Last week, an author in another newspaper pleaded that the British stop being so polite. She has lived in England for a couple of decades, and has decided she would now like to delete one of your more endearing qualities: a ban on the phrase “thank you”. The writer claimed that Britons have excessive gratitude and calls basic decency a “pointless stream of politeness”.
I’m sorry, but as an American living in London, I say no, thank you. Your politeness isn’t pointless, politeness is the entire point. Yes, the British will say “sorry” and “thank you” an extraordinary number of times in a day, but, as a non-Brit, I am deeply grateful that you do.
Thank you for all the thanking. And don’t you dare apologise about the apologies.
When Americans say “I’m sorry” they’re generally admitting guilt and responsibility. When I learnt to drive, my father sat me down to tell me to never say “I’m sorry,” after a car accident, because it would invite a lawsuit. He was a good lawyer, and he was correct, because shortly thereafter, legislatures across the US passed laws to counteract this.
Now, almost 80 per cent of American states have so-called “Apology Laws” where the words “I’m sorry” are only considered as a signal of situational regret, not culpability. “I’m sorry” carries a great deal of weight in the US: “I have done you wrong and I may consider restitution.”
The English “sorry”, on the other hand, means less – and more. Here in England, “sorry” may be the word most often repeated in daily life, perhaps a close second to “the” or “is”. It is ubiquitous. I have a theory, by which I mean I made it up, that you apologise all the time because you’re driving (and therefore walking) on the wrong side of the street.
I don’t blame you for choosing to drive on that side. I’m sure it made sense when it came to sword-arms and horses, but Napoleon and the American Conestoga wagon have conspired to put most of the world on the other side, so when you travel, or the world travels to you, there’s a lot of bumping into other people happening. Naturally, to avoid conflict, you apologise, and this becomes a habit.
The social anthropologist Kate Fox wrote the essential guide to observing the English in their native habitat, Watching the English. In it, Fox noted how Brits even apologise when they have been bumped into. It isn’t reserved just for the bumper but for the bumpee too. To Fox, saying sorry in this context carries one or a myriad of meanings and feelings, guilt not often among them.
Instead, sorry is an all-purpose social lubricant, uttered to avoid embarrassment, a kind of dance of submission to keep aggression low while acknowledging the existence of others. An important exception: sometimes British people say “I’m sorry” quite ironically or sarcastically. Sometimes one says “I’m sorry”, when they mean “you’re the one who should be sorry”. Example: “I’m sorry, but I think you’ll find…” which seems to be an English person’s gentle reminder to “read the email again, fathead”.
This difference in manners isn’t limited to sorry. There is thank you as well.
As a Jewish man (though not terribly observant) I am expected to begin my day with gratitude, the prayer known as the Modeh Ani, where I thank my Creator for consciousness. That practice is supposed to lead me to other moments of gratitude during the day. By being conscious of that kindness or service – I feel better. Having gratitude makes you feel better.
Of course, I am extolling gratitude as a means of self-improvement because I am American. Here in England, “thank you” does not always mean gratitude. Sometimes it means: “Stop talking to me, this social interaction is over.” Sometimes it means: “You are serving me, and I should like you to remember it.” Sometimes it just means: “I acknowledge your existence.”
In fact, if I were translating the British “thank you” to an American, I would say it’s usually closer to a smile or a nod. “You are there, I will not bump into you physically or socially, move along.”
To end social interactions, Americans used to say “have a nice day”. We don’t do that any more, thank God. And in the American South, when people would like to end an interaction, they’ll often smile and say “bless your heart”. That translates as something rhyming with “duck yourself”. For a culture that prides itself on sincerity, America can be terribly two-faced.
While living in England, I have found “sorry” and “thank you” are practically synonyms. If the social interaction is unplanned or unpleasant – a bump in the street, for instance, the correct response is “sorry”. If the social interaction is planned or pleasant, you say “thank you”. This way the average Briton can avoid embarrassment, keeping one’s emotional temperature somewhere between room and chilly – light jacket weather for your emotions.
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Now, I don’t mean to imply that Brits are cold or distant. In fact, I find the constant acknowledgement of other people’s presence to be refreshing and affirming. I feel seen here.
American emotional thermostats are set so much higher – like the sun, we burn brightly but alone. That attitude is fast becoming insufferable; American rugged individualism has been replaced by a new, fragile narcissism as we further focus on ourselves – imagining everyone else fascinated with our vacations, Pilates, promotions, and opinions.
The simple rituals of acknowledging the other are healthy and should be prized. Trapped on an island bathed in inclement weather, we should all celebrate when people say and mean “there you are. I see you”.
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