Psychologists Reveal: You've 'Succeeded' as a Parent if Your Adult Child Has These 11 Subtle Habits ...Saudi Arabia

Many parents want to say they successfully raised their child. “Succeeding” as a parent can be tricky, however. There’s a lot to consider: different parenting styles to choose from, whether your kids are happy, how to raise an independent child and much more. Keeping up with all of that is tough. Picking your battles is tough. Supporting your child through struggles they're facing and stressful world events is tough.Then, there’s also the matter of knowing if you’ve “succeeded” as a parent. How do you actually define or operationalize that success? Is it a child’s happiness? A child who grew up to have a well-paying job? A child who still comes home for the holidays and regularly picks up the phone? Someone who considers their parents to be their closest confidants? There’s no simple, clear-cut definition. Plus, imposter syndrome can unfortunately come into play, making "good” parents feel inadequate or like they didn’t do “enough.”For a starting point into what “success” looks like as a parent of a grown-up kid, here are 11 subtle habits that children whose parents "succeeded" share. Plus, psychologists reveal how to continue making a positive difference in your adult children's lives.Related: 11 Phrases Child Psychologists Say Can Secretly Harm a Child’s Confidence

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As mentioned, there isn't just one definition of what success looks like as a parent; each person has their own take. “It depends on who you ask and what their views are,” says Dr. Brandy Smith, PhD, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Birmingham, AL, who has experience working with children and families. “I personally view ‘success’ as a parent as raising a child in a healthy, safe way in which they have a solid sense of self, consideration for others and are prepared to navigate healthily within the world personally and professionally.”According to Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, Ed.D.—a certified school psychologist and a parent and child mental health expert—“success” may not look like what you’d guess. “Success in parenting is not raising a child who never struggles,” she says. “It is raising an adult who knows what to do when they struggle. That means they have problem-solving and coping skills to handle the stress in life we all face.”Related: ‘I Tried 4 Different Types of Breathwork for Anxiety—This Is the Type That Actually Worked for Me’

11 Habits of an Adult Child That Signal 'Successful' Parenting, According to Psychologists

Reacting in the heat of a stressful moment is all too tempting—but some adult children know how to avoid that.“They can slow their body and brain before responding, which keeps emotions from hijacking their behavior,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge explains. “Kids learn, ‘I can do this’ and not get overwhelmed by fear or irritation.”In the face of a difficult task, they might take a breath and keep trying rather than yelling and giving up. “They trust their ability to problem-solve and recover, rather than needing someone else to rescue or direct them,” she continues. Related: 13 Ways To Be a Good Mom That Make a Lasting Difference, According to Experts

2. They have a full range of emotional expression

Yes, that includes the emotions that don’t feel good or “look pretty.” “So many times, children are taught that only ‘positive’ emotions are okay, and that any other emotion is problematic and needs limited space,” Dr. Smith says. “That is unhealthy, untrue and sets the child up for problems for self and in relationship with others.”Successful parents teach and model space for all emotions, clarifying what different emotions look like.“[Adult children] know what they are feeling and why, which gives them clarity and choice instead of confusion or overwhelm,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge adds.

Considering both yourself and others is another thing “successful” parents teach their kids.“These adult children are able to have a balance (does not always have to be 50/50) of not being consistently selfish or consistently being a martyr,” Dr. Smith shares.

4. They know and utilize coping skills

Having the tools to regulate stress and emotions, and feeling confident in that, is valuable.“Each challenge is an opportunity to build their skills,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge explains. “They understand stress is a part of life and know how to move through it and reset.”Coping skills can include deep breathing exercises, listening to music, talking it out and positive self-talk.

“Boundaries” is not a bad word. “‘Successful’ parents model and teach what healthy boundaries are and reinforce them, as well as respect them, even when they are applied to them,” Dr. Smith says.It's also important to note that therapists want people to remember one thing about boundaries: Someone not responding well to your boundary doesn’t mean it wasn’t okay to set it. That says more about them than it does about you and your set limits.Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros

6. They have confidence, but not arrogance

Building your child’s self-confidence is crucial to their well-being and development—to a point.“A healthy sense of self is important to feeling valued and more grounded within the world, but sometimes parents communicate that their child is ‘always the focus’ or ‘the star’ and/or ‘can do no wrong,’” Dr. Smith explains. “It is a rude awakening when the child realizes at some point that other people exist and need consideration.”She recommends considering them but not suggesting the world revolves around them, or ignoring problematic behavior. 

Staying emotionally connected to people can be scary, especially for someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style. If your adult child can do it anyway, that’s a good sign.“They stay present in relationships even when things get hard, choosing connection instead of pulling away,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge states. “They know that you can set boundaries and have hard conversations with others and still be connected.”

8. They can be flexible and adapt

Teaching these strategies helps young children and adult children handle life’s curveballs with ease. Dr. Smith says it’s about “not being overly rigid, but also not being so lackadaisical that the child is starved for some structure and plans.”

Being present in the moment is important, as is being informed about what’s happened and what’s to come.“Healthy, well-adjusted adult children are able to connect with present moments and live, for the most part, in the present,” Dr. Smith shares. “At the same time, they are able to think to the future and take actions, as well as make plans to set them up for success, or what they want to work towards going forward.”The trickiest part may be looking to the past without dwelling there, and with purpose. She says a healthy adult child can reflect on past experiences to reminisce or recall lessons, while also knowing that the past can’t be changed.

10. They ask for help without shame

Many of us got the idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness, when in fact, it’s the opposite. Parents who have been “successful” in raising their children know this and teach it to them.“They learned that support creates safety and resilience, so reaching out feels responsible, not weak,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge says. “This allows them to build strong relationships and problem-solving skills.”Related: 7 Phrases To Ask for Support, According to a Therapist

According to Dr. Smith, this is a mix of “acting like an adult” and being able to unwind and have a good time. “Now, the parent may have a different view than their adult child about what being responsible and fun entail, but the adult child is able to make space for both and not have to overly rely on their parents,” she says. Related: The One Simple Step To Take for a Better Relationship with Your Adult Kids, According to Psychologists

1. Maintain emotion regulation

It’s all about leading with regulation, according to Dr. Capanna-Hodge. “When you stay calm, you help their nervous system stay calm, too,” she says. “You shift from fixing to listening, from directing to trusting and from rescuing to staying connected.” That helps them continue to handle stress, recover when things go sideways and keep moving forward.

On a similar note, parents need to be able to address their personal needs so they can be the best parents possible. “Most people did not have the healthiest upbringing in one way or another, so you, as a parent, may have your own work to do to be able to ‘successfully’ raise your child,” Dr. Smith says. “This may be work you do on your own, with the aid of self-help resources or with a trained professional.” You might try some deep shadow work prompts or learn emotion regulation as an adult.

3. Clarify what 'successful' parenting looks like and means to you

Knowing where you want to go is a crucial first step and check-in point. “Acknowledge that answers to this question may/will change over time, depending on how specific or general your guideposts are for yourself and anyone else helping raise the child,” Dr. Smith adds.

4. Keep the child’s well-being in mind

As a parent, you may experience many tough things, such as stress and divorce. Dr. Smith encourages you to consider your child throughout.“Too many times, a parent uses the child in problematic ways, sometimes consciously, other times not, but avoid doing [that],” she suggests. “You can dislike, despise, hate the other person(s), but the child’s health and well-being need to remain the focus.”Parents aren’t perfect, but they can try. Let this guide be a starting point as you navigate your parenting journey.Up Next:

Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists

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