One of my favourite categories of Reddit posts is those written by heterosexual men who have pressured their partner into opening up their relationship – that is, seeing and sleeping with other people – only to realise that he has overestimated his market value on the dating scene and grossly underestimated hers.
To take one example, there is the guy who suggested he and his girlfriend of two years “maybe try opening the relationship” so they could both experience not being “tied down” to one another, only for her to start bringing men back to their shared flat within three days, while he hadn’t so much as found someone to talk to.
Then there is the husband who is asking for advice on how to close down the marriage he so desperately wanted to open up because his wife is being banged like a Salvation Army drum, while he sits at home twiddling his thumbs.
And let’s not forget the 40-year-old woman who asked the internet: “Am I the asshole for telling husband it was his choice to open our marriage and I am not closing it?” The answer to that was a resounding “no”, along with numerous links to good divorce lawyers in her area.
I take a huge amount of delight in these pitiful, yet entirely predictable, tales of woe. The arrogance and entitlement of these men is quite staggering and makes the inevitable outcome all the more enjoyable.
The story is almost always the same: a middle-aged man in a long-term relationship gets bored with his very loving and loyal wife and pressures her into “opening up” their marriage. This, they argue, wouldn’t be like cheating because they could both do it. It is perfectly obvious that the motivation here was not to invite new and exciting experiences into his wife’s life, or to grow together as a couple, but to allow him to have his erotic cake and eat it too.
He wants to have sex with other women, but still wants to play house with his wife and kids and can’t really afford a divorce. Then suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, the answer strikes him: an open marriage! That’s a thing, isn’t it? People do that, don’t they?
He then decides to pressure his wife into letting him have sex with other women by calling it “polyamory”. No one can call him an arsehole if he lets her do it too. It’s not cheating! It’s cool and edgy. His little chimp brain is consumed with fantasies of nubile young women in their twenties queuing down the street just to get a glimpse of his love tackle, but alas, it was not to be.
It turns out the 20-year-olds are busy dating other 20-year-olds and have very little interest in a 48-year-old middle manager who has to bring a CPAP machine to an overnight hookup. Who could have seen such a thing happening, right? Our flabbers are collectively ghasted.
His missus on the other hand is having an absolute whale of a time. Her phone is overflowing with hopeful messages, and her calendar is quickly filling up.
In most cases, it’s not that the husband thought his wife wouldn’t be able to find other sexual partners, it’s rather that he didn’t even consider that part of the deal. He was so focused on his own pecker that it simply didn’t occur to him that a) his partner is highly desirable; and b) most men will shag a bollard if you put a dress on it. So now he is left babysitting the kids, night after night, while she is off exploring her sexual horizons. To quote just one of these regretful husbands, she is “blossoming”.
Ha! Good. Serves you right. You had no idea what you had there. I hope your wife gets stuffed like a prize turkey at Christmas. My obvious schadenfreude aside, this does open up a very interesting question: why do men vastly overestimate their value on the dating market?
And they do, don’t they? If you have ever spent more than five minutes on dating apps as a heterosexual woman, you know good and well most men are overestimating their appeal. How else do you explain all the photos of them posing with fish and the terrible selfies, wearing t-shirts saying things like “pussy inspector?” Most men’s dating profiles are hideous, and then they whinge on about how “90 per cent of women on apps only swipe right on 10 per cent of the men.” Yes Kevin! That’s because 90 per cent of the men on there look like serial killers with an angler’s licence.
Confidence is a good thing, but overconfidence is not. Overconfidence can lead us into all manner of silly situations, both privately and professionally, and unfortunately study after study has shown that men have significantly more confidence in their own abilities and attributes than women do – often to the point of recklessness.
This is also true in the world of dating. Studies also show that men tend to rate their own attractiveness higher than women do, as well as their intelligence, and general competence. They are far more likely to think a stranger fancies them than women do. In fact, this pattern is so prevalent in research that it has been dubbed the “male hubris, female humility” effect.
So, of course men are more likely to assume that as soon as they are sexually available, horny women will swarm their house like Night of the Living Dead. The reality is quite different. Cue the tumbleweeds.
Not only have these men overestimated their stock value but, as many people do, they have also failed to appreciate the reality of an open relationship and what that really entails. This isn’t even a man thing, I see women who are considering going poly doing this all the time too. Opening up your relationship is not going to be the hot and spicy fantasy you have in your head. It’s hard work and is going to mean processing a whole heap of unpleasant feelings like jealousy and envy, not to mention anger and rejection.
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Are you really ready for your partner to have sex with someone else? It’s not a decision to be taken lightly, and certainly not one to be embarked upon simply because you want to get your end away. You need a really strong relationship foundation to make it work, not to mention full and ongoing honesty. You might, for example, have to deal with your partner enjoying a revolving door of lovers while you struggle to land even a coffee date.
The bottom line is that if you are bored of your relationship and want to have sex with someone else, it is probably best to either get some couples’ therapy or just call time on it now. Trying to knob other people by calling it “polyamory” is not the get out of jail free card you think it is. It’s like when couples have a baby to “save” a failing relationship. It doesn’t work; it just makes things worse.
But if you are quite determined to open things up, I would suggest really doing your research into the world of ethical non-monogamy, doing a serious inventory of your relationship together to decide what it is you both want and how this will help. And above all, to know your true worth on the dating scene.
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