of being a grandparent’
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