Dear Eric: I’m a 73-year-old female who happily maintained a friendship I made my freshman year in college.
Two years ago, I noticed changes in my friend’s ability to carry on conversations and her lack of awareness of current events. After Covid’s isolation, she and her husband seldom left their house, and her husband spent more time on his computer.
My friend’s calls to me became more frequent and repetitive even though she had no news or reason to phone. She repeated the same three or four stories and often within a five-minute span. I expressed my concerns about cognitive issues to her. She proudly reported that she was especially healthy, took no medications and came from a family who lived long lives. She thought she was fine.
We have always lived in different states, so I reached out to a niece and expressed my concerns about her aunt. The niece phoned her and said I made contact to “check up on her.” Her niece sent me a text that she spoke with her aunt and she seemed “just fine.”
The anger from my friend “interfering in her life” was vitriolic. I have my own mental health concerns and could not deal with the drama. I blocked contact, leaving behind a 54-year friendship. Did I fail her?
— Concerned, not Interfering
Dear Concerned: Reaching out to your friend and to a family member was the right thing. The Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) has a 10-step guide for how to approach a friend or loved one about whom you have memory-related concerns; I refer to it often. Part of that plan involves alerting the friend or loved one to the changes you’re seeing and asking if they’ve noticed the same things. Another part of that plan involves reaching out to someone closer who can help or who might be able to confirm what you’re seeing (or refute it).
These conversations are not always easy. Sometimes people experience shame when others speak to them about their health. Others might feel that people are talking about them behind their backs, which can be hard to handle.
I’m sorry that the conversations you had prompted vitriol from your friend. But I’d encourage you to unblock her. After 54 years, it’s worth allowing her some grace, apologizing for any perceived overstepping, and starting over. A grudge won’t do either of you any good. But a five-decade connection that allows for ups, downs, and changes, can continue to benefit you both.
Dear Eric: We had been friends with another couple for more than 50 years. They were always jealous about little things we did or bought, like a new sofa, new appliances, et cetera. But when we built a new house, that ended our relationship. They never came to visit and we haven’t talked since.
That was 21 years ago. How can anybody be that jealous and what causes it? Small things they would get over in a week or so, but this was too big for them to handle.
— Jealousy Ruined the Friendship
Dear Friendship: It sounds like that couple was never really in the right place to be friends with you. The green-eyed monster pokes its head out on occasion in even the healthiest of relationships, but I struggle to see what they thought they were getting out of this friendship or adding to it.
As this has been on your mind for two decades, I suspect that you’d like some resolution about it. Alas, that may not come. The simple truth is that sometimes other people’s internal struggles manifest externally and keep them from the happiness they say they want.
Dear Eric: This is in response to “You Gonna Finish That?”, who was concerned about restaurant food waste and wanted to ask strangers for their leftovers at restaurants. There is an app called “Too Good To Go”, where participating restaurants and food servers like convenience stores can sell “mystery bags” of their food left over at the end of the day/night at discounted prices.
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— Too Good
Dear Too Good: Thanks for this suggestion. I’ve checked out the app in the past and it does a great job helping restaurants to reduce food waste. Restaurants have to adhere to strict guidelines around food service, including never serving one guest food that’s been served to another guest. Apps like “Too Good to Go” help make use of unused food without exposing the restaurant to liability.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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