Cultural differences can be hard to explain. Discussion of them is always complicated and nuanced, each party never certain they’ve truly clarified their side sufficiently. Now, at last, a short cut.
In future, if anyone wants to understand the difference between Americans and British people, all they’ll have to do is watch a 14-second video US pop star Bebe Rexha filmed this week.
“Back in London town, we’re back in London town,” she sings, beautifully of course, panning over the magnificent city from her penthouse balcony. She takes in the gorgeous scene: a rare moment where the sky was blue and the rain had briefly stopped, and her joy and optimism, how happy she is simply to be here, is palpable.
High on her own supply of good old Blighty, she literally shouts it from the rooftops, a gleeful greeting to all: “Hellooooo London!”
The reply comes instantly. “SHUT UP,” someone yells grumpily. Bebe covers her mouth, squeals, and runs back inside, where she probably still is now. “Feeling the love in London,” she captioned her Instagram post of the video. And they say Americans can’t do sarcasm.
That cantankerous response to Rexha’s greeting, particularly the immediate, kneejerk reaction of it, is everything that’s great about Britain. And given the last two years have seen record numbers of Americans visiting the UK, perhaps this is a teaching moment. It should serve as a warning to Yanks: you will never fit in in London if you behave like this.
So, some pointers. Maybe you heard we were polite, which is true, often to a fault. But that is definitely not the same as being friendly. We’re also far too cynical and reserved for this kind of exuberance.
If anyone in London is pleased to be here, we have the decency to keep it very much to ourselves thank you, and you should too. Americans might have done a bit of research and thought they could wing it while they were here – mentioning tea and queuing, remembering pissed means to have urinated rather than being angry, and so on. But there’s much more to assimilating here than that.
Presumably it’s quite a shock when they first go into a shop in our capital city, as customer service workers in America are famously courteous and helpful. They say “Welcome!” or “Welcome in!” as soon as you set foot over the threshold. I once rang a business’s helpline while in the US and the phone was answered by someone saying, “Good morning, how may I provide you with outstanding service today?” as the standard greeting. I was flummoxed by it, completely dumbstruck, had to hang up and gather myself together before calling back.
It was so far from what I’m accustomed to that it was unnerving. It also seemed – call me suspicious – perhaps not entirely genuine. Whereas a bored sales assistant over here, barely looking up when you speak to them, sighing heavily and rolling their eyes if you ask anything at all of them – where an item is, to please check the stock room – is comforting in its authenticity. I have never been provided with outstanding service in London, and I hope it stays that way. Outstanding service sounds exhausting, for all involved.
The old joke about Americans and Brits being divided by a common language has only got truer too. I hold a grudge against Americans for saying “on accident” even though technically I suppose that is the opposite of “on purpose”. Still, it’s by accident. I don’t know why, it just is, so they better not try any of that nonsense here. See also: take-out vs takeaway. Both, strictly speaking, are accurate and yet only one is correct. Americans in London might also be tripped up by locals suggesting they come for “a drink” – which, as we all know, never means just one, it always means many.
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Not standing out in London is as much about attitude as anything you say or do though; it’s a frame of mind, a certain jaded je ne sais quoi. And at least Americans can rest assured that unless someone is either anonymous or as far away as Bebe Rexha’s balcony heckler was, no one will say a word to you even if you do make a massive blunder and get everything wrong.
Under no circumstances do we speak to each other, or even make eye contact. You could be naked, on fire, doing the macarena, and no one will so much as glance your way.
So welcome to London, Bebe. And also: shut up.
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