Psychologists Warn: These 11 Subtle Behaviors Are Signs You’re Being 'Emotionally Controlled' ...Saudi Arabia

Ideally, we're in the driver's seat of our own lives. However, emotionally controlling people can subtly take the wheel, and you may not notice it until you reach the point of emotional pain. "Being emotionally controlled means that another person is consistently influencing how you feel, think or behave by leveraging emotional pressure," says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. "They don't use direct demands, they rely on guilt, fear, obligation or self-doubt in order to shape your choices."As time goes on, Dr. Schiff warns that you may start to feel responsible for managing the controlling person's emotional state at the expense of their own.Recognizing these subtle behaviors is crucial. When you know which signs indicate this manipulation, you can take action before you're in too deep. Psychologists note that certain behaviors signal emotional control—some you might display, others a controlling person uses—all of which are cause for a pause.Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Manipulators Often Use, According to Psychologists

11 Subtle Signs You're Being 'Emotionally Controlled,' According to Psychologists

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Dr. Schiff notes that emotionally controlling people will also say they're "concerned" about you, but their actual intent is to undermine your confidence. "They may question your decisions, abilities or judgment," she explains. "This can look caring on the surface, but it really is to make the other person dependent and second-guess themselves."For instance, they may tell you they're concerned you'll be too stressed if you get the promotion, which could make you not put in for it. As a result, they might get what they really want, like maintaining breadwinner status in your relationship or ensuring you're around more often to meet their needs.

2. You feel discomfort making decisions

It's important to think of others when making decisions that affect them, but it can go too far when you're being emotionally controlled."Sometimes, a person who is emotionally controlled experiences discomfort with making a decision because they are concerned about how the person controlling them may respond," says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D.,a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.Specifically, she explains that you may constantly worry whether or not your choice will be considered "enough in line" with what the emotionally controlling person would decide.

Ironically, while you may labor and ruminate over making choices to ensure you appease them, an emotionally controlling person may try to move you along. It's a manipulative tactic. "They may push you to fix something right now or make an immediate commitment and resolve a situation on their timeline," Dr. Schiff reports. "It prevents you from being able to thoughtfully reflect and limits your ability to evaluate your own wants and needs."

4. You notice that negative emotions guide your decisions

Your actual desires may not have much of a seat at the table when you come to a decision."You might find yourself doing things you’d rather not do out of a sense of guilt, fear or obligation," explains Dr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, the chief psychological officer with Recovered.org. "Sometimes, this indicates a pattern that was learned in childhood from living with a controlling parent, but it may mean you remain or are once again in a relationship with an emotionally controlling person who is willing to weaponize feelings of duty or pity to get what they want."Related: People Who Grew up With Super-Negative Parents Often Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

After making a decision or having a basic human reaction with this person, you may immediately go into armchair psychoanalyst mode against yourself."You replay conversations in your head, wondering if you were 'wrong' to feel upset," says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind. "This often happens when your feelings are regularly questioned or dismissed. Over time, you start doubting yourself instead of the situation."Related: Could You Be a Victim of 'Self-Gaslighting'? 5 Signs of the Subtle Form of Self-Sabotage and How To Stop, According to Experts

6. You want to avoid harmless topics

It's natural to want to avoid the latest hot-button issue, especially in today's world. However, Dr. Smith shares it's a red flag if you feel like you can't broach topics that aren't "emotionally evocative" with someone, especially if they commonly turn molehills into mountains. "For instance, crossing paths with a particular person while running errands may be construed as problematic when it was random, insignificant and inconsequential," she explains.Related: These Two Types of People Are the Most Likely To Experience Manipulation—Here’s Why and What To Do

You're human, and your basic needs and logistical and emotional bandwidth matter. However, it's easy to lose sight of these fundamental truths when you're being emotionally controlled."Even simple requests can make you feel selfish or demanding," Dr. Hafeez shares. "This usually develops when your needs have been framed as inconvenient or unreasonable. The guilt keeps you from speaking up."Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You're 'Too Sensitive'

8. You explain yourself far more than necessary

In emotionally controlling situations, Dr. Hafeez warns that you may feel the need to constantly justify your choices, thoughts and feelings in great detail. "This can come from past experiences where you weren’t believed or were misunderstood on purpose," she notes. "It’s a sign you’re trying to earn permission to feel a certain way."Related: Psychologists Say People Who Overshare Often Have These 7 Deeper Struggles

Listen, not all confidence will come from within—we're designed to live in community, after all. Still, the constant need for someone's external validation just to feel okay is a hallmark flag that you're being emotionally controlled."Their praise lifts you up, and their silence or criticism brings you down," Dr. Hafeez explains. "This creates an emotional imbalance where they hold the power. It can make you ignore your own judgment just to stay in their good graces."Related: How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You, According to a Psychologist

10. You feel anxious whenever you’re around that person

Anxiety can sneak up on you—you might feel butterflies in your stomach or breathe a little faster. Ask yourself: Do you feel this anxious in all situations or just with one person, like a partner or parent?"While some people experience social anxiety in a generalized way, anxiety that is tied to one specific person indicates an unhealthy pattern of emotional control," Dr. Vinall explains.Related: If You Can Relate to These 9 Phrases, You Might Have High-Functioning Anxiety, According to a Psychologist

Emotional pain can manifest physically."While there can be many other causes, both medical and psychological, of [frequent headaches and gastrointestinal issues], when taken together with other signs, these somatic signs may be sending a critical signal about emotional control," Dr. Vinall notes.Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Manipulators Often Use, According to Psychologists

1. Name the behavior

This one might sound scary, and Dr. Vinall notes that naming the behavior of a manipulator may not even be safe. However, naming the behavior with yourself is incredibly validating and helpful."Clearly identifying to yourself what is happening gives you space to decide whether to respond to the emotional undercurrents or to choose actions and words more in line with your own desires, needs and beliefs," she says. "Naming the behavior helps you differentiate between their wants and your own."

Emotionally controlling people thrive on getting you to doubt yourself. Trusting yourself is like armor. "In order to protect yourself, trust your internal experience," Dr. Schiff says. "Make sure to be intentional about validating your reactions in order to restore clarity. When you trust your own emotional signals, it becomes harder for someone else to define your emotional reality for you."

3. Create boundaries

Dr. Vinall says it's vital to set boundaries that protect your psychological space, time and values."A boundary is a clearly communicated line that allows for maintenance of a relationship without becoming overwhelmed by or resentful of excessive demands," she says. "Strong boundaries are backed with a pre-determined action on your part."She advises people to decide in advance how much time, attention and material gifts they are willing to share with this person, and to stick to the boundary unless there's a legitimate crisis, like informing the person of a health emergency involving a child you share, even if you've otherwise stopped contact."[It] will protect your mental space and allow you to live in congruence with your own priorities and values," Dr. Vinall says.Up Next:

Related: 7 Common Gaslighting Phrases Boomers Use With Their Adult Children, Psychologists Say

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