More and more, parents and grandparents are embracing the power of words with children. It's a long way away—and a welcome departure, if you ask us—from the whole "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" idea from back in the day.
"The words we choose to encourage our kids are powerful," says Dr. Brittney Pearson, PhD,a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. "Therefore, we must choose them wisely and with intention. In the short term, our words can provide feedback on a child’s view of their abilities and intelligence. In the long term, these words can set the foundation for a child's identity and self-worth."
Another child psychologist echoes these sentiments.
"Words are important because language becomes internalized in kids," adds Dr. Cheung “William” Tsang, PsyD, a neuropsychologist with Hackensack University Medical Center. "The way a parent speaks to a child eventually becomes how a child talks to themselves."
In fact, you may notice that your inner critic has the same voice as your mom or dad—that's common.
"In the short term, words shape behavior and emotional reactions," Dr. Tsang says. "Over time, they shape self-concept, motivation and how a child responds to successes, challenges and failures."
It's a lot of pressure, and no parent or grandparent gets it right 100% of the time. Child psychologists aren't suggesting anyone strive for perfection (an impossible standard). Yet, knowing the pitfalls of certain common phrases can help you choose wiser words. To that end, three psychologists agree that it's best to avoid this one common phrase with kids, and it might be a surprising one to you.
Related: Child Psychologist Reveals 7 Key Traits of Parents Who Raise Outspoken Children
The #1 Phrase To Avoid With Kids, According to 3 Child Psychologists
Yuliia Kaveshnikova/Getty Images
Even though it might be a surprising one—because maybe your parents or teachers told you this growing up and you thought it was motivational—child psychologists don't recommend this phrase for kids: "The phrase 'practice makes perfect'... can have an unintended, potentially harmful impact on a child’s mental well-being," Dr. Pearson says
Unintended is a keyword. She knows parents aren't purposefully causing harm by using this phrase.
"The intention behind the phrase 'practice makes perfect' is well-meaning," she concedes. "Parents might use this phrase to encourage discipline and persistence, especially when they notice their child facing a challenging subject in school or a task."
Still, the consequences can be real and long-lasting.
"In the immediate moment, 'practice makes perfect' sets an impossible standard," Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, PhD, a child psychologist with Todey Psychology, explains. "Perfection doesn't exist… not in soccer, not in music, not in math, not in relationships, not in life."
Raise your hand if you needed to hear that today. Dr. Tsang doesn't think "practice makes perfect" is inherently harmful on its own, but how it lands matters—and he agrees with Dr. Todey that it can often land in the wrong places.
"If 'perfect' becomes the goal, kids may feel frustrated or discouraged when learning is messy, which it almost always is," he notes. "It can shift attention away from the process and toward the outcome."
When kids believe the goal is perfection, they start avoiding challenges because if you never try the hard thing, you never have to fail at it. Dr. Todey says kids may start avoiding challenges because of this.
"In the short term, this can look like a child who suddenly doesn't want to go to soccer anymore, refuses to try the harder book or who erases their drawing so many times the paper tears," she explains. "They are not being difficult. They are managing fear."
She shares that children can start to associate their self-worth with perfection. They might think, "If I am not perfect, then I am nothing."
“This sets a foundation of low self-esteem and conditional self-worth," Dr. Pearson adds. "It can also lead to burnout due to chronic stress associated with perfectionism, a fear of failure and a fixed mindset where the child believes that mistakes are a sign of incompetence."
Related: People Who Weren’t Told ‘I’m Proud of You’ in Childhood Often Develop These 9 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
"You're so smart" is another well-meaning phrase that can have an unintended negative effect on kids.
"This phrase reinforces a fixed mindset and views intelligence as an innate trait," Dr. Pearson explains.
Dr. Todey agrees, saying kids can start to make "smart" their identity and want to protect it at all costs.
"Making a mistake becomes threatening, and they may begin to worry: 'What if this proves I'm not actually smart?'" she shares. "Rather than risk that conclusion, many children begin avoiding challenges, choosing easier tasks where success is guaranteed."
2. "It's OK—I wasn’t good at that either"
This one is so often said when a child is struggling with a subject, like math or science.
"This phrase does not foster a growth mindset and reinforces that skills are innate rather than learned," Dr. Pearson says.
Dr. Todey notes this one often comes out when a child makes a mistake or questionable choice.
"It feels reasonable because we want to understand," she states. "But to a child's ear, especially when asked with any hint of frustration or disbelief, 'Why did you do that?' lands as judgment, not curiosity."
4. "That's not a big deal"
Dr. Todey says parents and grandparents often use this phrase as a way to comfort kids, but it can have a different effect.
