As a child, you may have dreamt of falling head-over glass-slipper heels for someone who swept you off your feet. It was going to be love at first sight, obviously, and your forever partner would adore and dote on you without any drama.
Then, you grew up and realized Disney lied, and perhaps decided Carrie Bradshaw's shoe collection far exceeded Cinderella's, anyway. Fans of Sex and the Citylearned—from Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte's worldly experiences—that long-term relationships are more complicated than a straight trip from "love at first sight" to "happily ever after." People bring different wants, needs and motives to relationships. A relationship psychologist stresses that it's not cynical to uncover these expectations. It's smart.
"It's generally a good idea to understand people's reasoning because it helps you gauge compatibility in timing and values," says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. "Two people can care about each other but be in very different life phases."
When people are transparent about what they are looking for in their current season, Dr. Schiff explains that it creates clarity, preventing confusion and resentment later. She says it gives both people a chance to make informed decisions about whether or not the relationship aligns with their current wants and needs. This transparency is especially important these days, when dating apps have created a swipe-and-tap Wild West.
You can also swipe and tap your way to an Uber or Lyft rather than having to make like the SATC ladies and hail a cab home from brunch or a date gone wrong. Still, old-fashioned yellow cabs inspired a metaphor that warrants more conversation than ever in today's dating scene. It's called the "taxi cab theory," and it presents a very non-Disney take on love. Dr. Schiff explains this relationship theory, including its definition and origins, and shares her thoughts on whether it holds up.
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What Is the Taxi Cab Theory?
"The taxi cab theory suggests that someone commits to a long-term partner when their metaphorical light is on, similar to how a taxi becomes available for passengers once the driver flips the light on," Dr. Schiff tells Parade. "This theory emphasizes timing over compatibility."
If we're to believe the taxi cab theory, Dr. Schiff states that the "threshold" is not when someone feels a "click" with someone else, but rather when someone is ready for stability.
"This can be linked to life milestones or feeling emotionally prepared for a long-term partnership," she shares.
In short, love isn't everything—timing is, according to the taxi cab theory.
This one may have thrown you for a loop, so let's put things in reverse and share where the theory came from. Dr. Schiff points to an episode of Sex and the City. In the episode, Charlotte, ever the believer in the fairytale romance ideal, believes she found her prince in Trey, whom she met two weeks before telling the more cynical Miranda, “Sometimes you just know, it’s like, magic, it’s fate.”
The pragmatic attorney, Miranda, makes the case for another theory, which has gone on to live in SATC lore as the taxi cab theory: “It’s not fate, his light is on—that’s all,” Miranda starts.
She wasn't done.
“Men are like cabs," Miranda explains. "When they’re available, their light goes on. They wake up one day and decide they’re ready to settle down, have babies—whatever—and they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up—boom. That’s the one they’ll marry. It’s not fate, it’s dumb luck.”
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Translation: "Commitment isn't necessarily about meeting the perfect person at the perfect moment, but reaching a life stage where someone feels psychologically ready to settle down," Dr. Schiff notes, adding later, "People... commit when the idea of continuing to date feels more draining than nurturing the relationship they already have."
The taxi cab theory may not give you the same butterflies in your stomach as a rewatch of Snow White, but does it hold up?
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What matters more: Love or commitment? The taxi cab theory holds that the latter is true, but Dr. Schiff is firmly planted in the middle lane.
"I agree that there is some truth in the idea that readiness plays a major role in commitment," she shares. "Age, career stability, emotional maturity and life goals can influence when someone feels prepared for a serious partnership."
However, there's a "but."
"In reality, both readiness and compatibility matter," the psychologist notes. "Most people are unlikely to commit long-term unless they feel ready and genuinely connect to the person they are with."
While the taxi cab theory (and even Dr. Schiff's Goldilocks approach) sounds less romantic, there's some data to support the taxi cab theory. A 2022 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that people were less willing to go all in on a relationship when romantic options were available.
"So when the dating market feels abundant, people prefer to play the field rather than settle down and commit," Dr. Schiff shares.
And there sure are a lot more options today because of dating apps.
"Dating apps have expanded the number of potential partners that people can meet," she explains. "This creates the perception that there is always someone new around the corner. While exciting, this leads to more ambiguous relationship structures like a situationship, where expectations are unclear."
In other words, finding your "why" isn't just for self-help gurus and individual pursuits. It can also remove gray areas from relationships that can one day leave you feeling rather blue.
"Without that conversation [about expectations], people may assume they are moving toward the same goal and are on the same page when they are actually operating with very different expectations," she shares.
Still, even if the desire to settle down is there, she emphasizes that shared values and mutual respect remain core pillars of healthy, sustainable relationships.
Notably, the SATC episode focused on men's readiness in heterosexual relationships, but Dr. Schiff believes we need to take a wider lens view.
"Readiness isn't gender-specific and doesn't flip like a switch," she states. "It tends to develop gradually as you experience life, grow and evolve."
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How Can You Tell if Someone's Light Is On?
Dr. Schiff shares that people whose lights are on will have consistent behavior.
"They will discuss future plans, communicate openly and demonstrate emotional availability," she explains. "Their actions align with long-term thinking and are more future-facing rather than focused on short-term convenience."
On the flip side, someone will also show you if their light is off, but it might be subtle.
"If someone's light is off and not ready for commitment, they will avoid discussions about the future, keep the relationship ambiguous, avoid defining it and prioritize their independence," the psychologist states. "The relationship will feel secondary, and they will express uncertainty about exclusivity and labels."
She notes that you'll want to lean into clear communication if someone's light is on. Are you ready for a long-term relationship? Do your prospective partner's values and motivations align with your goals?
"This will lead to more stable relationships than trying to convince someone who isn't sure what they want," she adds.
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Talk of the taxi cab theory may have brought on some serious 1990s/early-aughts nostalgia, but it has a place in today's dating conversation. Here's Dr. Schiff's bottom line on the taxi cab theory:
Miranda had a point: The taxi cab theory has some truth to it. "The taxi cab theory highlights the truth of the matter, which is that timing and readiness can influence when people commit," Dr. Schiff shares.Charlotte does, too: "The theory is somewhat oversimplified because a strong relationship requires more than just timing," she states. Love matters, too, but it doesn't conquer all.The truth is in the middle: The "recipe" for a "love potion" requires many ingredients—not exclusively magic, nor is it just pragmatism. "A healthy long-term partnership with future potential forms when readiness, compatibility, shared values and emotional investment all align," she states.Up Next:
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Source:
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist.Playing the field or locking down a partner?: Perceptions of available romantic partners and commitment readiness. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.Hence then, the article about does the taxi cab theory hold up a relationship psychologist weighs in was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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