Over the years, as a psychotherapist and in more recent times a dating and relationships coach on shows such as Celebs Go Dating and The Affair podcast, I have found my eyes opened to a topic which historically has always been shrouded in shame and secrecy. Something grubby and Machiavellian. Something I only previously saw portrayed in Jilly Cooper novels or heard my parents whispering about so-and-so who had committed the ultimate act of indiscretion, never to be invited to dinner parties again.
I am someone who’s naturally curious about people and human behaviour (it’s what led me to the work I do now as a broadcaster, and as a therapist and coach). So I knew there was so much more to this topic than the stereotypical “Scarlet Harlot” illicit “can’t keep your pants on” sex encounters in a sordid motel. And I was right.Now, let me be clear about one thing, I absolutely do not condone cheating. From my experience hearing many different accounts it is painful, it is complicated, and it is not for the faint-hearted.
When I first started bringing the topic of infidelity away from my therapy couch out into the spotlight some people (wrongly) assumed I was trying to sensationalise and, in some way, perhaps glamorise a part of relationships which is shrouded in stigma and secrecy… but in actual fact it was, and is, the complete opposite of my mission.
Having worked with couples and individuals for many, many years, I have seen first-hand the confusion and pain that infidelity almost always brings. But one thing is almost always apparent: all of the stories, the motivations, and the outcomes are very, very different.
And the judgement of society is often unjust. I wanted to shake that up; understand from real people with their own experiences what motivates somebody who chooses to cheat. And crucially, the reparation process that undoubtedly needs to happen once the secrecy of an affair is blown.
One in five people admit to experiencing an affair and no one situation is the same. There are typically three people involved, the person having the affair, the person being cheated on, and indeed “the other person”.
I have found that allowing each of these perspectives the non-judgemental space to work through their story and their feelings has been not only cathartic for them, but powerful in giving clarity for their next move.
Some stories stay with me more than others, of course. A woman whose husband turned out to be a serial bigamist, the married lady who specifically sought affairs with other married men, the man who can forgive but not forget his wife’s affair with his best man, and the woman who had a sexual affair with a colleague while her husband was dying in palliative care.
All of these people have reasons, and they have feelings. Are their experiences and motivations all the same? Absolutely not. Do some people do terrible things? Yes. But is everybody who is involved in infidelity a terrible human being? From my experience, absolutely not.
What stands out to me more than anything is that for the majority of people I speak to, it isn’t about swinging from chandeliers and a quickie in a car park because your partner won’t put out (although I must be clear that there are people out there that are purely about that, and have the moral compass of a potato).
It is often much more multi-layered than that. From what I hear, more often than not, it’s about a lack of emotional connection, communication and validation within their existing relationships which prompts the wandering eye. A need to be understood, and a need to feel.
Contrary to what some people may think when they hear of my The Affair podcast, my work is about preventing affairs from happening in the first place. Encouraging people to think about their needs, their communication abilities, and working on themselves and their partnerships to ensure the rocky road of infidelity isn’t one they will take. I’m delighted when couples become vulnerable with each other to correct any problems, and solidify the trust, honesty, and respect within their relationship.
I am so proud that since I started bringing the tricky topic of one of the most prevalent challenges in a relationship to wider light, it has been met as I had hoped. Curiosity, empowerment, shifted thinking and an opportunity for everybody to think about their own actions and how they show up in a relationship.
As somebody who has been married for 10 years, I can honestly say I will do anything I can to avoid my relationship being blown apart by infidelity. I have seen first-hand the destruction it leaves behind. However, I no longer judge, and I am proud to help bring this very emotive topic into the open and I hope that many more relationships will be saved.
This week I have been…
Filming… This week has taken me to sunny Tenerife in my role as one of the Celebs Go Dating coaches. This is my 12th series co-hosting the show and I adore getting to work with a fresh bunch of celebrities each year to help understand what is going on in their love lives, and help them on the path of finding meaningful relationships.
Not just with a potential partner, but within themselves. With all of the rainy weather in the UK, it has been such a tonic to experience some Spanish sunshine with a few well-earned glasses of sangria!
Exercising… I have definitely felt the post-Christmas carb belly follow me into the New Year, so I have actually been really enjoying getting back into the gym and stepping up my workouts with my PT Lilia which is mainly weight training, and following my husband’s nutrition advice (he’s also a fitness coach).
I find it’s not just so I feel good in my clothes again, but it is an essential part of my week to keep my mental health strong. As a busy working mum, I make sure I take care of myself as best as I can, as I know from past experience that I cannot pour from an empty cup.
Podcasting… Among some of the other hats I wear I am very proud of the podcast I cohost with my friend Luisa Zissman. LuAnna: The Podcast is about friendship, community, honesty and it’s deliciously unfiltered… It has been going for nearly eight years now and we are phenomenally proud of it and the community that we have built.
We are both in different countries at the moment, but the show always goes on. So we have been recording via the powers of wonderful technology this week to ensure our listeners get their weekly episode.
‘The Affair… with Anna Williamson’ is available now on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Amazon Music and all major podcast platforms.
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