"When a child is upset about something that seems minor to an adult—such as a friend didn't sit with them at lunch—dismissing it with 'that's not a big deal'... sends a message about their inner world," she notes.
The psychologist says children hear this phrase (and its evil twin, "You're too sensitive/dramatic") as, "Your feelings are wrong or you shouldn't feel this way.”
A task may be easy to you, but don't underestimate its difficulty level for a child (or the impact of this phrase.
"'That’s easy' can make kids feel inadequate if it doesn’t feel easy to them," Dr. Tsang explains. "It may discourage them from expressing difficulty."
6. "If you work harder, you will do better"
Honestly? Even adults can find "just work harder" incredibly frustrating, so it's unsurprising that kids do, too.
"This implies failure is from a lack of effort, potentially leading a child to question their competence," Dr. Pearson reveals. "This phrase also neglects effective problem-solving."
Real talk: "Every parent has said this," Dr. Todey notes. "It comes out at the end of a long day when we are exhausted from responding to our kids’ constant questioning. It's understandable."
But the problem?
"As a regular response, 'Because I said so' communicates that authority is the reason for everything, and that questions are unwelcome," she explains.
She adds that, over time, it can foster resentment and erode the sense that the parent-child relationship involves mutual respect.
Related: A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Making This Punishment Mistake
5 Better Alternative Phrases To Say to Kids
1. "I noticed how hard you worked on that"
Dr. Todey loves that this phrase cultivates a growth mindset by praising the effort rather than the outcome or innate ability.
"'I noticed' is also important," she shares. "It signals that you are paying attention—that your child's process matters to you, not just their results. This simple observation communicates volumes about your values as a parent. We care about the work, not just the win."
This one is a much-needed antidote to the glorification of perfection and so much more.
"This phrase does several things at once," Dr. Todey explains. "It normalizes error. It reframes mistakes as information rather than indictment."
She shares that the use of the word "we" is intentional, and it matters more than meets the eye.
"When parents use 'we' language around struggle and learning, it signals solidarity," the psychologist says. "You are not above the process. You make mistakes too. You are in this with your child. That is profoundly reassuring to a young person who is watching you for cues about how to be human."
3. "Practice makes progress"
Child psychologists enthusiastically suggest this one over "Practice makes perfect."
"Using this phrase places focus on the mastery of a skill and allows for healthy reflection on personal growth and progress," Dr. Pearson says.
Dr. Tsang likes that this one pivots a kid's focus from the outcome to problem-solving.
"It helps kids to shift away from being stuck on the fear of failure and toward tolerating disappointment, building flexibility and developing agency to try again," Dr. Tsang states.
5. "Tell me more about that"
Dr. Todey suggests using this one when a child is upset, excited, confused or struggling to articulate something. She calls it an invitation and "one of the most powerful tools a parent has."
"It communicates, 'You are not too much. Your inner world is worth my time. I am here, and I am listening,'" she says.
She notes that this phrase builds a relationship in which kids come to you with hard things, not just the easy ones.
"That foundation, built through thousands of small moments of genuine curiosity, is what makes it possible for your child to come to you at 15 with something difficult, because they learned at 6 that you could handle what they felt," she states.
Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Words can have an enormous impact on kids and become part of their inner monologue, shaping the view of themselves they take into adulthood. Here are some things to keep in mind as you choose your words and go-to phrases with kids:
"Practice makes perfect" is well-meaning but best avoided. Child psychologists say it positions perfection as an achievable standard and may lead to low frustration tolerance and a fear of taking risks.It's also best to skip other common phrases. Child psychologists also advise against phrases like "You're so smart" (can have a similar effect as "practice makes perfect") and "Because I said so" (erodes mutual respect).More positive phrases exist. Phrases like "Practice makes progress," "It's OK to make mistakes—that's how we learn," and "Tell me more" develop confidence, foster problem-solving and build trust between parents and kids.Up Next:
Related: ‘I’m a Psychologist, and I’m Begging Parents to Stop Using This 1 Common Phrase'
Sources:
Dr. Brittney Pearson, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist with Todey Psychology.Dr. Cheung "William" Tsang, Psy.D., is a neuropsychologist with Hackensack University Medical Center.Hence then, the article about we asked 3 child psychologists what phrase to avoid with kids they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
Read More Details
Finally We wish PressBee provided you with enough information of ( We Asked 3 Child Psychologists What Phrase To Avoid With Kids—They All Said the Same Thing )
Also on site :
- GTA 6 dev Rockstar have seemingly been hacked again, but they don't seem all that worried
- Israeli enemy forces withdraw from Daraa countryside after hours-long incursion, arrest of two citizens
- ‘Euphoria’ Season 3 Cast Guide: Who’s Back, Who’s Gone and the Surprising New Additions