Perhaps an underrated psychologist and psychoanalyst to the general public, Erich Fromm is a well-respected social psychologist, sociologist and philosopher. Born in what is now Germany on March 23, 1900, Fromm went on to explore “the interaction between psychology and society,” according to Britannica. He also co-founded The William Alanson White Institute of Psychiatry, Psychoanalysis and Psychology in New York City in 1943. And in today’s Quote of the Day, he shares his thoughts on long-lasting love.
Fromm believed that if “psychoanalytic principles” were applied to fix the ills of society and culture, humans could ideally create and live in a “sane society,” as Britannica reported. He wrote several books and works, and essentially held the belief that if we want to understand people and society, we also need to fulfill basic human needs. He believed that the inability to satisfy those needs is what leads to so many personal and societal issues and conflicts.
Fromm wrote a ton about human nature, ethics and love. On that topic, he believed love to be a skill you can get better at, rather than just an emotion that just exists or that you can experience. And on that note, today’s quote is about that skill and how it’s a commitment that you actively choose every day.
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Quote of the Day by Erich Fromm
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“To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.”
Per Goodreads, this popular quote by Fromm comes from his 1956 book, The Art of Loving, in Chapter II, “The Theory of Love,” under the subsection “Erotic Love.” And the full quote reads:
“To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision?”
As the book’s description reads, it’s “scientifically teaching how love is a powerful solution to problems of human existence.” Different subsections in the book focus on different kinds of love, from brotherly love to motherly love and love of God. In addition to his suggestion that love is “the answer to the problem of human existence,” he also posits that it has disintegrated in modern Western culture and society. And again, he shares that he believes love to be a practice.
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Even if you don’t subscribe to Fromm’s belief that love is a practice and something you can get better at, this quote can ring true and still mean something to you. Essentially, he’s saying that it’s not enough just to show up and love somebody. Sure, you can superficially say you love a band or a TV show, or even to a friend you might not be super close with. But regarding a romantic relationship, you need to have actions behind your declarations of love.
You need to show up and be there for your partner. You decide whether you want to stay in the relationship, get more serious, move in together, get married, have kids, etc. You are the judge of whether they’re a good match for you and will improve your life. And you make an active promise to love and cherish them, which should be followed by more direct action in the future.
We all go through tough times with our significant others. And even if we are big believers in soulmates or love at first sight, you still need to do more than say, "I love you." Because in those rough times, we still have to choose our person. Otherwise, it's not going to last.
In the context of his book and his belief that love is a skill that you can hone, then he’s saying that “decision,” “judgment” and “promise” are all a part of that discipline. But seeing that this is under the “Erotic Love” subsection, he shares that he’s not implying that you can just pick any two random people, have them try hard enough, and they’ll be a good love match. He writes that there is a combination of both love being a practice, while also having a unique bond specific to that one person.
So even though there are elements of attraction, connection, compatibility and more at play, a successful, long-lasting love is one where you both actively participate and choose each other day in and day out.
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More Quotes from Erich Fromm
“The lust for power is not rooted in strength but in weakness.”“An illusion shared by everyone becomes a reality.”“Greed is a bottomless pit which exhausts the person in an endless effort to satisfy the need without ever reaching satisfaction.”“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you’.”“Happiness is the indication that man has found the answer to the problem of human existence: the productive realization of his potentialities and thus, simultaneously, being one with the world and preserving the integrity of the self.”Up Next:
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