Nothing quite prepares you for the moment a good friend suddenly starts talking about someone new who has come into their lives. Not a romantic partner, you understand, another friend. Someone you don’t know. “Oh, I was talking to Barbara about that, over lunch at the weekend,” they might say. I beg your finest pardon! Barbara? Who is Barbara? What are her intentions, exactly? Are her prospects suitable? Dealing with jealousy and envy in adult romantic relationships is one thing, but navigating them within close friendships is a different beast altogether.
There is a significant difference between jealousy and envy, though they are often used as synonyms. Envy is wanting something someone else has got and jealousy is fearing you will lose what you already have. For example, I am envious of Sabrina Carpenter’s bottom, whereas I am jealous my good friend of 20 years will like Barbara more than me and will leave me on my own in the playground to have to have lunch with the dinner ladies, again.
I have experienced jealousy many times in my life; romantic jealousy and professional jealousy are familiar visitors, but platonic jealousy is a whole other ball game. Nothing quite makes you feel as petty and foolish as being jealous that your friend is having a good time with someone else, especially when you are a fully grown adult who should be beyond this kind of nonsense.
That’s the thing about jealousy, especially platonic jealousy: it’s childish and you know it. It’s an embarrassing emotion to experience, let alone own up to. You know that there is no good reason on earth why your bestie should not be seeing other people, but you just can’t help feeling jealous about it. Perhaps you were part of a trio and learned the other two had a day out without you. Or maybe your friend had a baby and now has a whole load of “mum mates” that you can’t join in with, or your work friends didn’t invite you to lunch. I have experienced all three, and as much as you might try to rationalise the feelings away, you can’t. The jealousy and the ridiculousness of it gnaws away at you.
It’s the humiliating realisation of an insecurity and why we all pretend we don’t feel jealousy when it rears its ugly green head. “Of course I’m not jealous! I don’t care if you went to the cinema to watch the film we were talking about with Barbara. In fact, I hope you both go and live in the cinema and eat nothing but popcorn and hotdogs for the rest of your lives.”
Jealousy within romantic relationships is much more widely spoken about than it is within friendships. It’s completely normal, natural even, to experience the familiar pangs of insecurity when your partner is spending time with someone that they could conceivably be sexually interested in. Perhaps it’s because this kind of jealousy is thought of as more adult and complex than anything that could ever arise between friends. That kind of silly squabbling is for the schoolyard and for insecure teenagers – and yet, the unspoken longing in both romantic and platonic relationships is the same: “please don’t leave me.”
Platonic jealousy is far from a petty affair. Rather, it gets to the heart of who we are as a species – and that is sociable and naturally territorial. We are supposed to be living in large groups, containing both family and friends. According to anthropologist Robin Dunbar, humans tend to group together in numbers of up to 150, so there is bound to be some jealousy within those group dynamics. It is incredibly common but not spoken about nearly enough. Great works of art have been erected to jealous lovers. Toy Story was written about jealous friends.
To be clear, I am not talking about the kind of jealousy that you see on episodes of 24 Hours in Police Custody or The Talented Mr Ripley. I should say that if you are either experiencing or are on the receiving end of such levels of possessiveness, some kind of intervention is required. No, I mean that little twinge of the green-eyed monster we all feel when we think we are being left out that reminds us that underneath all the intellect and fancy tech, when you boil it right down, we are little more than bald chimps with anxiety. We are children, posing as adults, worrying about who is playing with whom on the jungle gym.
Experiencing platonic jealousy is not pleasant but it may help to realise just how formative this basic emotion is to the world around us. World leaders fall out with one another, worry about who is friendlier with whom, and lash out if they feel they are being excluded or not respected enough. I mean, Trump threatened to invade Greenland because someone else got a Nobel Peace Prize. If jealousy and envy can bring us to the brink of war, maybe you shouldn’t give yourself such a hard time for sulking about being left off a Christmas card list?
So how do you handle it when your bosom buddy casually begins to parade Barbara about like the cheap trollop she is? Not writing about it in a national newspaper is probably the most important thing you can do, but if you can’t manage that, here is my advice: practice gratitude. It is very hard to feel jealousy if you stay focused on feeling grateful for all the good things you have with your friend or loved one.
If you are seeking reassurance, then don’t be afraid to ask for it. It might be an awkward conversation to have, but at least it’s all out in the open. If you want to spend more time with your friend, you are going to have to ask them for it – and be prepared to accept the fact that we are all allowed to have other people in our lives. Remind yourself that friendship is not exclusive and it’s OK to feel this way from time to time. We all do. Tell yourself it’s just an emotion and it will pass.
Or you can just fall out with everyone and start dropping bombs everywhere. The choice is yours.
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