Dear Eric: My husband and his ex-wife have 50/50 custody of their 15-year-old son. I despise this child. He is completely useless, rude, disrespectful, selfish, ungrateful and lazy. All he does is stare at his computer screen.
I have carefully planned my entire life schedule around his schedule, to avoid being at the house on the days he is there for my husband’s 50 percent custody.
My husband has just told me that his ex-wife is moving to another state far away and that he is going to take full custody of his son. This means the child I despise so much is now going to be living with me at my house full time, every single day, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
My husband refuses to let his son move away with his ex. How do I manage this?
— Fed Up
Dear Fed Up: Though your stepson is human, and therefore imperfect like we all are, it’s important to remember that he is also a child and largely powerless in this situation. Yes, he could improve his behavior, but it’s easy to imagine that splitting his time between two houses and navigating a stepparent relationship with someone who despises him doesn’t make for the best life experience.
What you’ve written about his attitude sounds unpleasant, to be sure, but I don’t see anything that rises to the level of aggression or abuse. It may be there; I don’t know. But it sounds like you just don’t like him, and your attitude is making this harder than it needs to be.
This is a relationship that pre-dates your marriage and so you, as an adult, have to do more to make it work. It’s not a feasible solution to tell your husband to send his child away because you don’t like the child.
Assuming you’ve tried to make in-roads with the teen and had no success, it’s time for you to accept what is, for now. If being in the house with him is completely untenable, that’s a problem in your relationship with him, but it’s also a problem in your marriage. So, start thinking of it as something you need to work on for the health of your marriage. This may mean changing your mindset; this may mean family therapy; this may mean taking a firmer stance on ground rules for respect in the home, in conjunction with your husband.
Ask yourself how you can help your husband to raise his kid. The son is a part of your husband’s life and he always will be. Attitudinal issues or clashes of personality aren’t unforgivable. This is your family. Family isn’t always perfect; we don’t always like it. But this minor who shares a home with you doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Talk to him and talk to your husband about what you all need to coexist.
Dear Eric: We used to be social drinkers with family and friends. We no longer drink due to health issues. The change in our behavior is well known by family and our friends.
We recently hosted long weekend guests at our home. They brought an assortment of alcoholic drinks and drank throughout their stay. This made it difficult for us to abstain. They did not ask before their stay. How should we handle this in the future?
— Teetotalling
Dear Teetotalling: There are a couple of options. First, you can talk to these friends — or any other guests — in advance and let them know that you’re keeping a dry house, and you’d appreciate them doing any drinking off-premises. Ideally, your friends will express their understanding and respect your wishes.
But if they have questions, this kind of conversation is a good way to talk about boundaries and what works for you.
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The other option is to have this conversation in the moment. If you see friends lugging in a box of alcoholic drinks at the beginning of their stay, or they start setting up the bar before dinner one night, you’re perfectly within your rights to ask them to stop. You can suggest that you all enjoy mocktails together or simply abstain.
Again, as guests and as friends, they should respect the choice you’re making and show their gratitude for your hospitality by changing course. If they simply can’t go a week without alcohol, maybe next time they should stay at a hotel. That’s fine, too. Sometimes we want to see our friends, but the ways that we each live our lives don’t match up. Going home/to a hotel at the end of the day can be a great option for keeping everyone happy.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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