9 Fights With Your Teen That Are Red Flags, Child Psychologists Warn ...Saudi Arabia

If you have a teenager, you’re probably familiar with the advice to “pick your battles.” In other words, having a full-blown fight about every single disagreement isn’t always worth it, especially in the long run. It can lead to a contentious relationship and bigger problems. For many parents, that’s the last thing they need.At the same time, some fights are red flags—for your teen or your relationship with them—and those are worth further discussion. Plus, considering almost 50 percent of adolescents have had a mental health disorder at some point, we know that teenagers go through unique, challenging situations and need support. Further, they may not always know how to ask for help, and arguments that are seemingly “random” may ensue. The conflicts you have (or are tempted to have) can signal that something serious is going on with your teen, and it’s important to be aware of what to look for so you can identify them.Your attention as a mom or dad is especially needed during those blow-ups—but which ones do psychologists want to highlight? Child psychologists who know this topic well share nine fights with your teen that are red flags. Plus, how you, as a parent, should respond in those situations, and how you can show support to your teen most effectively. Keep reading for the answers and other need-to-know insights.Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 10 Emotional Reflexes

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Below, psychologists share a mix of red-flag fights that are concerning for your teen’s well-being or the scenario at hand (and as a result, need to be addressed).

Is your teen rewearing the same clothes without washing them? Maybe they haven’t showered in a week? “These can signal early signs of declining mental health and can be warning signs of depression,” says Dr. Cari Alvarez, PhD, a licensed child psychologist and a part of Harvard University’s teaching team.What’s going on here, essentially, is that symptoms of depression—such as fatigue and feelings of worthlessness—can make it harder for people to take care of themselves.Related: 7 Signs of Depression Most People Miss, According to Mental Health Experts

2. Considerations about doing the 'right' thing

Working to ensure your teenager acts with integrity is important (even if you two disagree on what that looks like).“This conversation does not need to be had in a judgmental way, but it is relevant to have it with your teen so that they get practice in considering what the thing with integrity to do could be,” says Dr. Brandy Smith, PhD, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Birmingham, AL, who works with adolescents and parents. “There is not always one answer or an easy, clear-cut answer in those times, but making space to have the conversation is helpful.” She also encourages parents to acknowledge that, as humans, we all make mistakes. When your teen makes a mistake, and the timing is appropriate, you two can focus on the takeaways.Related: 16 Things Every Kid Needs To Learn From Their Parents and Grandparents, Child Psychologists Say

These are technically different, but they all fall into the same bucket.“Underestimating how long things will take, or not being able to hold down a thoughtful conversation about a single topic, can be signs of difficulties with executive functioning and could point to potential ADHD,” Dr. Alvarez says.Other signs of ADHD that people commonly miss include being addicted to devices, driving mishaps, low self-esteem and more.

4. Respect for themselves or other people

If the fight pertains to helping your teen consider how both they and another person could be impacted by something, it’s a conversation worth having.“Sometimes, parents focus too much on one way or the other, so helping your teen make space for both is worthwhile,” Dr. Smith says.

Don’t like who your teenager is friends with or dating? That can be a red flag. “Frequent arguments with parents over the same friend or romantic partner, comments like ‘This is why so-and-so doesn’t like you,’ or ‘So-and-so says you’re controlling,’ could signal a potentially toxic relationship where the individual is trying to alienate the teen from their caregivers for potentially dangerous or unsafe purposes,” Dr. Alvarez warns.Other toxic traits to look out for in those individuals include acting entitled and playing the victim, among others.

6. School attendance

Not loving school isn’t inherently a red flag, but if it’s affecting attendance, a bigger issue may be at play. “Arguments regarding teens not wanting to go to school, unexcused absences or truancy can signal a potentially dangerous context in school or bullying,” Dr. Alvarez says.

As you’ve probably learned by now, you can’t fully protect your child; sometimes, they have to learn from their mistakes the hard way. However, you can help them avoid problems sometimes.“If you can foresee a repercussion or likely regret your teen will have in a situation, it is worth bringing that up,” Dr. Smith says. “Even after that conversation, find where you need to give space for your teen to still make a decision that you foresee as problematic, because it appropriately helps them learn.”Additionally, safety-related "fights" are absolutely worth having."In these situations, you may have to be seen as 'the bad guy' to ensure appropriate protection," she adds.

8. Food and body image

Again, two different concerns, but they're often one and the same.“Not wanting to go out to eat, joining for family meals or frequent comments about weight and appearance can signal a potentially hidden or emerging eating disorder,” Dr. Alvarez says.Other signs she mentions are comments like “I can’t eat that junk,” fights about what type of food parents buy and body judgments.Related: Therapists Are Begging Individuals To ‘Immediately Stop’ Using These 2 Common Body Image Phrases

9. Fights that teach everyone to say 'I’m sorry'

Big, blow-up fights can feel concerning, and they need to be discussed accordingly. “Your teen does not need to overapologize or be forced to apologize before it can be genuine, but it is important to model and expect your teen to be able to take ownership and learn how to genuinely identify their part in a situation, apologize in a healthy and genuine way for it when needed, and to put in the work to do better or correct the behavior in the future to avoid repeating scenarios where the same apology would be needed,” Dr. Smith says.Related: 11 Common Blame Tactics People Use Without Even Realizing It, Psychologists Say

What Parents Should Do if They're Having These Fights With Their Teenagers

If your teen says any of these comments, you might suddenly feel worried or reactive. While that’s certainly understandable, Dr. Alvarez encourages you to take a stance of curiosity, which could look like: 

Additionally, Dr. Smith recommends the following: 

“This will likely mean you need to take breaks and emotionally re-regulate yourself at times, and that’s normal and okay,” she adds.Related: 7 Things To Do When You Apologize, Because There’s More To It Than Saying ‘I’m Sorry’

For starters, parents can show support by providing appropriate guidance. Dr. Smith suggests checking in with your teen about their feelings and needs, balancing giving them space and helping them make good decisions, and tailoring your involvement to their age and maturity level.She also encourages parents to be there for their teen in the aftermath, regardless of the action the teen pursued. That could entail celebrations or comfort, depending on the situation. “Make it clear that you are there as a support and resource the whole time,” she says. Last but not least, watch for judgment in your tone, body language and words. “This does not mean you have to agree or condone what your teen did, but it does relate to giving them an appropriate space to reach out to you to more fully share the reality of whatever happened to/for them, and to know you will genuinely work to be there to help them figure things out and recover,” she shares.Up Next:

Related: 5 Body Language Red Flags for Teenagers, a Child Psychologist Warns Parents and Grandparents

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