I lie to my kids.
Not about the big things like grief, family upheavals, health, or personal safety, where honesty is absolutely the best policy. But the small things, where a little fib helps get me through the day.
“Yes, your drawing is lovely.” “Sorry, the park is closed.” “No, I don’t know who ate your chocolate.” That kind of thing. These tiny lies protect innocence, can manage anxiety, and sometimes (often) save our sanity. They let children experience magic – think Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny – while helping us survive chaotic days. I genuinely don’t think these small lies make me a bad parent. In fact, I think they make me a realistic one.
Because let’s face it, parenting is full of tiny untruths. Most of them are not harmless; they’re actually helpful.
Children’s logic is still developing. A shadow in the corner of the room can become a terrifying monster. A scribble on a page can represent hours of proud artistic effort. In those moments, a small fib can smooth over the bumps that childhood brings in ways that blunt honesty simply can’t.
For instance, in our house, when my children were younger, the ice cream van music signified that it had run out of ice cream. And my favourite chocolate always seemed to contain an ingredient the children detested. Now they are older, it’s more, “yes, your outfit looks great”, “sorry, I don’t have any cash on me”, or, “we already have plans”.
These little fibs aren’t about deception so much as survival. Any parent knows that a perfectly logical explanation doesn’t always cut through to a tired, hungry or overstimulated child. A tiny tall story can redirect the moment without triggering a meltdown that derails the entire day. It’s not a moral failing, it’s a tactical manoeuvre.
Of course, this doesn’t mean honesty goes out the window completely. Far from it, in fact. We bank our honesty for the big stuff.
Children need truthful conversations about safety, relationships, kindness and responsibility. They need to know they can trust their parents when something serious is happening. They need clear moral guidance as they learn how to navigate the world.
Trust is the foundation of any parent-child relationship, and that’s certainly not something to gamble with. But there is a huge difference between lying to avoid accountability, and telling the occasional harmless white lie which makes childhood (and parenting) feel a little easier. One undermines trust; the other oils the wheels of everyday family life.
And, when children eventually discover some of these small deceptions, as they inevitably do, it often becomes a valuable lesson in itself.
I’m honest with my kids about why little white lies exist. I’m absolutely teaching them that the occasional harmless fib can be part of everyday life. Not to get out of trouble or to shift blame, but rather to be kind or spare someone’s feelings.
Telling a friend their drawing looks great, even if it’s not quite fridge-worthy, or telling someone you loved the gift, even if it isn’t quite something you would have chosen for yourself, or that the food was lovely, when it wasn’t to your taste. These small fibs are less about deception and more about having empathy and tact.
What matters, I think, is helping children understand the difference between a harmless white lie and dishonesty that genuinely hurts or misleads someone – which is never OK.
Sometimes, a stretching of the truth is simply the easiest way through. And that’s OK. Because parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about guiding children safely through childhood and beyond, while giving them a sense of security, imagination and joy.
If that means occasionally telling a four-year-old that “sweetcorn is just yellow peas”, or saying to a teen that you “will think about it”, I’m perfectly comfortable with that. The big truths will still be there when they need them. And those are the ones that really matter.
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