Dark Souls. Bloodborne. Sekiro. What do all of these ridiculously difficult throw-your-controller-at-the TV-screen games have in common? They’ve got NOTHING on old-school platformers. Were they video games or exercises in sadomasochism? As the decades pass since the platform genre’s creation, the answer still isn’t clear. Classic platformer games required the reflexes of a cat, the patience of a turtle, and the emotional composure of a full-grown capybara. Deviously difficult, half of these games could be described as “fun” in the same way the peanut butter could be described as “minty fresh,” which is to say: not at all. Veteran gamers know that platformers aren’t really games, but digital life-and-death scenarios meant to test one’s mental fortitude. And these platformers? They’re the greatest (and some of the most frustrating) of all time.
Super Mario 64
(Nintendo)Super Mario 64 was marketed to children, which, in retrospect, could be considered a crime. Don’t let pastel pixels of this happy-go-lucky plumber’s mushroom world fool you, Super Mario 64 is capable of childhood-trauma inducing levels of frustration and woe. The game is objectively a masterpiece, one where Mario must “whoopee” and “yahoo” his way through a menagerie of creative worlds to save Princess Peach from the turtle/dragon/dinosaur clutches of the evil Bowser. While the game’s first level, Bomb-omb Battlefield, lulled young players into a false sense of security, veteran gamers still speak with reverence about the horrors they experienced at later levels like Tick Tock Clock. Super Mario 64 set the bar for the modern-day platformer, and changed the face of gaming forever… by filling that face’s eyes with frustrated tears.
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