DEAR HARRIETTE: How long do you stay in a relationship when it doesn’t seem to be healthy?
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I never know how he is going to act when I see him. He can be kind one minute and hostile the next. I think he may have some kind of mental condition.
I have suggested that he go to a doctor to talk about medication that helps people with depression or other mood disorders. He refuses.
I don’t have the capacity to live through a lifetime with this man if his issues will always go unchecked.
We are not married, but we are in a committed relationship. Am I wrong for wanting to leave if he won’t even try to get help for himself?
— Alone
DEAR ALONE: I wholeheartedly believe that therapy can save relationships and be a major contributor to their success. If your partner is unwilling to get help when it is clear that he has some issues, that is a red flag.
If you believe his going untreated is too much for you to handle, give him an ultimatum: He must get help, or you’ll leave. Then act on it.
I know one couple who broke up because one partner had an addiction problem. The split triggered him to take the situation seriously. He got help, they got back together and now they are married.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who posted online recently that she didn’t feel that life was worth living anymore. I called to check on her immediately.
She didn’t talk about what was going on directly, but she sounded sad and despondent. I offered to come visit or to take her out somewhere. So far, she has not agreed.
I’m not sure what to do. I keep calling her, but I would hate it if she took her life or hurt herself and I didn’t at least make a big effort to rescue her. What can I do to help my friend?
— Unhappy Friend
DEAR UNHAPPY FRIEND: It’s frightening how many people are in a fragile mental state these days. The good news is, like your friend, more people are speaking up about it than in the past.
The going wisdom says that if your friend has told you, she must trust you — at least enough to listen. Do your best to be present and willing to hear her out.
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Miss Manners: When they hear where I worked, they say horribly rude things Dear Abby: I’m not invited when my boyfriend’s ex-wife comes to visit Asking Eric: I tried to block him, but the hugging buffet man came in sideways Harriette Cole: How do I track down this man I spent the evening with? Miss Manners: I got my co-worker to stop yelling for me, and now she just barges inLearn what’s going on with her without judgment. Do not diminish her pain or fear. Acknowledge whatever she tells you. Express empathy. Let her know that you are sorry that she is going through this. Stay in touch with her as much as you can so that she knows she is not alone. Encourage her to get help with a therapist to talk about her troubles. She can do this in person or remotely.
If, at any time, you believe she is in immediate danger of hurting herself or others, try to get her to call the Suicide Helpline, 988. For more suggestions, visit healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-help-a-suicidal-friend.
If you or someone you know is struggling with feelings of depression or suicidal thoughts, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline offers free, round-the-clock support, information and resources for help. Call or text the lifeline at 988, or see the 988lifeline.org website, where chat is available.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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