“Don’t you ever say no?” an exasperated fellow grandmother asked her adult daughter recently. Rather than tell their children off, today’s “gentle” parents spend ages explaining why it’s not a good idea to lob a toy car at their baby sister or climb on to the kitchen table. Grandparents, by contrast, I find are much more likely to just say no.
David, whose grandchildren are four and two, says: “Sometimes I just can’t help reacting with ‘Hey! Don’t do that!’ when the four-year-old is doing something that could end in disaster, like swinging on a chair near a glass cupboard, or grabbing something precious. If his parents are around they very carefully and deliberately explain to him. Sometimes there’s a bit of tension.
“What’s slightly irritating is that my son-in-law usually says something like, ‘you know that grandpa worries about that’, not ‘you shouldn’t be doing that’.”
Grandparents have seen so many parenting trends come and go, from Penelope Leach to Tiger Mothers, that it’s hardly surprising they raise an eyebrow at gentle parenting. Monica, 58, whose grandsons are seven and nearly two, says: “The current parenting zeitgeist has gone back to something I saw in the 1980s, that the most important thing is that children can express themselves wherever they are.
“It worries me that they might turn into monster children who don’t get invited to things, although my daughter and her wife now recognise that the children need to learn how to behave in different settings. The problem is that child-centredness is often confused with child-inclusiveness.”
Most grandparents were brought up to mind their manners and never answer back. In their day, being called “spoilt” was the most shaming insult, so no wonder they worry that child-centredness could create a generation of kids who think their feelings are the only feelings that matter.
Their concerns are echoed by some teachers. David, who looks after his grandchildren one day a week, says: “I respect my daughter’s approach, even if I don’t always agree with it. But I worry that gentle parenting won’t do the children any favours when it comes to adapting to the world when they get older and go to school. They won’t be able to question what the teacher does or be an equal partner with the adults they come across.
“I think parents not wanting conflict with their children is key. They think they’re being kind but actually they’re giving kids a false impression, which is that they are equal partners. They’re not. Ultimately, what the parent says has to be what goes. So while the old way of bringing up children – to obey grown-ups without question – is clearly wrong, going too far in the other direction is wrong too.”
Grandparents roll their eyes at grandchildren who run riot in cafes and climb all over the furniture, graze constantly rather than eating at the table, are encouraged to express their feelings freely, choose their own clothes and can’t go to sleep without an adult by their side.
They worry about children who refuse to hold hands crossing the road, and get frustrated by the interminable explaining that keeps everyone else waiting. And then there are the endless choices: Do you want your toast cut into triangles or squares? Do you want to go home now?
Andrea, 65, has three grandchildren under five. She says: “The three-year-old is allowed to eat whatever and whenever he wants. But what’s really bad is that he wastes food – he insists on having his plate piled high, otherwise he yells and puts his head on the table. But then he doesn’t eat the food.
“That happens a lot and it infuriates me. I haven’t said anything, although I worry that if they don’t curb it soon it could be a problem when he’s older. The other thing I don’t like is that the children can’t go to sleep without somebody with them. I think it’s ridiculous but I have to go along with it, so I end up lying on a mattress beside them, and when I try to creep out, they wake up!”
If children aren’t used to being told off by their parents, it comes as a nasty shock when a grandparent says no or loses their temper. I’m haunted by the time I shouted at my three-year-old grandson for touching something I’d told him not to. He wept inconsolably while I felt horribly guilty, and it took a good hour for us to recover.
Andrea had a similar experience with her five-year-old granddaughter: “We often take the two older grandchildren to a local cafe and we all love it. Last time while we were paying the bill they both went a bit wild – shouting, rushing about and disturbing the other people. The five-year-old was just having fun and winding her brother up, but when I told her to stop she thought it was funny. I thought that was terribly rude, and I said I wouldn’t take her there again unless she behaved. She said, ‘I’m not going to talk to you until you lower your voice’, which I suppose is something her parents say to her. That made me absolutely furious. I said, ‘Don’t speak to me like that,’ and marched them out of the place.
“I think my granddaughter and I were both terrified at what had happened. I was so upset and really worried about how we were going to get over it, but later on she said, ‘I love you grandma’. When I told my daughter about it she looked very uncomfortable and told the children that they have to respect our rules when they’re with us. I don’t want to interfere with their parenting but I was very relieved that she said that.”
Differences in parenting ideas are a common source of tension and even conflict between the generations, particularly now that so many grandparents do childcare. It’s clearly important for the grandchild that the adults are on the same page, but talking about parenting can make both grandparent and parent feel criticised and defensive.
Instead of telling the parents about how they feel grandparents are more likely to grumble to each other. David says: “As a grandparent, I think it’s good to be yourself and do what comes naturally, in fact it’s essential. But it’s also not good to get into fights with your son-in-law or daughter-in-law. So sometimes it’s easier to keep quiet if I disagree with something the parents are doing. That’s fine because basically we both want the same things, we just have different views on the ways to make it happen. I certainly don’t think I’m right and they’re wrong. In fact I’m very aware of my own shortcomings, both as a parent and a grandparent.”
Parents, meanwhile, agonise about telling grandparents not to do something, and that’s especially awkward if it’s their mother- or father-in-law. Andrea says: “If I ever tell my granddaughter not to do something, my son-in-law doesn’t say anything, but I have noticed that he takes her away from me. I don’t know if it’s for my sake or hers! The other day the three-year-old hit his sister when I was in charge. I said, ‘Say you’re sorry’, but my daughter, who was working in the next room, intervened.
“She told me: ‘We don’t make them say sorry straight away, we get them to think about it and process why they should say sorry.’ I think that’s a bit too sophisticated for children that age. In principle, I think gentle parenting is good because it’s about treating children with respect. But I’m not sure the children understand all the explanations. I also think there’s a danger of getting too slick about feelings. I think children learn to talk about their feelings in a way their parents want to hear.”
The best advice I’ve heard on dealing with a clash of parenting ideas comes from Professor Geoffrey Greif, who studies family relationships at the University of Maryland. “Grandparents shouldn’t automatically assume their own views on child-rearing are right,” he says. “Instead they need to be open and curious about how the next generation is thinking about parenting.”
Some grandparents find that the best way to take the heat out of conversations is to make it less personal. Checking out the parenting gurus the parents follow is a good start. Rosa came to this solution after a couple of disagreements when she was looking after her granddaughters, who are six and four. She now asks her daughter to send her parenting podcasts if she’s heard a good one. “I’m really interested, because it helps me understand how she’s parenting. And it allows us to have a neutral conversation, and that can be really helpful, because neither of us feels criticised. Some podcasts talk about stuff that I really wish I’d known when I was bringing up my own children, but I think others create unrealistic expectations.”
Celia Dodd is the author of ‘Grand Expectations: The Joys and Dilemmas of Being a Grandparent‘
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