DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have decided that we don’t want to have kids. There are many reasons that I won’t get into, but we believe it’s best for us.
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We are both so annoyed that we told them that we have been trying for a year now with no success. This isn’t the truth, but we have reached a breaking point.
Since we made this “confession,” everything has changed. Instead of casual questions, we’re now getting sympathy. My mother-in-law sends articles about fertility specialists. My own mom has offered to pay for treatments. They speak to us with this tone of sadness that makes me feel terrible.
We’ve essentially created a false narrative that we’re struggling with infertility, and I know that’s not something to take lightly.
At the same time, I don’t feel ready to have the “we’re never having kids” conversation. I know it will disappoint them, and I’m not prepared for the emotional fallout. I also worry that they’ll think we’re depriving them of something they’ve always dreamed of.
Now I feel stuck. Do we come clean and admit that we lied just to stop the pressure?
— No Kids
DEAR NO KIDS: It is early in your marriage, and you do not know what the future holds. I hadn’t planned to have children and had the same thing happen to me — my family pestered me all the time about it.
My husband’s grandmother gave us a baby-themed picture frame for our first wedding anniversary. The hints were loud. We ignored them. After a while, their entreaties quieted.
In the end — for us — we got pregnant without planning it and had a child after being married for 10 years. That turned out to be an amazing blessing. Whatever happens for you will be your life — with or without children.
I recommend that you talk to your families and tell them that you have decided you are not going to have children at this point. Thank them for their love and care. Ask them to stop asking you about it and let you live your lives. Then do just that. Build a life of love together with whatever and whomever that entails.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a small staff, and we work hard. One staff member has been slacking for months, not doing some parts of her job, which is making it a burden for others.
Recently, my most reliable employee dropped the ball on something and didn’t even apologize. I think the other employee’s behavior is rubbing off on her.
How can I rebuild morale at a time when I have no extra money?
— Worried
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Miss Manners: A fellow diner wouldn’t let me take the chair her purse was on Dear Abby: I was clobbered by my son’s decision to change his name Asking Eric: Do strangers really need to ask about my device? Harriette Cole: I convinced myself I had to lie to get a job, and now I’m in trouble Miss Manners: Was it really so awful what I said on the eve of the wedding?DEAR WORRIED: Ask the slacker what’s going on that has prompted a marked reduction in productivity and accountability. Point out that her behavior is impacting others. Listen to learn the reason behind the behavioral change. Also speak to the other employee and ask what’s going on.
Thank your employees for their loyalty and hard work, and ask them to renew their commitment. Promise to do your best to support them.
If the slacker continues to underproduce, look for a replacement. One bad employee can poison the whole team.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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